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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
Again, this doesn't necessarily make any sense but I think it's something that many men would agree with. Telling a guy you had a FFM threesome would probably lead the average guy to think: "Ok, this woman doesn't have any sexual hangups. She's probably done her share of partying etc." Telling a man that you let two guys pound you out will probably leave him to think you're a whore. Again, this is probably not fair, but it's the truth.
Okay, maybe he's a little nuts. He has either lost all respect for this woman or had little to begin with and should, therefore, sprout some balls and end the relationship for sake of each party's mental health.
What it ultimately comes down to, in my opinion, are standards. Her sexual past obviously doesn't meet his standards, and none of us can judge him for that. There are some people out there who will only consider marrying a virgin. Are they unreasonable? Are they nuts? Perhaps, but each and every one of us maintains the privilege of determining our own standards.
That said, I'll reiterate the point that this fellow probably feels betrayed, disappointed and disgusted by the woman he (thought he) loved and respected and should immediately end the relationship and put an end to the vengeful hurting, insulting and picking.
and i really hope you're not a pshrink because you seem to label and stereotype people, which can't be a good thing for your patients.
I admit that I am a bit nuts. That's why i'm so into experimental psychology as well.
What you say about generalization. I don't call it generalization but statistics. You have to see statistics as an helper. Statistics might show you a way but as you excellently know that it can mislead you. Why I generalized was the fact that 92,4% (I always left special notes about every case since it's my favorite) of people I encountered suffering these kinds of emotions act the same way under the stress of these emotions. My close buddy from the university ended up studying criminal psychology and boy, do those guys generalize.. and they're also pretty successfull with it. Comparing the uncomparable?? Statistically NO ... Maybe once you can explain me how can you scientificaly study anything without statistics?? That's blasphemy my dear friend. I've put all my effort into understanding and empathy because I didn't want to end up like those herds of lousy out of the book therapists.
Generalization is an extreme and at the other end is another extreme called "the uniqueness".
Emotions are a territory where you have to apply emotional logic. And that logic has few strict rules. And one of the most cruel one is that it takes a "god" to change the output emotions if there is unbiased emotion logic present. The best way to change something is to put a clear unbiased input and try to guide the person to transform it into an clear unbiased output.
So who's nuts?? Me a person with a long experience and a big record of successfully putting the correct input into people and teaching them?? You a common theoretist?? Or my colleague a psychologist/sexuologist who commited a suicide a year ago?? I beleive we are all nuts because we're human. But you be the judge...
Who/what's a pshrink??
Teaching them how to learn ways of understanding their own personalities, emotions. On their own. Not telling them which output to choose.
My current patient seems much more happy and confident now. He brings his wife here for a better brainstorming. With maybe two more mental cementing sessions I beleive he won't have a need to use "gods" to fight his own demons anymore. A pretty smart guy who started to understand himself as nobody else.
Nuts sure are great.. in the brain and in the bowl on my table...
What if the guy is secure in himself but not in the way his gf tells him about her past?
Telling him, "I've had X amount of lovers, but I've blown at least twice as many?" Or she keeps in touch with all of her ex-lovers, including a list of who they were? Texting, emailing and giving advise to guys who hurt her in the past and openly carrying on in these relationships with the guy she is supposedly so in love with. Is this love or just someone getting revenge back on a guy who is too stupid to just leave?
Telling him that she would love to give him a rim job and then flicking her tongue at him and saying, "And I've had my tongue up many a**holes" while trying to kiss him. Is a guy just suppose to "put up" with it, because it's "his problem"? Please.
Is this at all respectful to the guy who is in her life now or is that too much unnecessary information?
Sure, the sex might be good, even great, but at what cost? Does the guy really have a problem or simply has to lower his standard for having one?
I know from experience that this is a difficult situation, and just saying 'leave him' is not the ideal thing for this girl to do, especially if both boy and girl love each other.
I have been with my girlfriend for a year and 3 months now, and i absolutely adore her, love her to bits. However, I found out through a 'friend' near the start of our relationship that she had been involved in a threesome with 2 guys about a year before we got together, one of which she subsequently dated for 5 months. These two guys remained her only previous sexual partners before me. I had had no previous sexual partners before my girlfriend.
At first, I dismissed what I had been told as rumours, as the girl I had come to know, and by this time fallen in love with, was (and stilll is) kind, loving, faithful and I have all the trust in the world for her. However the feeling kept niggling in the back of my mind that 'she wouldn't do something like that...would she?' So after about 5-6 months, I asked her about it. Turns out she was indeed involved in the aforementioned threesome, but only had sex with one of the guys. When I pushed her she admitted she 'did stuff' with both of them. I did feel sick and was on the verge of tears. I did consider leaving her because of this; I felt like I had been tricked, like the girl who had become my whole life was nothing but a cheap whore. I told her how I felt, which was a huge mistake because she burst into tears and ran out of my house. From that moment, I knew that there was no point persecuting her about it; I know I love this girl enough to let her past mistakes remain just that.
Incidentally, she told me the reason she did it was that she was desperate to get her first sexual experience 'over and done with' so as to fit in with the rest of the 'popular' girls in her year who were already sexually active. This to me paints a sad picture of our society; that girls would rather lose their virginity in a sordid and seedy way, to someone who couldn't care less about their feelings, than wait for someone who cares about them to make the experience special, which is how it should be.
But I can totally understand why this lad feels disgusted; it's not very nice to imagine your girlfriend being used as a means to an end by one guy, let alone two at the same time. I sometimes (make that all the time) wish she had lost her innocence to me, or if not with me then in a loving, caring situation, not just for some cheap encounter. Knowing that she regrets what happened makes it feel slightly better, however I know that there is absolutely no point in bringing up past hurts; me and my girlfriend are more in love than ever, and I want to look forward, not back.
If this guy really does love you, then tell him the past should remain the past, and that bringing it up only causes unnecessary hurt. If he can't understand that, then yes, by all means, finish him. But there is more to every situation than meets the eye.
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