captcrisis: "As I explained in my original letter, I think it has to do with intense jealousy. An average guy would think of it as his fantasy -- and he wasn't there. This is not something to ignore or be condescending or critical about. It is a natural feeling, and feelings often are not logical."

You know, a natural feeling can also be selfish, disrespectful and just plain stupid. Just because you feel this intense jealousy doesn't mean you therefore should be proud of it. Because no matter how common you think it is, it's really childish, and you don't get a pass just by saying there's a "special place a MFF threesome holds in the male fantasy world."

If this isn't a double standard, then all the guys taking the BF's side would have to concede that if you'd had a threesome (which is supposedly your ultimate fantasy), then your girlfriend would be fully justified in saying that you're unworthy of her, and you'd have to agree. Let's just say that seems a bit unlikely, and in any case it would still be small-minded.

....which is to never, ever ask a question to which you don't want to know the answer. I don't think the boyfriend is crazy - I think he couldn't help himself and couldn't set his curiosity aside for the three seconds it would have taken for him to ask himself "Do I REALLY want to know this?". This takes maturity and self-knowledge, which the boyfriend clearly didn't have.

My own example: I had a wonderful boyfriend when I was 25 who I loved and who I know truly loved me. He asked how many partners I'd had and I had roughly four times the number he had (he'd slept with three women). He kept bringing it up and bringing it up, more in a passive aggressive way than anything else. Finally, I turned to him and said in a very serious tone: "I want you to stop bringing this up. If you don't stop bringing this up, I will break up with you. It will kill me because I love you, but I will do it" and said nothing more. It worked - he didn't bring up my sexual past ever again. It was a sticking point for him and he did the math and realized that foisting his insecurity on me wasn't worth losing the relationship.

We broke up for other reasons and I'm presently married to a wonderful man who has never once asked me a detail from my sexual past. We both obey the golden rule on that one!

...are ironically acting exactly like him. He happens to have more conservative sexual values, and by that I mean maybe he belives sex is an expression of love between two lovers, not a care free romp in the sack with three four other people. He just needs to find a woman who shares his values, if he finds he can't past his girlfriend's past behavior. Stop judging him.

Hey,

Cary Tennis is a moron, do don't listen to him. What you need to do is just find a hot girl, have a threesome with the Bf and everything will be cool. He won't feel left out and everyone will have a good time. NICE.

I still want to know why the disgusted, freaked-out boyfriend has not broken up with HER. What's in it for him to continue to live with this tarnished tart? He is either: a)getting off on tormenting and rejecting her or: b)enjoying having his rent and utilities paid by her. Hmmm... I vote she's subsidizing the little wimp!

That last letter by No Name Given, for example. It's not about being bothered or not. It's about the intensity of the hung up feelings, AND the behavior of making her feel like shit for months and months, with no end in sight, short of a break up. Yes, the BF has a right to be bothered, but he has no right whatsoever to make her feel like shit about it. It's fucked up. He needs to go find some virginal church mouse if he wants to be happy.

It's speaks volumes about the guy that he'd rather stay in the relationship and make her feel like shit, than honor his own feelings and leave her and find someone whom he's more compatible with. As I said before, what an immature baby.

Boy am I glad Anonymous posted her "Happiness AFTER Freakout is possible!" letter.

What is with all you people that you can't fathom someone having irrational fears and then having trouble coming to terms with them in some nice neat rational way while you're checking the progress on a stopwatch? Yes, he's being immature, yes, he shouldn't dodge couple's therapy with her, but good Lord, the rest of you should also give this woman some credit for knowing that he is otherwise what she wants and that maybe they CAN work through this.

We don't know the age of the LW & BF, but given that their circle seems to be comprised of just BF's & GF's, and seems to be one where threesomes aren't all that unusual, I'd guess they're pretty young, almost surely in their 20's. Is it a big surprise to anyone out there over, say, 35, that young men are often immature and double-standard laden about the sexual history of their partners? Is it also a shock that some of them have trouble expressing this to their partners and coming to terms with it?

True, the LW's Ideal Man (tm) wouldn't have this issue and may indeed be just waiting in the wings for her, but I'd venture the odds are likely higher that this guy can still be turned around and they could have a better and deeper relationship over time for having gone through this now. Maybe she does need to DTMFA for him to get the message (or, yes, just be free of him if he doesn't), or maybe she just needs to make it clear that this is where it's headed if he doesn't deal with the difficult work of doing couple's therapy with her about it.

Yeah, yeah, he's had six months and gosh he is being something of a baby about it, and sure you could call his behavior manipulative too (or gosh, maybe he's actually genuinely freaked out and is also terribly unhappy about it but so far lacks the tools to correct it), but he has tried individual therapy twice (including with one therapist who sounds really bad), so it's not as if he's denying that it is HIS problem. He is in fact obviously quite clear it is HIS problem. So even if you do end up dumping him, help him with it already. Schedule another couples session, this time working with him on the scheduling and getting him to commit to at least two sessions, and give it one more loving shot.

And if that doesn't work, ok, DTMFA, but for godsakes don't go getting any cats yet if you still hope to find the Ideal Man (tm). If he likes cats, great, you can get them together. In the meantime though, I can't tell you the number of men who find women gushing about their deep love for their cats to be a complete turn-off.