Site Presented By
Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
I love it when the letter writers write letters back to us in the letters section!
I realized that my letter, besides containing typos, forgot to mention that I ended up getting back with my boyfriend later. So, I think my story was a TAD incomplete, and didn't seem quite adequate.
After three years of name calling, late night fights, and agonizing over my past, I broke it off. I was tired and bedraggled. I bought my own house and moved out. I dated other people for a few months, but my ex visited (joint custody of a cat was the primary reason - he cleans the litterbox). Anyhoo, we would occasionally end up in bed together. The fact was that, even though I started to date someone who was much better suited to me, in terms of personality, my ex and I had a special bond, a familiarity... something that I THINK the Japanese call an "en", although I'm not sure that that is the exact right term here. And YOWZA, is he ever good in bed.
Although I had said that I probably wouldn't have another threesome, I ended up having one while we were apart. I didn't plan on telling the ex, but he eventually got it out of me (during some dirty talk). Anyway, after seven months of being broken up, we ended up back together. And although he's not thrilled with my additional threesome activity, he's not freaking out, either. I think his biggest gripe is that he'd really love to try something like that, and I've never had a threesome with someone that I loved deeply - that kind of thing is scary to me in a way that having casual sex with friends isn't.
I'm not saying that things are going to work out for us in the long run, but I know that he is very committed to being a good boyfriend - he's talking marriage (I'm holding back, understandably). He actually HAS changed - I didn't think that people could - and is more attentive, helpful, thoughtful, and understanding (AND he's now a Democrat - so many positive changes). He realizes that my life away from him (before I met him and after we broke up) was not a reflection on him, and that I AM a catch that shouldn't be thrown back. He dated a few women when we were apart, and it finally dawned on him that there aren't that many women like me out there.
So, my advice, modified, is for you to move out. Get your own place, get your own life, and again, don't apologize to him any longer. I understand that he genuinely feels pain, but that is for him to deal with. Tell him that you can see each other, but you're not going to put up with his shenanigans.
I can tell that you are smart and confident enough to realize that your boyfriend should be happy to have you around. Never let that go. Be strong. If he realizes that you're worth it (as mine finally did), then he'll grow up. But don't pin any hopes on it.
Oh, and I can't believe that anyone called you a slut. Serious? I don't even read anything besides the editor's choice letters these days, but WOW.
I'm an insecure little boy. I should not be a victim of discrimination for that.
I felt sorry about your situation. It hit a strange spot for me because a dear friend of mine was recently involved in a threesome, and it has turned me off of him totally, although I haven't told him. We're not involved now, but I think he's interested in getting back together. We've been involved and boken up, but I used to think that maybe we might grow mature enough and realize we have so much together and all that practical stuff. With this new adventure of his my feelings have changed. Yes I feel disappointed. Having said that, I have had a past myself and sometimes think that the new man I have started seeing might think differently of me if he knew. I'll tell him anyway if and when it comes to that.
Some people are so fortunate to have come through life so completely unjaded that they can feel justified in standing in judgemnt on others who have LIVED, made choices, gone with their feelings, and made mistakes. But do you notice that unless they're crazy, people mostly judge things they haven't done. The way I see it is this, if you believe you've made a mistake it means that you regret what you've done, but then you've had time to think about it and live past it. This is now his turn. Maybe he will get over it, maybe he won't. Do you think he is a good person? Don't be a victim, and trust me I know how hard it is to watch someone you truly love - especially when you've LIVED and know the value of true unglamorous,love - slip away for a reason that seems trivial to you. But you have to either give him time to get over it, with patience and maybe some distance between you, or tell him go to hell. He may not be religious (I am not either, and I share the sex being sacred sentiment) but he might relate to the "Cast the first stone" principle that truly prinicipled people- mature people- can relate to.
He has lost an image of you that he had and loved. But you have got to know you are worthy. The important thing is how important is it from a values point of view. Love does not mean instant understanding or forgiveness. If the subject is something you two feel so diffrently about maybe you need to part ways without judging each other.
If you don't believe you've made a mistake, then it doesn't matter that it happened before him, it is part of what defines you. Maybe you two come from opposite ends of the spectrum on sexual values. You have to understand, and from your letter I think you do, that it is a big deal for some people. If we understand that sex is important, then we have to understand that our sexual choices are also important.
You sound fairly young, and as if you have many regrets. Young men who hurt easy and are unforgiving may grow up and become wiser, or they may grow into older men who are cynical and unforgiving.
Much of the initial coverage about Fort Hood turned out to be wrong. Is there anything wrong with that?
The accountability imposed by another country for the CIA's kidnapping and torture reveals much about our own.
Fox News' morning show plays to type, talking about whether Muslims in the Army should face "special debriefings"
The survivor and author is upset about comparisons some on the right are making to genocide
Once seen as a lunatic fringe, reactionary anti-women groups are courting respectability
Salon headlines in your mailbox
