Letters to the Editor
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You'll probably get offers from this letter..check them out
Perhaps you'll get some letters from people who were raised by same sex couples, some with known parents and some whose donor father was/is anonymous. I understand that there have been a number of children(teenagers) who have tracked down anonymous donor fathers.. I'll bet you'll get offers just from this letter to Cary. If you have a good lawyer you should not have custody issues — your partner after all will be the child's mother. So look around for a donor you know first. If I were such a kid I'd want to know..not just the medical stuff..but the family ancestry. And I might want to spend a weekend or so with that person. You have a brother? I guess there's always David Crosby.
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I think it's extremely unwise to have a known donor.
At least in the sense that's being talked about here. It's virtually impossible to make it so a donor cedes all parental rights. I don't think I need to spell out how this could potentially complicate things if any one of the three of you suddenly decides they want to re-visit the original deal.
That said, a far better option is to use a sperm bank that specializes in known donors. Some banks insist that the donor remain anonymous until the child turns eighteen, at least one (Rainbow Flag Health Services) allows for disclosure at much earlier ages. This gets rid of the "great mystery" in the child's life of not knowing, but provides legal protection for all parties.
Now, my understanding all of this changes *if* you live in California. It is my understanding that you can use a sperm bank as a sort of intermediary between you and the donor in order to essentially render the sperm anonymous in the legal sense.
But honestly, if you're not familiar with the legal implications that apply to your situation, you need to research that first. Cary is engaging in some heterosexual privilege here, because gay and lesbian families don't have the luxury of simply "feeling our way" through these matters.
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our donor was a friend and it worked out great
It's good to think carefully about this issue. If you have a male friend whom you trust and have known a long time, and who is known by others to be trustworthy and a good person, you might want to consider asking this person to be a donor. History is important. I suggest not considering anyone you've known well less than 10 years. I think it is good for the child to have more family, and to know their father. My partner and I did this and it has worked out great. If you can't find someone who is really a good choice for this role, you may be safer with an anonymous donor.
You also need to be trustworthy with respect to the father. If you act in bad faith and try to prevent any father-child bonding or try to destroy a bond that does develop, that is wrong and damaging. Once you make your choice, you have responsibilities as a parent to your child and to the other adults involved. I have seen too many lesbians sabotage the relationship between their children and the fathers.
There was an article in the NYTimes Magazine not too long ago that explored these issues, link: http://tinyurl.com/yf36ha.
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Separate out the issues: Biological heritage, daddy, and protection for the non-biological mom
There are two issues being conflated here. One is -- Does my child have a right to know her/his biological heritage? I think the evidence is overwhelmingly in, from adoptees' rights groups, that a child does need and deserve the ability to know her/his ancestry, although it seems to work fine if that knowledge becomes available at around age 18. Most sperm donation agencies have a list of donors who are willing to be contacted when the child is 18, once parental rights are a moot point. I mean, think about it: What would be the psychology of a man who is donating sperm so that others can become pregnant without his directly playing a role? Anyone who would do that AND insist on parental rights is not someone you want in the child's life because controlling behavior is clearly on the table.
The second issue is whether or not the child needs a "father" figure who is directly biologicaly related to her/him. Again, the evidence is overwhelmingly in about that notion: Many, many people have been raised by parents of one gender, by two people of the same gender, by extended families, by stepfathers who are no biological kin, and have turned out to be wonderful human beings who do not feel deprived. You cannot give your child everything, and if you are feeling worried about "cheating" her/him by not having a father in the picture, then, honey, that's about your identity as a mom and as a lesbian, something you need to address with your partner -- not something you need to wish on the child's so-called needs.
It is important that children have access to as diverse a community as possible, if they are to be comfortable citizens of this world. This means not only strong role models of all genders, but also of many races, classes, ethnicities, religions, abilities, and ages. Are you trying to get that in place for your child as well? The old "nuke fam" idea lasted for about one generation in our cultural history, and was ragingly oppressive for almost everyone except straight white men. If you are going to think about your child's resource, think Big, much bigger than "who's the daddy?"
Lastly, as as lesbian mother, let me say, having a good lawyer for custody issues is really not enough. Not unless you are independently wealthy and can flee the country if things go terribly wrong. Custody battles bring out the absolute worst in people you thought you knew and loved (lesbian, gay, straight, whatever). You, as the nonbiological mother, are the least represented and protected kind of parent in the system. Asking for a father with parental rights can be suicidal. What if your partner goes straight, finds jesus, falls in love with someone else? (Happens all the time.) She can easily make a pact with a "father" and honey, legally you will be out in the cold, unless you live in one of the few places where second-parent adoption by another woman is being consistently upheld. Don't be stupid like Heather Poe. If you really love your child, make sure s/he will never have to run the risk of losing their relationship with you because of a custody battle -- that's way more important than having a figurehead daddy.