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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
I used to get suspicious looks when I was in college when I had no problem enjoying sex. I never played the ol' "wow, I've never done anything like this before" game in the morning like my "nice" girlfriends did, who also really had done those things before. They used to coach me, saying I needed to play innocent more, and I just thought it was stupid.
Fast forward lots of years and these girls, who all married in their 20's to their perfect boyfriends and who appear to have the idealic marriages from their big homes and children, all tell me everytime we get together that they have no desire to have sex with their husbands. And when they do, it sounds pretty bland. None get oral. And the sex happens maybe once every two weeks or more.
One of those husbands I met first, gave him great oral according to him. Then he started dating my friend, the innocent one, several months later. She hates to give them and basically never does. Oh, she's got the ring and house and big money but neither of them gets laid very often. And both of them are in great shape so its not an attraction issue of marital weight gain.
So yeah, everytime I hear men whining about their sexless marriages, I think of all those guys in my past who considered me too slutty to take seriously. You can't expect chaste-acting women to suddenly turn vixen once you walk them down the aisle.
Oh, and I've never cheated on a boyfriend ever, one of the rationalizations I heard men use before; not being able to trust an experienced woman.
Honestly, LW, there is no need to discuss your sexual history with your next boyfriend. Its none of his business and only leads to problems like you have now. And I do hope you move on to another man. This guy is a controlling jackarse.
First of all, someone should commend the LW for being honest. A sincere bravo to you. LW, as you know, it's incredibly easy to keep such things a secret in a relationship, especially if there's any inkling that it might adversely affect the significant other. So, bravo. Your past is your past, and while you are not always obligated to reveal your past, your honesty is admirable.
However, it seems your honesty is not being rewarded, and unfortunately, that isn't always the case.
What this all boils down to is thus: there is an aspect about you, LW, that you can't change, an immutable characteristic, if you will. And while your boyfriend accepted and loved everything about you that he knew up until the revealing point of this incident, now, he knows one additional thing about you - and he doesn't love it. And you can't change this characteristic about you. And despite everything he does and used to love about you, he doesn't love this, and he can't get over it. This overshadows everything else that he's come to love about you. And it's not anything you can change. So, essentially, this one thing negates everything else, for him.
Is he being unreasonable? That's not for any of us to decide. Everyone has his or her "dealbreakers." Mine are cheaters. I've been cheated on in the past; I could never date a chronic cheater, even if he's never cheated on me. I would live with the fear forever that every woman that passed through his gaze would be the downfall of our relationship. Irrational? Maybe to you. But it's my call to make, just as much as it is your boyfriend's call to make on the threesome issue.
The problem is, you can't change what you did. Pardon the cliche, but what's done is done. And if he can't accept it, you can't force him to do so. Like I said, everyone's "dealbreaker" is unique and individual to them. If he hasn't made any progress and has further retreated from you for the last six months, I'd say that you'd be better off realizing your relationship has reached its threshold - and the point of no return is way behind you both.
Same thing happened to me -- and it was the first in a downward spiral of controlling behavior.
Your boyfriend will always feel inadequate -- the posturing about the threesome is just a symptom of that. There is nothing you can do to change his behavior. These -- not those of a wonderful man who you thought you might marry, but a those of a judgemental, insecure boy -- these are his true colors.
Drop him. Seriously.
The man I did marry doesn't know the details about my past, nor I of his, not because we're hiding anything, but because they don't have any bearing on how we feel about each other.
HOWEVER, we both have a pretty good idea of what skeletons the other has in the closet. The point is I feel like if I wanted to tell him every salacious detail, I know I could without it changing how he feels about me. And vice versa.
That's the kind of guy you want, LW. Someone who loves you not in spite of, but because of where you've been and what (who) you've done.
This guy needs to step up to the plate and get over it. He needs to realize that all of this woman's experiences sexual and otherwise have helped make her who she is and who she is is why she loves him now and dare I say it, why he loves her.
Take my situation, my current girlfriend has been with more than a few men (about 4x as many men as I have women). One of them was hung like a donkey, and she found that she did not so much enjoy such a large member. One of them had a penis that curved sharply to one side when erect, and this to was not very much enjoyed. Now I could be all upset about the fact that she has had her share of men, and knows what kind of dick she likes, and I could get all insecure because I am surely NOT hung like a donkey, but then I realize that her experience with other men has in part helped her appreciate me and my more average penis. In essence her experiences have helped her discover who she is and what she wants, In and Out of the bedroom and that makes me more secure in her love for me because I know she knows what she wants and she is with me.
So I say, more power to the LW and hopefully, her boyfriend will pull his head out of his arse soon. Oh, I should also mention that i am one of those "sex is sacred guys," but I don't go to strip clubs or have one night stands etc. I also am no prude and am more than happy to make sure my woman cums however necessary ;-)
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