Letters to the Editor
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awww.
glad to see someone still believes in magic and fairy tales in this crazy mixed up world.
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Tell the truth
They should tell her the plain truth. That's because, in this culture, the loss of Santa is part of the process of growing up. It is a rite of passage. The whole _point_ of Santa is that you are _supposed_ to outgrow him. "There ain't no Santy Claus" isn't just a complaint; it is a proverb, a distillation of hard-won adult wisdom. It is a kind of vaccination against self-delusion, as necessary as a measles shot. Without it, she is vulnerable, not just to derision now, but far worse exploitation later.
Santa is the patron saint of skepticism. He made the ultimate sacrifice - he never even _was_ - in order to give children the holy gift of Doubt. How generous!
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re: awww.
> glad to see someone still believes in magic and fairy tales in this crazy mixed up world.
Yeah. They're called "the religious."
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Tricky stuff
When I was about 10 and miserable in my family life, I told my mother I was going to write a letter to God. To this day I can't remember if she literally said there was no God, but I do remember her not very subtly trying to steer me away from that, suggesting I write a letter to myself instead. I was very skeptical of the efficacy of writing to myself, but did it anyway, just to please her... Okay, this probably doesn't have anything to do with the LW; it just reminded me of how easy it is for parents to deflate the world of their children.
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Totally agree-great advice
You know Cary, never would have thought of it that way, that it is a poetic belief and your best advice was to warn her that people can step all over your beliefs if you do not guard yourself. This, in a way, is a life lesson that is perfect for a 13 year old. It will prepare her to guard her beliefs in large themes in her life: morals, ethics, and her religion. People can be cruel, but if she can learn early to build a wall against hurt and her belief in Santa is a perfect way to practice this!
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My 8-year-old still believes...
...sort of. He desperately wants to believe but it is an obvious struggle. The real problem is the lengths to which my wife and I have gone to maintain the illusion. All presents magically appear in the morning, no fire in the fireplace, cookies eaten; I feel guilty now for the elaborate deception that seemed like innocent fun at the time. So here is what I'm doing...
He has to buy presents for everyone this year with his own money, wrap them, hide them and put them under the tree on Christmas Eve before going to bed. I gave him the lecture about how nice it feels to surprise people with gifts they really like. Santa's name doesn't enter into it at all. I'm gambling on him figuring it out himself.
That's the best I could come up with. I hope it works.
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Elijah
I'm a rationalist. But every year at our seder when we put out the cup and open the door for Elijah, I sincerely believe in Elijah ~ not merely in what he stands for or an idea but literally in Elijah who I am sure will stop by...
(I realize (or am learning today!) that Elijah's visit doesn't pose the problems Santa's does in terms of children's belief systems.)
People are questioning the LW's daughter's intelligence and social conscience and asking the value of this question in a world full of "worse" problems.
I think that perhaps the daughter's intelligence and social conscience make her need a belief in Santa all the more.
Moreover, I think that human beings can believe contradictory things at the same time and need some denial (I have read that the clinically depressed are more realistic than the not-depressed). In fact, I think that we need healthy, whopping doses of denial and (for some of us) fantasy to get through the day, however much our day jobs and political activities are grounded in reality and even as we fight the good fight to keep from sending the world back to the middle ages.
Special thanks to the wise and kind 10-year old who weighed in!!!
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she knows
I pretended not to know until i was 12. I just didn't want to give up childhood quite yet. BUT, i knew. And i think i didn't want my parents to see me as all grown up yet either. Maybe she still wants to be a kid for a while longer.
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My son also believed at this age
And it sounds like his belief was like your stepdaughter's.
My son's father and I (we are divorced, now) went to elaborate lengths to make Santa real, despite living conditions that made it really difficult. We put out cookies and milk and snacks for the reindeer. We nibbled bits off the reindeer carrots. We left full stockings for the cats. I was leery of the effect long before the ex was willing to give it up.
My son is a bright and imaginative young man who had several very difficult years, in part because of serious illness.
The year my son was 14 was the year of the divorce and of my son's major surgery. I was not up to "creating the magic" nor was I up to creating more stress and pain. So. I sat down and wrote a letter from Santa explaining to my son that, while his continued belief was wonderful, Santa was really for little children. Or words to that effect.
A couple of years later, my son mentioned the "let's let Santa rest" letter from me. I was stunned. He had actually stopped really believing years before, but enjoyed the fantasy. He recognized my turns of phrase in the letter and was pleased at how I handled it. He was also sort of relieved because he didn't want to let me down. We had one of the best laughs together we have ever had.
I asked all the questions LW mentions asking. He gave all the answers LW reports her stepdaughter gave.
My son is in college, now, studying to be a writer. He has the ability and willingness to immerse himself in made up worlds while knowing perfectly well that the characters aren't real life characters. He has a normal student social life and, since he went to school with other creative kids, he was never taunted about his belief. It is quite possible he was "out" to his friends long before he admitted his disbelief to us.
So, my advice would be to ease your stepdaughter into a role where she gets to help younger kids believe. The fantasy can be a warm and friendly place to live.
Djunia