I'm a little late to the game, but it seems to me Cary was right and wrong. Leave him because he is treating you poorly because he cannot come to terms with your threesome. However, all these people condemning him for being bothered by it are off-base. He does not have a double standard about this, as he himself has never had a threesome and would never consider doing so, since he considers sex "sacred" and all that. So he is simply holding her to the standards to which he holds himself. And you know what, I once dated a woman who I found out had had 22 partners before me. Maybe if I had had 22 partners myself, it would not have bothered me. But I hadn't, and it did. It was almost a primal thing. It was a deal-breaker. Sorry. Not that I wanted a virgin, I don't. But I did not want a woman who had slept with several strangers, as I do not sleep with stranger. So, again, no double standard there.

Ok, this probably doesn't even deserve a response, but it's really late at night here and my judgment isn't the best...

You said: "but men no longer have the means to force women to consider a point of view different from the one they already hold or face consequences which the women find compelling, whereas women do have the means (sex) to compel men to engage in a meaningful way with the way women see things or face consequences that matter."

This sounds like you are pining for the days when men COULD force women...if that's how you feel, I can point you in the direction of entire regions of the world where men have that power over women. I'm not sure why you'd want to be in a relationship based on force, unless you're deranged. A relationship in which two people actually care for one another is actually much more fun.

What you're basically saying is that women now have enough power in this (part of the) world that men have to take into account how we feel. I don't really see what the problem is with that. That just sounds like two human beings interacting with each other in a respectful way. The alternative is what? That men can do whatever the hell they want and we just have to take it because we have no power at all? That sounds good to you? If so, let me refer you to paragraph three above, especially the word "deranged". I take into account what my boyfriend thinks and feels because I care about him, and he does the same for me, not because I'll withhold sex (which I would never do-- I like it too!) but because he cares about me. We're two PEOPLE. Having a reciprocal relationship. As equals.

I guess the good thing to take away from Anon's rants, ladies, is that Neanderthals like this apparently don't have much opportunity to get laid, and therefore there's a smaller chance they'll procreate.

So the woman wants to get married to a Nice Guy and can't understand why being a slut should be a problem?

Get real! A man wants to marry a woman with standards, not one who views herself as a walking set of orifices for pleasuring strangers. When she went down that path to slut-dom she lost the chance to marry a Nice Guy and enjoy the emotional satisfaction that a morally-centered life has to offer.

So, where are those guys who wanted two women at a time? The ones who wanted you to bend over like this and swallow like that? Why don't you go and bear their children, LW?

Oh, b/c aside from being hot exciting jerks they are total losers. Sorry about that. But you make your bed, and then you get laid in it. And sad for you, your bed was made for three, not two.

You said, "the issue is whether in a modern civilized society, functioning according to the rules everyone agrees should apply (and again I am well aware that this is not always, to put it mildly, the case), women are willing to seriously consider the point of view of men when it conflicts with their own emotions in a way equivalent to what men are willing to try to do to try to get along with women. I think the answer is obvious and becoming more so by the minute."

Can you be more specific about what you're talking about? This started with a discussion of sex, so I read this as, "if it conflicts with a woman's emotions to have sex with a man, she should consider his point of view that he wants to sleep with her and do it because his point of view is equally valid."

Is this what you mean?

and again, the fact that there is total comfort in doing so confirms again the original point that the only reality that matters outside of Afghanistan, Iran, China, or India is the reality that is in womens' minds regardlesss of it's relationship to anything else. Congratulations and enjoy.

This letter about sums it up. They believe they can do anything they desire and men should still accept them "for who they are."

But marriage is costly and risky for men. So men apply some rational standards. One of which is that women who treat their bodies like a locker-room sports accessory are not worth a life-time committment.

So, yeah, LW, dump him and go find another... woman. The feminists will really applaud you then.

Anon, I'm asking what you do in fact mean, because this all started with sex, so I'm not sure anymore if that's what you're still talking about! I'm assuming you are still talking about sex, but if not, tell me what you are talking about. It is not a woman's perogative to ask someone else who you're having a debate with to explain their position so you can understand what they mean.

I didn't condemn you based on my interpretation, I just asked, is that what you meant? If it isn't, explain what you do mean-- maybe I'll even end up agreeing with you. (I think I posted here yesterday defending what I thought your point was at the time, so I'm not just out to get you.)