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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
to pick a couple of random examples: if pretty boys get asked more than homely girls why are homely girls so much pickier than pretty boys? If women expect to be asked without having put themselves forward why do so many get so offended when men ask without any evidence that the women are interested, and unlike (according to you) gay women men don't get points just for asking. I don't say women get everything they want every time, but it's very different from the situation men are in.
Your boyfriend is obviously extremely insecure, and you really should not have to put up with abusive, passive aggressive behavior because he cannot accept you were not a Vestal virgin before meeting him. As a guy, I'm having a hard time seeing where he's coming from. Unless you just had a threesome with his brother and his best friend, what's the problem?
I realize people can have irrational insecurities around matters of sexuality, potential fidelity, etc. If a girlfriend told me she used to be a prostitute, that might be a bit tough for me to handle...at first. I think I'd need some assurances she wasn't going to pursue that career while I was with her. But I certainly would not be abusive to her because of it, or get all sullen and nasty because I couldn't come to grips with it. You deserve to be treated with respect for who you are, warts and all. There is nothing abnormal or bad about having a threesome, and you don't have to apologize for it. Enough time has passed for your boyfriend to get over it and now he needs to shape up or ship out. If he can't, you may need to accept that this kind of behavior is going to be an issue throughout your relationship and ask yourself whether he's worth it. Good luck.
I guess I could have been the LW's BF in a parallel universe.
I was a virgin once (who wasn't?) and the girl who I fell in love with and lost my virginity wasn't. Not even close (she was 20 when we got together, I 18, she'd had more than 20 sex partners already.)
We are married now, it's been almost 11 years, we've been together for a total of 16. We have kids.
I had/have low self-esteem, always have. This may explain why I was still a virgin when I met my future wife. She has/had low self-esteem, ironically this may explain why she was so experienced when she met her future husband.
I can relate to feeling jealous, less-than, and so on. I can explain some of the rationality (like, she's done things with other people that she didn't enjoy and doesn't want to do them again; I have never done those things and unless I hire a hooker, never will.)
In the end I can say that it did take therapy. But in this very complicated thing we call life how can I separate the part of me that was damaged before I met wife from the "trauma" of the vast differences between us sexually? In other words, I needed to be in therapy before I even met her. So I can't say that the therapy was to help me get over her past as it was really for me to get over my past and so on.
I do feel bouts of jealousy every once in a while, and guess what? From being in therapy I learned that this is triggered by stress and feeling threatened. So, now I can just say "I feel triggered" and help myself separate the feelings of jealousy from those of just feeling like sh*t about myself.
I am not an expert, but it seems like jealousy is just mis-placed self hatred.
LW: I do recommend that you move on from this relationship but also to learn from it. You have a past, and it is yours, but if it turned out that you would have traded your past for a future with this guy then I'm sure you would take it back if you could. You can't take it back so be much more careful about what you reveal next time. I know it's not fair, but life isn't.
...why are homely girls so much pickier than pretty boys?
Anon, until you can come up with a shred of verifiable evidence that you're speaking from fact instead of emotional belief born of your starting position that ALL women are more sexually desired than ALL men it's useless to engage you in debate.
Come up with that evidence, and we can perhaps talk about socialization and how it affects men and women differently. But while the basis of your argument is that the woman who played "Pat" on SNL is pickier than a Brad Pitt lookalike, it's very hard to stay with you.
is that men, even pretty ones, almost never are offended by the sexual attention of women, even homely ones, and women of all different looks can be very offended by the sexual attention of men.
This is not about double standards. The LW is not dating 'society' or 'all men'. She is dating one male individual. So all of this nonsensical talk about 'men this' and 'women that' is a waste of time.
Going back to my last letter, this male seems to be uncomfortable with threesomes. That is fine, the line has to be drawn somewhere, and its unfair to say that he should be 'sexually liberated' enough to be able to accept a past that includes threesomes, or fivesomes, or gangbangs.
The REAL problem is that this appears to be a deal-breaker for him, and instead of dumping her, he's belittling and hurting her until she can't take it anymore and finally does the deed for him. THAT is the real indictment of the boyfriend, nevermind his supposedly unenlightened attitudes about sex, and THAT is why she should DTMFA.
or he would have dumped her already. Anyway apparently there is follow up from the LW here.
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