Letters to the Editor
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To Jane
I appreciate that you enjoy my other letters, if not the one below. But sometimes the responses to Cary's LWs get so serious, or so silly, that I want to throw a little bomb out there and see who gets the shrapnel.
You are asking Cary to censor me. You might be surprised to learn that Cary has removed several of my more outrageous posts before you ever got to see them. I'm not offended, save for the fact that only one other editor at Salon censors my work, and she's a hypersensitive man-hater. Sometimes I'm a little exasperated that Cary of all people doesn't appreciate my sense of humor, ribald as it can be.
I'm wired different than most. Some like me, some don't. But I'm too old and cranky to change.
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Child support?
Why should the kids' stepmom, in that status for 1 year, pay child support? Certainly their biological mom should. But stepmom?
Just wondering.
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Something is not right with this guy
As Echo and Take A Step Back have said, this man has given us enough info to realize that he has estranged his wife - no kids until I say so, stranger in her own home. I wonder how, if his children have embraced her, as he says, she feels marginalized. Does he usurp her authority in the family? What decisions, if any, does she get to make?
And I have to reinforce Echo on her being 32. You do not tell a 32 year old woman to wait to have a child unless you mean "I don't want one with you." Whatever money they "save" by waiting until they've purchased the house will be more than eaten up by fertility treatments. Except he won't go that route, and she shouldn't have to.
Frankly, I think this dude is a passive aggressive jerk. Doesn't matter who leaves who, she will be better off. Can't speak for how the children will make out. They sound like his pawns to me.
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LW is lying to himself about what he really needs to do here
That's the big lie going on.
Cary's advice is succinct and on the money. Take it.
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Cary is the James Frey of Advice Columnists
I am dumbfounded that so few people see through Cary's phony letters. Do the readers not recognize the same phrasing, the same level of literacy, the tendency to go on and on, that runs through all columns recently? Cary, you know what a lack of rigorous honesty can do. I only hope that your editor will finally notice this ridiculous and shameless charade of composing fake letters and answering yourself in a vacuum. You are the James Frey of advice columnists. At least try to make your future letters sound different....a bit illiterate, maybe some poor grammer? You have taken New Journalsim to a rock bottom low with your disregard for your readers' intelligence. They may not realize it now, but some book critic (if your columns ever get printed) will tear you apart.
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Here it is, Surprise, Surprise!!
Surprise, Surprise
I thought I'd bolster you're totally on-target point with a little evidence. Witness this infamous letter: http://dir.salon.com/story/mwt/col/tenn/2005/05/13/foie_d_amour/index.html
Situations not all that different, huh? Infidelity? Check! Cheater emotionally unavailable? Check!
Sure the extent and duration of the infidelity are different and their home life hasn't totally disintegrated the way the today's lw's has. Still, none of that accounts for the radically different stance Tennis takes on the issue. And as for your point about how Cary attributes men's infidelities to inner essences or social factors, well sub "Frenchness" for "masculinity" in this instance and you're right there. Or how about last week when he argued that men have something like a "lizard-brain" that makes them liable to pawing at women who aren't their wives/girlfriends if that women happens encountered in any posture that's associated with intimacy? In that instance I think it was sitting on a sofa, watching television, right? Not that he totally lets either of these guys off the hook, but he is completely willing to rationalize their behavior.
I'm sure there are more of these and I'd love it if someone else dug a few up by my lunch hour.
As much as I enjoy Cary's column, we all have our blind spots, and this most certainly is one of his.
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More going on here
Obviously, there is more going on here than the LW is letting on. He finds out she is cheating on him, goes to therapy with the apparent expectation that she would confess her sins and the therapist would take his side.
Much to his shock, she turns the session on him (obviously, it should have been focused on HER faults), claiming that nothing happens in a vacuum.
He takes the next step, writes to an advice columnist who expects, like many who write for advice, to take his side. And Cary did. Hook, line and sinker. Obvious clues behind what may have instigated the affair (not justify, mind you) were in the letter (her desire for kids of her own, his desire for sex only). I suspect, given the length of the relationship, that these issues did not just suddenly appear. They had been brewing for a long time and neither the LW nor his wife had addressed them. Too bad it took an affair for them to seek counseling. They should have gone long ago.
That being said, Cary’s advice is still sound. You need a divorce. For both your sakes.
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Lying wife
As most of the commenters here let me reiterate LOSE HER NOW, this woman is/was not looking for a family, she is /was looking for a daddy, someone to provide her with a secure little world while she explores who she "really" is. There you were, older settled with a family of your own, it looked like playing house (she could be mommy) might be fun, you even forgave her 2 year hiatus, like a good dad. I suspect that the real cause for affairs is jealousy, sibling rivalry if you will with his kids, she can't have his undivided attention so she'll get it anyway she can. Only problem is this is real, although not to her. When I said lose her I do mean now like the next time she comes home to change clothes or whatever she should find them on the doorstep. Has LW asked his children their feelings about her, obviously she dosn't care too much about them and I"m willing to bet they know it, they also know she is making Dad miserable.
As to all the sooooo offended folks "how dare he snoop", well she lied, what was he supposed to do consult a physcic? In my book when in a marrage or family arrangment and you lie on such a magor issue to your SO, you lose the right to privacy, and in my life this has worked both ways, I have personally been on both ends, chalk it up to lessons learned.
Also I have not seen it mentioned but LW should get himself checked for STD's, she does not sound responsible enough to trust to have safe sex. If she should suddenly turn up pregnant, have the paternity of the baby tested and if yours try to get custody this person does not sound like she should be anyones mommy.