Letters to the Editor
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Been there, done that
LW, I found out about my wife’s affair about 2 years ago. Similar story – two stepkids, a child of our own, late nights out, too close to a coworker, etc. She was remorseful, begged for forgiveness, formally apologized to our parents (and the older kids, who knew something was up) and still works hard to rebuild trust and respect. Even with counseling, my forgiveness and her taking responsibility, it is HARD. I don’t struggle with this daily any more, but there are times when some of the memories just flatten me and I’m right back to the night I found out. I still get mad and jealous and confused, although less frequently now.
My point is that even with the best of circumstances, an affair is very difficult for a marriage to recover from. I can’t even begin to think of how much more awful it would be with a cheating spouse who blames his/her behavior on the other and refuses to stop. Even with my wife doing the right thing afterwards, divorce was still a close thing early on. With no remorse or responsibility on your wife’s part, I’m not sure how you can survive in this relationship. You may keep it together now, maybe for a little while, but eventually the end will come and you will kick yourself for the time wasted trying to change her.
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Anonymous
You are a very strong man. I just had to say I admire that because I don't think i could stay in a situation with a cheating partner. But her remorse and hard work is commendable. And LW, I'd probably take his advice the most as someone who has been there and done that. I just don't see after a month how someone could not be remorseful for what they have done. The shock has subsided long enough. If she has issues with the marriage that is one thing but she hasn't taken responsibility for her frankly selfish actions and that is something to watch for. She wants to be let go. So let her go. If her maturity level is at that place I doubt the grass will be greener on the other side for her but that is something she has to see for herself. As for you Thankmar - I am terribly sorry for what has happened to you and I hope you find the strength to move on. Psychology always says past behaviour is the best indicator for future behaviour. I'd understand if it was 1 person your husband cheated with - there are steps to repair that. But several isn't a good sign. At this point it's best to grieve and then move on (aka divorce). Best of luck to you.
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I shouldn't have said wimpy. Wendy was right to call me on that.
Women will always say they want a sensitive man. They think they want a guy that will do what they want him to do and change for her. But that is not what will make a successful relationship. You have to be respected by the woman or she will attempt to exert complete control over the relationship. That simply does not work. The ladies here that think their prince will cave in to them everytime they make a demand, and everything will turn out happily ever after are not realistic. There is a power struggle in most relationships. If the woman knows that the man loves her and will take care of her and stay with her, then she will be willing to accept that she has to abide by a certain criteria. Men must feel that that they are respected by their wives, and they cannot give in to a woman that thinks she can be the boss and push the guy around. There has to be a point in the relationship where this boundry stops being a point of contention. For my relationship, this point occurred after many years together. I reached the point where I was willing to end the relationship, and at first she tried the usual tactics of making demands, yelling, crying, threatening to embarrass me in front of my family. I simply realized that I do not have to do what she says. I do not have to answer her questions. I do not have to do anything she wants me to do. If the relationship is at the point where you are willing to end it, then you are free to try things that are risky. You no longer have to give in to her to get her to stop yelling or what ever childish behavior she normally engages in to get you to do what she wants you to do. The man must also always treat his wife with complete respect and love and not embarass her in front of her peers or share their secrets with his friends.
Today, after 18 years together, my wife and I are very happy together. We have an understanding of what is acceptable adult behavior, and we respect each other. Sure there are arguements, but they are never serious. Sometimes we even have fun with each other by pushing each others buttons and then laughing about it afterwards. I encourage her to do whatever she wants to do if it makes her happy. I have told her that if she finds herself in a situation where she wants to fool around with other people, that it is OK, as long as she tells me about it and doesn't do anything stupid. I don't understand why other people have such a hard time with this concept. Jealousy is for people that have no self confidence. I am always amazed by older, single women, that pine away for someone to love them, but are unwilling to accept anything but the ideal knight in shining armor, that will worship the ground she walks on, or the guy that wishes for the girl of his dreams, who will only want him. That is a children's fairytale, not a formula for a happy, fulfilling life. You can be disgusted by what I say if you want, but I will tell you this: my wife loves her life and I love mine. We are growing old together, and we happily encourage each other to do whatever we want to do...and we alsways respect each other.