Letters to the Editor
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Some people shouldn't own houses
It turns out that I'm one of those people, and my house is now on the market.
I'm glad I bought the house, and discovered for myself that home ownership wasn't for me. I can go back to renting knowing that I did take the chance and did try home ownership.
Whatever you decide, good luck.
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I'm with Cary
LW: I agree with Cary, everyone has a moment of "what have I done" know and then, but if you're spending all your time crying and watching Flip this House, there may be a larger problem. Getting rid of the house might not get rid of your feelings of depression. What if you sell it and then feel miserable because you lost money and now don't have "the american dream" to even show for it? I agree that the idea that you have to "own not rent" is overrated, but you felt pretty strongly about owning your own home recently. Will selling the house really make you happy or are those feelings still there? Perhaps if you find out the root of why you wanted the house so badly, it will bring some clarity.
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A nomad - that's you!
"perhaps things in your psyche have come together in this house-buying experience in a kind of perfect storm."
Cary I love your writing!
And LW I can relate. Houses ARE irrational. For me it went the other way. I felt reluctant and depressed before we bought our first place (we're now in our second) but from the moment we bought it I felt a new sense of stability and happiness I had never felt before. I loved being in it, I loved coming home to it, and for some reason it was all to do with the fact that it was MINE.
But that's not you, and that's good for you to know. There are plenty of ways of investing money and I think the stock market has actually out-performed property for a long time. You could also rent the place out or trade it for something else that would rent easily while you pay it off.
Our ex-neighbours recently did what you're contemplating. They thought they would love living in a Queenslander house (wooden on stilts) in a sub tropical country town. They moved their four kids and dog all the way from Adelaide across the country to here ... and found that they hated it. They gave it about six months, and fortunately the housing market rose enough in that time to cover their expenses, and then sold up and moved back. Big deal. I just heard from them recently that they're happily back in the city.
It's just a house. And you have a child and you have a fiance. Maybe you have enough commitments. I felt a huge sense of depression and loss after I married - which at the time I thought was all about the fact that I would never be able to marry John Cusack. Not without baggage anyway. Now second marriages to movie stars don't seem like such a big deal, but with hindsight I've realised that there are only so many big commitments I want to make. Marriage, house, child - these are all big. So drop the one that's bugging you and be free.
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John Cusack
Hey! I wanted MY second marriage to be to John Cusack!
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It could still work
If we can come to an agreement re timing it could still work - for you and me I mean. For John - well, movie star marriages are like dog years aren't they? Brad and Jen for eg were together forever in human years, which in movie star years was, like, 5. And then they go on to have another whole life.
Only thing is then I would want to be back with my present husband. I wonder if we could get some kind of, um, pause, rather than an actual divorce. A sabbatical agreement that would allow me to go off, marry John for a while, hand him on to you and then come back home?
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Not a complete answer
One of the big things I think Cary missed is that there are houses, and there are fixer-uppers. It is crucial to know what you can deal with before choosing between the two. Even before getting into my first house, I realized that I had zero interest in getting into a fixer-uppers. Some people are really, really into that. Not just watching This Old House, but actually doing all of the dirty, painful, difficult work and buying all of the tools. Generally they spend every weekend working on the house, thousands of hours a year of their "free time". But they enjoy it. For me, and LW, it would be misery. Generally that gung-ho kind of person is what's required to be a fixer-upper homeowner, otherwise you are at the mercy of contractors timing, billing, and mistakes.
A nice "cream puff" house will be more expensive, and still have some aches and pains of course, but no more than some apartments. The privacy, quiet, control over your space, room, and comfort of a house are unbeatable, and I'd never be able to go back to apartment living.
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Some serious red flags went up before the LW bought the house
1. "My fiancé did not want to buy this house but agreed to because he wanted to make me happy."
---Why on earth did he agree if he knew it was a bad idea??? Is he a pushover? If you know your partner/spouse wants to do something harebrained and that has the potential to negatively affect you both in a significant way, do everything in your power to prevent it from happening.
2. "We have no savings and love to spend money. I had it in my mind that this would be a good way for us to get our finances in order, as we would have to start saving money. I know this sounds ridiculous, but I was so consumed with the American dream of owning a house to raise my son in and having the dog, garage, etc., that I lost sight of the true picture."
---You're a 35-year-old parent and you don't have savings? What about your son? His education? Do you have a budget? No wonder so many Americans are up to their necks in debt.
These are decidedly unsexy and unglamorous topics to talk about, but geez, the LW is 35! She should know better. I'm wondering if the LW bought the house as a way to force herself to grow up and accept reality: that she's in her mid-thirties, she needs to save money, she's a mother, and she should seriously think about her family's future. I'm wondering if she was in a state of arrested development and sincerely thought that buying a house would force her out of it.
While I believe she should sell the house, I can't help but be concerned that she's running away from responsibility once again.
Definitely, she should seek therapy. I also hope she consults a financial advisor as well.