anytime there is a problem between them it is always the result of malevolent intent on the part of the male.

The post didn't say that. I don't think anyone agrees with the above, or is advocating for it. You just want to think that all women think that, so your hatred of women is justified.

The post only talked about this particular situation, and in this particular situation, the guy is wrong. He asked, she told him the truth, and now he's putting her down and controlling her and getting all high and mighty moral on her for something she did, that, whether or not is the right thing to do, cannot be undone.

The more i think about it, the more this letter has nothing to do with sex. She could have told him, "yes, i took LSD once" and he would start screaming and vomiting about how the body is sacred, not to be polluted with drugs, etc. The guy is a controlling, passive-aggressive manipulator.

LW, I have a hard time feeling like if it hadn't been this, it would have been something else. Not even necessarily something sexual, just... something he arbitrarily decided was 'bad' and gave him the imaginary right to punish. This is so not about some blip in your sexual history - and, really, not exactly the most shocking blip in the world. I guess I wouldn't expect anyone's sig.o to join me in saying "Hey, good job on the MMF," but it's still beside the point. That kind of abusive behavior does not have an outside cause. Your boyfriend did not freak out because you had a threesome once upon a time way back when; he took the threesome thing as an opportunity to freak out - and in such a way that gives him all the power in the relationship, that has you begging for forgiveness for something that (say it with me now) was not wrong.

From the letter, you sound like a vibrant, confident girl, except for the parts where you're regurgitating the bullshit this guy has been drilling into you. I would be very surprised if a survey of his exes showed this type of judgment and treatment to be an anomaly from him. I'm very glad Cary was so uncharacteristically definite with his advice, because you really need to leave this guy six months ago.

and it probably isn't that he is engaging in a vast conspiracy to control women or a woman. It surprises me, well not really, that this would be a controversial or obscure point.

has anyone ever used reverse psychology on you.

Hugh wrote:

"Where does the line get drawn

Apparently to be considered openminded on this forum, you have to be okay with threesomes. How about foursomes? Or fivesomes. Or thirtysomes. According to some of these posts, if my girlfriend tells me she had sex with 80 men at once, I should give her a high five and say "You go girl. Way to explore your sexuality". If I don't fully support that decision, or get over it immediately because it was in the past, then I'm controlling, insecure, misogynistic, and probably homophobic to boot.

Whatever. Obviously the guy is over-reacting, but still, whats up with everyone falling over themselves to sound so "sexually liberated"."

Hey, two can play the hyperbolic rhetoric game:

_________

Apparently to be considered reasonably minded on this forum, you have to not be okay with threesomes. How about twosomes? Or onesomes? According to some of these posts, if my girlfriend tells me she ever kissed another guy, I should slap her and say "You slut. Way to explore your sexuality". And if I don't fully reject that decision, or get over it after many months or years, then I'm just a wimp and poser who is pretending to be "sexually liberated", and probably gay to boot.

_________

Ok, hyperbolic rhetoric aside:

The line is drawn wherever you want it to be drawn. Just don't go around attacking others as "sluts" or what-have-you if their line is different than yours.

"I, for one, alone as I may be in my opinion, cannot imagine punishing anyone for anything, day in and day out, with words and with silence, with glares and with avoidance, with hostile presence and hostile absence, judging, criticising, condemning, reducing the entire world I share with someone into an emotional chamber of horrors -- while doing my best to avoid any honest and open confrontation of the issues."

Yep. You just described my parents' marriage, till they couldn't stand being each other's tormentor/scapegoat anymore and finally separated in their senior years. It is a truly lousy way to live.

If women didn't need money and help with the kids and men could get laid I doubt very many people would put up with it. Fewer women are apparently.

>Just don't expect us to commit to you or respect you. Maybe it's not fair, but life isn't fair. Maybe I'm waaay off but I'm assuming that most women don't want to end up angry, used, loose, single and unrespected.<

One is better off single than hooked up with a judgmental, possessive jerk like yourself and your compatriots, Steve, m'lad. Why would any woman want to put up with a lifetime of purity tests and hateful insecurity? Guys like you are not worth committing to, so your threats and "oh, you'll be lonely without us being magnanimous enough to overlook your slutty past" crap are just as useless.

If, according to the letter writer, the BF is uncomfortable with both MFF and MMF threesomes, well, shoot. That just ain't normal! Real Men(tm) would hardly balk at the pleasures of two women, would they?

Isn't this well established fact and supported by thousands of years of evidence?? (http://www.salon.com/feb97/columnists/paglia970218.html) Ha!

Cary is right; the letter writer has my sympathies; and there's at least one other terrific advice columnist who would sum this up even more succinctly: DTMFA!

LW, you seem incredibly smart and articulate, like you know what you want, who you are, etc. Yet you doubt yourself and your point of view. Why do you care if people think you are a slut/were a slut? And what the hell is so wrong with having done slutty things in the past? I'm sure that the people who are criticizing you are jealous that you had the guts to go out and get what you want without worrying about what other's might think. You say you aren't ashamed of your past but you talk about it in such negative terms. It seems like you've set up a situation where you asked to be judged so that you could justify who you are and what you did. You know that your boyfriend has no right to treat you this way so stop seeking validation and dump his whiny ass!! Find someone who appreciates you. Clearly this guy has an inferiority complex and why would you wanna be with someone like that? I agree with Cary, it's good that you told him because now you know what a weenie he is.