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As Salon readers have pointed out the Asian culture relates differently to family , whereas Western culture relates to the happiness of the individual.
The LW is in her 40s. Her Chinese boyfriend is his his 40s. He is an ONLY SON. He feels great obligation to please his parents. These roots go very deep.
Even when a Chinese son marries a Chinese wife, it is up to the young husband to protect his wife from her in-laws (his parents). Take the case of my nephew.
My nephew, 40, is married to a v successful Chinese businesswoman. They live in China.
He has coached his wife to success in the professional, social and familial arena. Her financial acumen is entirely her own, however my nephew has seen to it that his wife has a clear power structure at home and has also taught her how to assert herself in the businessworld, where her success is now so apparent she no longer has to fight for turf.
At home, my nephew's parents (my brother and his wife ) live with them in one of their several homes. During renovations, my nephew told his mother that she must not under any circumstance volunteer any opnion on the kitchen sink or the placement of the kitchen sink. He told his mother, "Do you think it is only a kitchen sink? No. This is a woman's dream to organize and decorate her house the way she likes. You are not to offer any opinion."
My nephew has set up expectations for the rest of their lives so that his wife is number one, and made it clear that his wife has superceded his mother's power position.
This may be useful for many Chinese sons to consider, for traditionally Chinese mothers in law wield great power in the family, especially over the daughter in law. If the Chinese mother in law in question is a Westernized woman of a laissez-faire, egalitarian temperament then of course it is unecessary to do this.
Not only that, my nephew liberated his wife from potential tyranny of the power of the older generation, while observing all courtesies, duties and kindnesses to the generation above him.
When his wife's father sought to lecture his wife on a financial point (they were both in the same type of financial field professionally ) my nephew said to his father in law, " Do you lecture X? Don't lecture X in front of me. She is a capable woman." The father in law never lectured his daughter again.
His daughter, my nephew's wife, is now globally and publicly recognized in her field.
This story does not relate to the (racial ) choice of a bride in a Chinese family. It relates to the ongoing pattern of relating to one's seniors in a Chinese family. It is the story of how one Chinese son has set the stage for peaceful relations between his wife and his parents, his wife and her parents...(as well as the relations between his wife and her professional competitors.)
