It takes an exceptionally compassionate, empathetic, selfless person to come into the life of a child -- particularly a lonely, frightened, angry, and, yes, troubled child -- and to make any kind of positive difference (neutrality is not an option when you're dealing with a 10-year-old). Exceptionally so.

This is NOT a letter flaming the LW in the slightest -- but it is a letter saying very strongly that she is NOT one of those compassionate few. She says that she and the boy's father decided to make a permanent commitment, but does not seem to accept that the commitment to his son will be every bit as permanent, and far more powerful and formative to the son than to the father.

She can not say honestly that she wishes or is prepared to make such a commitment to the son, so she shouldn't. Do NOT enter this marriage and produce more misery for everyone involved. Get out. Now.

What a great answer! Sometimes, I get frustrated with Cary's advice column because his answers meander along like a drunk philosophy professor with tenure to spare. This column was right on point and made the point in a powerful way.

Yup. The kid is plenty angry and hurt. The stepmother, well-meaning or not, has no clue. I don't know if I agree with other posters that she should leave, but, it's certainly not going to be wine and roses with the "perfect mate" she'll "always love." (Snicker. Snicker.) Sorry, that's the divorce attorney in me coming out.

Anyway, Cary, more directness, less waxing poetic next time. It suits you.

What a look inside the head of a child!

It is a little much to expect a child to be over a divorce in one to three years. To be blunt, he needs his dad more than his dad needs LW. That the boy is following her around is a massive compliment, and that he's as compliant as he is says volumes for his resilence, hometraining, and respect for her.

His father needs to move back 70 miles away, to his old house and home. The child needs stability and to be near both parents. Cary is right that he is inarticulate and the LW should be grateful he is inarticulate. This kind of regression is a massive sign of insecurity. Uprooting for part of the month to a new place, with a new person, is very destabilizing. His actions are normal to me.

Step back, LW. You can be committed in two houses. When the boy is 13 or 14 he won't need his Daddy so much. Right now, at this age, he needs him badly. You've shown an ability to be sensitive before. Be sensitive now. Or move to the father's home 70 miles away, and adjust your schedule. You are more flexible.

I have a little boy. They are alternately needy and tough. They are as fragile as butterflies. Find the sympathy to empathize with his confusion.

This was simply an excellent response to a too-common problem. I believe the writer that she is nice, ALWAYS nice. I have no doubt that she is doing everything in her power to make this complex relationship work.

But Cary is simply dead-on. Kids in pain don't reason; they simply react. I'm not a mother; I'm just a middle-school teacher. But I see this kind of response over and over: Many kids in pain lash out wildly; it's not that they don't care who they hurt, it's that they just don't know any other way to communicate their grief.

I have little business offering advice, but as the stepdaughter who once lashed out (without even realizing it, honestly!) at my mother's replacement, I urge you to stick it out. But understand, stepmothering isn't for the faint-hearted. After about five years of frustration, confusion, and tentative rapprochement, my stepmother became my mother. And I was 18 years old when I met her! It takes time. It takes more than nineteen months.

My first reaction was, "Haven't I read this letter before?" If I remember correctly, there was one awhile back about a fiancee whose partner had three children of varying ages that were oddly dependent on him. They couldn't be left alone in the house, even for short periods of time, although they were not developmentally disabled and one was a teenager. Perhaps some of the advice for that letter would apply here, too.

Cary, sometimes I wonder what you consider being helpful. This woman who wrote you about her difficult son who is causing her to pull her hair out gets the following advice from you: the child is difficult because he is a child and he is unhappy. So _what_is_she_supposed_to_do_about_it? That is what she is asking you. And you respond with a seemingly endless recitative of how you would feel if you were the little boy. Okay, great, that is how you would feel. So, what_is_the_letter_writer_to_do? You are supposed to be an advice person, right? Not a lengthy analysis-but-no-answer person, right? You could at least have suggested that she and her fiancee talk this mess over with a family counselor, to get some professional ideas from somebody who knows what's what, on what_to_do_next.

To the woman who wrote the letter: Cary is useless at times. This is one of them. Cheers to you for trying. You need some practical advice. As Dear Abby used to say at times, "Get professional help." She was right, at times.

Good luck.

Cary, you hit the nail on the head. I admire your ability to get in that kid's head without condescension, and to show empathy towards the stepmother in a tough situation.

I do have compassion for the stepmom, and there may be parenting issues involving the father and the ex-wife. I know sometimes dads feel so guilty about leaving their marriages, that they can't discipline their kids whatever they do. They figure, "I've caused enough pain, why add to it?" But not disciplining the kids can lead to much more pain down the road.

It sounds like the LW and her ex were very thoughtful and mutually supportive when it came to decisions about raising their kids. It may be this man and his ex-wife do not have the same situation.

Yet I'm surprised that, if she says she wants to love him, she's bothered that he always wants to know his dad or his stepmom is. Obviously both are important and provide stability for him. That could be the sign of a bond developing. And for heaven's sake, what's wrong with the kid following his dad around all the time? Not suprising considering his limited time with his dad. When I read about those two situation, whatever his behavior in other circumstances, my heart broke for that child. And if he's only there every other weekend, then her potential husband's time is not by a long shot being monopolized.

I find it really odd that, miraculously, LW and her own kids have been the children of divorce and yet went through no period of pain, hatred, and blind rage. Maybe they really didn't, and lucky for them if so.

But can this union of two divorced people work so easily? Unless she can get used to the kid's needs at this time, marrying the father, and making this situation everyone's permanent reality, sounds to me like a very big mistake. Every other weekend will be tense and painful with the boy. Weekdays will be filled with stress and mutual antagonism in the marriage because of the weekends. No one will be happy.