My children's second mother and I were in the same position. We had the same sorts of questions and ultimately decided to use an unknown donor from a sperm bank. It took us months to choose a donor from the profiles we reviewed. It's a bizarre feeling to venture into parenthood in such a deliberate way-- reviewing race, medical history, interests, academic records and physical characteristics of the candidates. We knew more about our donor than some women know about their children's biological father at the time of conception. But you cannot understate the completely emotional component of this process.

At the same time, you should not underestimate the legal consequences of your decisions. Everything is different after there is a living, breathing child. It can be hard for donors (and even for the bio and non-bio parents) to live up to their promises when all of the bliss and burdens of parenthood reality crash around them. You need to spend time with the questions: 1) what happens if these relationships don't work out the way we now plan for them to and 2) what do I want my relationship with my children to look like?

As queer parents, we don't have the same rights in every state. And our children certainly do not. I believe it is my obligation to do everything I can legally and otherwise to give my children security with their family. There are few states that recognize our relationships, particularly with respect to the legal assumptions about who is a parent. Sperm donors in some states have been recognized as parents even if that was never anyone's intention at the outset. Some states allow non-biological parents to adopt. Others do not. Frankly, the kids suffer when they can't or don't have clear legal relationships with their parents, because then everything depends on the parents staying together. Do what you can to protect all of those relationships. And good luck. It's the best and the hardest job I've ever had.

JC Miller writes that "love is enough" and questions anybody who differs.

That may be fine for JC, but it is not OK with those stuck in the mighty identity eraser machine. This love is enough ideology is constantly refuted by ART creations and adoptees held captive by official lies. Katrina Clark's op-ed in the Washington Post should be a wake-up call for those who think that children created by DI and other means and the adults they become don't need an historical context and knowledge of themselves. The peculiar belief that love is all you need can only come from those with existing known ties of kinship. Whether they chose to access them is another story. That's their choice. Man of us have never been granted that dignity. At least one generation of DI children (now adults) have agitated for their histories and identities. This upcoming generation will demand it.

Miller writes, "A child would only ask or be anxious about a “real father” or a “real mother” if that child had been domesticated into the lie that there is such a thing."

That is the the underlying pathology of secret keepers in ART and adoption. Shut up. Be greatful. No one is "domesticated" into wndering where they came from. History counts. Geneology counts. Biology counts. Just ask somebody who isn't allowed to have theirs. It is certainly possible to love a child who is not your biological creation. Nobody argues that. But to steal someone's identity and paste it on to yours so you'll feel good about yourself is absurd. One can only wonder what kind of experience people who subscribe to this idea have suffered through.

Birthmother activist, adoption reformer, and writer Lorraine Dusky discusses the love in enough argument in her op-ed "Mary Cheney's Baby Will Someday Ask Who is My Daddy?"

http://www.sagharboronline.com/20070104/news.htm

I've also blogged on this article http://bastardette.blogspot.com

As you point out with the experience of your friend, adoption for some adoptive parents is a game of let's pretend. Throughout the 20th century much of adoption policy and ideology was based on wiping out biological connections through document sealing, the admonition to never talk about your adoption, the every-day experiences such as your friend's, and the phenomenon of the Late Discovery Adoptee--people who learn post-childhood that they are adopted, often only after their adoptive parents are dead. The LDA experience is particulary nasty since it usually means that the adoptive parents have forced others into their own pathology. Family members, friends, co-workers, for example, are dragged into the secret. These parents will go to great lengths to hide their secret if they fear exposure, such as cutting off relationships or moving across the country. This is exacty what I fear happening with ART where it is easy to hide how children are made Obviousy if a lesbian couple is rearing a chid, the child will know that some arrangment had been made to create them. The larger problem, I think arises with straight couples who can easily cover-up their repro activities--embryo implantation, surrogacy, and snowflake adoption, for instance. At the moment, though, focus is put on high profile GLBT people. I don't know anyone in adoption reform who objects to GLBT adoption, or is much concerned about male role models. Their only concern is identity issues.

Your friend's paper sounds interesting. The idea that women are not "complete" without a child is still prevelevant and that's what feeds a good part of the adoption/ART business. Those of us who are childfree by choice also get it. We're "selfish" because we don't want or have kids." People who can't have children hate us.

You wrote: All I'm suggesting is that there are two discussions worth having here: One about your right to open records, and one about how you can best take care of yourself and how I can best take care of my daughter.

I agree with you totally. What I don't want to see is the rights of adoptees and children like your daughter remain a political issue for "special interests" to glom on to to pimp their own pernicious agendas. The enemies of adoptee rights are the enemies of GLBT rights. Of course, adoptees will continue to be infantalized by these idiot bigots, I'll bet the bank that your daughter and her "colleagues" when they grow up will be forever children, too if they voice an opinion on anonymity.