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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
and it revolves around the basic PHYSICAL fact that a woman always knows she's the mother of her child, whereas a man would need to get a DNA test done to be sure..
Those people who are OK with their future wife having gotten it on with two guys, kudos to them, but saying everybody else should feel that way is ridiculous..People are different and will react according to their individual nature..That would be much like telling the LW's boyfriend "You know, you really SHOULD have blue eyes instead of those brown eyes you have.."
Okay, yeah, he's being a jerk about therapy. He's being a jerk about rejecting her and yet not letting her go. He's a jerk to call her names. He should face up to the situation and not let her shift slowly in the breeze. She is not for him and he is not for her. So sad. Move on.
On the other hand, and at the risk of sounding all prudish, give the guy a break. We all have our boundaries. I've never asked my husband if he's ever been in a threesome before we met, because it's none of my business, but if by chance I ever found out the answer was yes I would not be thrilled. Maybe everybody else here is more cosmopolitan than I, but I bet you all you sophisticates have your "issues" too. What if she'd had a three-way with, um, another person and a rather large stallion? With an eight-year-old boy? Where do YOU draw the line? Because we all have a line. Or should.
Give the guy a break. The fact that this bothers him doesn't make him nuts. The fact that he felt compelled to ask the question is what makes him nuts.
Why do you assume that, if there have been about 130 letters written, that the vast majority are men, and that the vast majority were written by different people?
Your logic is off, I'm sorry.
All of you men who relate to the LW's boyfriend are pathetic. If you don't think your sexual skillz are up to par with other men, how about trying to get better? Read some books, buy some toys and rock your girlfriend's world. Fuck her right and anything she did before you will be a distant memory. But that would require you to take responsibility for your damn sex life and genuinely care about your partner's pleasure. Of course, any idiot who's okay with MFF because it fulfills HIS fantasy and not okay with MMF because the extra guy is competition doesn't deserve to ever get laid again.
revolves around the LW's possible future behavior..past behavior often being the best, but obviously not infallible, predictor of this future behavior..You can say it ain't so all you want, but sometimes it is, and the emotional part of the brain is sometimes smarter than your dictums about how people SHOULD behave or feel..
since she can get pregnant w/ another man's child fucking one guy at a time, so it doesn't need to be a threesome at all. Try harder next time.
tracythompson: The point, as a number of other letter writers have said, is not that he's unhappy about a particular thing she did in the past, but that he has been emotionally abusing her for SIX months since finding out. It's that he's so hung up about it that, after six months, he can't let it go. If he can't get over the fact that she had a threesome, that's fine, but it's his issue, and he should break up with her and find someone with less of a history.
I personally would not be all that comfortable with the idea of my boyfriend having had a threesome-- I will admit to having my own insecurities. But I would tell myself that it is in the past, and he's with me now, not with the people he had the threesome with, so I must be doing something right. And if I just couldn't get over it, I'd move on, not torture him.
To me, the continuing problem is the societal insistence that sexual monogamy is our natural state. Or rather, conceding that it is not, it is the view as expressed by Katherine Hepburn's character in "The African Queen": "Nature, Mr. Allnut, is what we are in this world to rise above."
That may be true as to anger and violence, but not lovemaking. Then it's a question of what you are emotionally comfortable with. The automatic condemnation of nonmonogamous sex practices is bigoted and intolerant. The Polynesians were getting along just fine with relaxed sexual practices until we Christianized them out of them (with mixed success).
Let each find his or her bliss. And let those, including lovers who can't handle it, go on their way.
All the posts about the MFF threesome being such a male fantasy amuse me. Guys, I'm here to tell you: it's a two-edged sword. If the women are really into you sexually, then you don't get to watch two women getting it on, not for real. If the two women are really into each other sexually, you may be a bit--or more than a bit--left out. (And, if the threesome is with your SO or wife, then you are possibly opening Pandora's box with her. If you like being with a woman sexually interested in you you REALLY do not want to go there.)
Plus, watching two live women together isn't the same as watching porn. Better in some ways (certainly better for the women) but it's not the same. Real women aren't airbrushed and even occasionally go into funny-looking poses.
I've literally had more threesomes than I can count and it's never a perfect split of attention. Fun, certainly, but it's not the be-all end-all of sexual experience and the aftermath can get very tricky.
At least if she's in a MMF threesome, she's definitely interested in men. This is a good thing for you, guys.
The fact is, this letter and the comments from all of us are about something the LW did BEFORE SHE EVEN KNEW HER BOYFRIEND. How can he be concerned about paternity in that situation? And, if his real problem with the threesome is that he thinks (or you guys think) that it means she is going to be more likely to cheat on him, then that is totally different from the threesome itself. If that is the issue, then the appropriate past behavior to be interested in is whether she cheated on any boyfriends in the past. Having a threesome could be cheating, but it doesn't have to be. For all you know, she had the threesome because it was something she and her then-boyfriend were both into (or, even, she did it because she knew it was a particular fantasy of his) and distrust and the possibility of cheating had nothing to do with it whatsoever.
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