Letters to the Editor
-
Friend, protect thyself
Friendship and business is virtually always a fraught combination. I can easily rattle off a half-dozen unpleasant examples among people I know, some a lot more unpleasantly expensive than your situation. So see if you can get your money back ; if not, write it off. And if you like him other than this business thing, keep up an occasional surface acquaintanceship - it doesn't sound like he's particularly pro-active about real friendship anyway.
And learn this: If it's a business agreement, I don't care if it's with your mom: GET IN IN WRITING. Also, don't beat yourself up about not doing this before. It often takes lots of otherwise smart people lots of years and lots of burns to finally and reluctantly admit that written contracts are actually pretty wonderful things that protect all parties and are the ONLY way to conduct business.
-
Check cleared! That's good news!
But the whole event is unsurprising, unfortunately.
Pretty much every time a "friend" has openly and brazenly reneged on their promises to me, breaking the "friendship" by choice all the while claiming complete innocence and making promise after promise, or simply degenerating into blame and defensiveness, I have walked away peacefully. I have learned over time never to try to make someone stay, or make someone do right: they either do or don't, and time doesn't change that.
But time WILL soften the memories and hard feelings of most. Not completely, but enough to be changed with the right amount of pressure in just the right places.
This *time* is exactly my point: almost invariably, I will see this same person again in roughly 5 to 10 years, showing up on my doorstep all ready to make nice with reparations (never complete, btw) in hand, expecting to take up from *before* we left off. Oh, so sincere. Oh, so contrite. And because I am a forgiving soul, I got suckered in a couple times. Bad, BAD mistake. Each and every single time I saw one of these strays again, in just a short while it became evident that they were simply remaking the rounds because they had burned through all the "friends" they could manipulate and from whom they could extract goods, services, and emotional enabling, and needed a new source. It had nothing to do with me. The elaborate apologies and niceness were only that. If I let them stay long enough, they *invariably* pulled something similar again, but much sooner on because my trust had already broken once and they knew they had to move fast.
These people are not friends, but emotional con artists. The tipoff about your "friend", to me, is the obviously short reparation. He knows well what you value in life; it's never hard to spot in a person. He knows your door won't open without something in your hand that you can see. So he gave you that check he knew you'd been wanting for years. But he never thought he was wrong, and in his eyes this is a pittance. The full $1000 would be too, but then he'd be "giving in" to your accusations and he can't do that either, because he obviously did nothing wrong. So you got $700. And even though this check technically cleared the bank, had you accepted it and reopened the door, I have a feeling you'd have quickly seen how bad a payoff it really is.
A person of integrity would pay you back in full, or try to work it our *honestly* with you in some other way, like another poster here wrote. But the way I see it, what he gave you was about half of what he owed you, if not far less, because you have only his word for it that no money was made. You were here, he was there, and... well. What was made in Japan stayed in Japan.
You made out better than most -- you actually got some cash back -- and I commend you on your choice not to get guilted into reopening the relationship. Good, good call.
I should also add that the behavior displayed by your "friend" and the people I have described is common to personality disorders, not normal behavior. When you see someone like this show up again like a bad penny in a few years, don't open the door. Don't fall for it again. Forgiveness has no requirement that you bend over for another round. Just so you know. :)
Best wishes,
-
Integrity
Does no-one even understand the meaning of this word anymore?
I've been reading letter after letter about 'don't mix business with friendship' and 'get it in writing' and 'examine your motivations,' and many intelligent things have been said.
But this wasn't even a real business deal. This person, from my reading of the situation, merely did a favor for a friend. The friend didn't pay him back, although he easily could have, and didn't explain why.
That's not a friend. That's an immature, irresponsible shyster. People like that do not have friends, and they are impossible to do business with, however many contracts you make.
Because if you get to the point of having to use the contract as legal leverage to force someone to pay you money he already knows he owes you, it's already not worth it.
There comes a time when endless introspection and analysis of someone else's motivations are just another energy dump into the vortex that already robbed you of time, affection and money. Character is not relative. Either you have it or you don't, and people who don't have it are not worth your time.
-
Never loan anything you expect to get back
It's a sad lesson. You have to experience to fully know it. But it's true: Unless you are willing not to get something back, don't give it out.
Also: Get everything in writing. Even with good friends. If they say, "Why do we have to put it in writing? We're friends" say back, "Why can't we put it in writing? We're friends."
Don't forgive your friend until the check clears. Then consider the money his apology.
The money you lose on a deal gone sour is money you paid to gain a lesson. It's money well spent if you learn that lesson. It is money wasted if you don't.