Letters to the Editor
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Re: Not Real
Dendrio,
thanks for calling out all the chest-beaters and complainers on this forum. Truly I do not get why they come back every day to post the same recurring. Stop reading or start your own column. 'nuff said.
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Live and learn
LW -- Was there no understanding between you and your friend about this deal? Was your payment a loan or was it "equity" (at risk investment for which your friend was not personally liable)?
Before I chucked this guy's friendship, I would talk to him about whether there was an honest misunderstanding here. That appears to be the case on the surface. No meeting of the minds, as lawyers like to say. You thought it was a personal loan, he thought it was an at-risk investment. Assuming that was the case, his offer to pay you 70% back is pretty generous.
I think in life you can mix business with friendship. But you need to lay out the rules up front.
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one or the other, not both
Okay, let me see if I have the terms of this business deal straight. Friend in Japan owns an online auction business. You buy him $1000 worth of something he is sure could sell for more money in Japan, ship it to him, and he's supposed to split the profits with you. But there are no profits because it doesn't sell well, if at all.
He still owes you $1,000, by my reckoning. Plus shipping.
There's a very basic lesson to be learned here: don't make business deals with friends. Not even small business deals. My grandmother once sold her car to a friend; the friend had car trouble and decided not to pay her, and that was the end of a 40-year friendship. You can have a friend, or you can have a business partner, but you can't have both at once. When the two come into conflict, you have to ask yourself which is more important to you. You would have remained friends with this guy despite knowing that he was a schmuck to his business partners, wouldn't you? Until he hurt you. That made it personal. If you want to keep him as a friend, you are going to have to somehow unknow that he's just as willing to screw you over as all those other guys you knew about before but didn't care about. If you want to keep him as a friend, it's going to have to be on the terms, "I know this guy is an asshole about money but I like him anyway because he has qualities that make up for it. (But I'm a smart boy and I won't lend him money again.)" It's possible to do that, without being a wimp or a wuss; all friends have flaws, you have to decide on your own whether what you put up with in a friend more than equals the pleasure you get from the friendship.
Maybe he doesn't have any qualities that make up for it. Maybe you only had him as a friend because you didn't realize he was willing to screw you over about money. So you dump him as a friend.
Your other option is to treat him as a business partner and say, "I want my money, all my money, and I want an explanation of why it took so long for you to give it to me." Cary's right about one thing. Wait for the check you already have to clear before you say this.
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The interesting part of this letter is...
Why this friend?
I agree w/ Editoranne, & Carey. The bulk of this issue is the politics of the friendship, not the money. If this guy was evasive and didn't pay you back and avoided you all this time...then he's not your friend. Which is among the hardest lessons to learn, for some people.
I ended 2 friendships when:
a) I flew to a friend's birthday party, but months later, she didn't contact me after I had a serious operation.
b) re the other friend: I got a new job, & instead of being happy for me, all she could talk about was her worry that I would become friends w/ her ex, who worked at my new place of employment.
Maybe the LW, like me, has a problem with making friends w/ charismatic, dynamic people who are simultanously extremely selfish: the type of people who let you down when you really need them.
It was very painful to end the friendships--but I feel like I really grew from it. It made me feel like a grownup, rather than an ugly dog that gets kicked around.
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more details from the LW
Just wanted to thank all the people for their comments, whether I agreed with them or not.
To give some more details of the transaction that many felt was necessary to understand the situation better, I was asked to buy some stuff in america that was in high demand in japan. so I was not making an "investment" as some speculated. the "friend" agreed to pay me the cost of the product and a percentage of the profit. still a stupid unenforceable agreement I admit.
as cary and some others inferred, this was pretty much a lark. $1000 was not insignificant to me but it didn't hurt me in a serious material way. though i did put a good deal of time just getting the find the stuff for them. (btw, the stuff is not illegal!).
I really had put it all behind me and thought of the experience as a life lesson. I did feel foolish about getting suckered but I was more outraged and disgusted with him for ruining a relationship over such a relatively small amount. ( no I would NOT have preferred the amount to me more). Seriously, I was more intrigued than anything else as to why he was contacting me now. I almost felt sorry for the guy to have to revisit something shameful like that.
anyway, follow up: I did get the check and it cleared. don't plan on touching base with him. if he calls to chat or IM a couple of times a year, well that 's no big deal.