What I said about my friends is that they might have brought it up in conversation, not to amuse themselves at my boyfriends expense, but because they would not have thought he would care about this. Maybe it should be common sense to them not to discuss things like this, but a lot of my friends are of a different mindset where something like this isn't a huge deal, and a lot of my friends are gay, which may have something to do with it as well. If they were to be amusing themselves at anyones expense, it would have been mine. I'm sure your friends know details about your past that you'd rather not have your significant other know, and I know I'm not the only one who has had friends reveal things to the people I've dated that I would prefer not be revealed.

And no, I do not really hang out with, and certainly do not have my boyfriend hang out with, the people involved.

what I meant was more that lots of men apparently feel that men owe women an apology for other men's failure to socially/sexually/emotionally please women, but women don't feel they owe men an apolgy for the fact that women don't always do what men want in social/sexual matters.

end of message

It is amazing how insecure people are. Not just your bf, but many of the respondents. Madonna/whore complex? Choosing to be with someone cannot be boiled down to ONE vein of thought. That is absurd. Things are not equal, but that does not condone his behavior.

Please, LW, I beg you to get out of this relationship now. He will not get better. Trust me. I went through the same thing you did, the jealousy, petty comments - the counseling, the ATTEMPTS at counseling. Please believe me when I say this is all a manifestation of HIS insecurity, and there is nothing you can do about it.

The main problem here is that he will not let this incident go. And, I can tell by the language of your letter, that you are starting to believe him - and you have started to believe that you are a disgusting person who did a disgusting thing. Don't listen to him.

I can probably tell you what's going on in your life right now: every few weeks or so, he will find something new about you that upsets him, or some comment you said, or some outfit you wore, or some co-worker or waiter or man on the subway who was looking at you the 'wrong way'. He'll have perfectly 'logical' arguments as to why that reflects negatively on your character, and argue in his defense, "Well, how am i supposed to know you're not like that, considering the whole threesome thing?"

And you, instead of getting angry at him, will try to be caring and understanding, because you feel guilty. At the same time, it will become increasingly difficult to be intimate, because now you are afraid of expressing your desires, or fantasies, lest you be judged. You will get paranoid every time you speak to a man, ANY man, even your 45 year old, balding, pudgy boss. You will think twice before you speak and look twice at your clothes, for fear of being 'accidentally' seductive. You are being constantly judged and criticized, and the sad thing is, you will start to think he is right.

Please don't. He does not appreciate your compassion. He sees it as weakness and exploits it. I will repeat what my bf told me, after which it became so easy to leave him - "The thing I couldn't respect about you was that you always tried to be understanding after I acted the way I did."

So, out of the pig's mouth. He doesn't respect your kindness. He doesn't deserve you. Leave, and be with an adult.

I knew that's what you meant, Anon. And the reason you put 1000 times the importance on sexual "failings" compared to weightier matters such as selfishness vs. generosity, etc., is because you are very, very immature. Eventually most of us grow up enough to realize that the opposite sex can't always give us everything we "would like" sexually and socially, due to several factors, but that that does not make them evil people. Lots of good people make sexual "mistakes" and bad choices, often in one phase of life. Other factors of a person's behavior and character are far, far more important. And deserve far more of our scrutiny, self-examination, and self-flagellation (if any) and vigilance.

we are seeing and will see more how well things work under the rule of this approach.

This boggles my mind. Women are "female supremacists" because they won't allow any man who wants it sexual access to them? Sorry, but having sex with the person of your choosing (against their will) is not a human right. And someone denying you access to them sexually is not a violation of their rights. Anon, you wouldn't allow any man who wants you sexual access -- why should a woman allow you that?

is the one derived from female emotional responses and no negotiation is necessary or desireable with any approach which is not so derived. In this specific case the issue is the importance of sex and whether or not men and women are in the same position in regard to it. I was not and am not referring specifically to the slut/virgin issue which was brought up originally but to the qestion which developed from it as to whether or not males and females are in a substantially equivalent position regarding sexual access, choice and opportunity and if not how the responses to that fact should be dealt with.

I have a couple of thoughts about this letter. My first thought is that I wholeheartedly agree that you have nothing to apologize over - the past is the past, and, frankly, what's so bad about having a threesome if that's what you wanted? If you regret it for your own reasons, that's fine, but nobody else has a right to regret it for you or to try and convince you that you are "slutty" etc. What, in fact, is "slutty" anyway? Two previous partners? Ten? As long as it's all consensual and you aren't hurting anyone in your present (meaning cheating on somebody), you can sleep with whoever you want. Period.

On the other hand, your boyfriend's reaction is probably not "nuts." As others have suggested, it is more likely insecurity. This is something that can be gotten over, but it doesn't really sound like he's trying. Does he exhibit other possessive behaviors? Is everything REALLY ok except for this one issue? If so, then he might be able to eventually get past it, but if you have other inklings that he doesn't accept you for who you are and who you have been (which are, after all, inextricably related), then I hate to say it, but this guy isn't right for you.

The key thing to remember is that this is HIS problem. He is the one that has to fix this, and if he can't then you have to let him go because above all, you have to protect yourself. You deserve to be with someone who will love you completely - this doesn't mean that he has to accept all of your beliefs about sex, etc, but it does mean that he has to treat you with kindness, and it doesn't sound like this has been happening. It's very sad, but it's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong here.

And as to all of those people who keep talking about biological urges and whatnot - that's just scientifically incorrect. The question of how men and women are "hard-wired" to act has not yet been settled - scientists can be cited that say that both sexes need to sleep around, that both sexes are naturally monogomous, etc - the fact of the matter is that nobody really knows, and either way it doesn't matter. That's what civilization is - transcending biology. Like it or not, we live in a world where women expect - and deserve - equality, no matter what the biological urge. If men had a biological urge to rape would that be ok? - I think not. So why is biology (especially, I point out again, refuted biology) an excuse for him to take out his jealousy on his girlfriend?

LW, only you know how your bf treats you on a day to day basis. If you think he can get over this, then give him some time. If not, then let him go - you're worth more.