Let's be serious here. The BF may be something of a jerk, but his concerns are not "nuts." You just can't disconnect sex and morality, although any two people may disagree over where to draw the line.

MCBRIE- I agree with you, whether a threesome is immoral or not is a personal decision. But the fact the the boyfriend doesn't like threesomes isn't really the problem. It's that he's been upset about it for 6 months, it's effected their relationship in every way, and he refuses to do anything about it. I think that's an overreaction in this day and age, personally. If he doesn't, he needs to break up with her and let them both get on with their lives. It's nuts to continue the relationship as it is, and it's nuts for her to think that they're ever going to get past this.

Tom 70 wrote:

"Add one more

"Here's one more man who wouldn't give a damn if my girlfriend had been in a threesome before. Either MMF or MFF. Honestly. In fact, assuming she did it willfully, I'd admire her for taking responsibility for her own sexuality and for not just doing what the small-minded posters here would have her do."

Well, good, that makes 2 who ACTUALLY say they would handle it differently from BF if it happened to them. (Out of maybe 100 letter writers.)

"What I haven't heard is WHY so many of these guys would have a problem the situation. What would bother you about the fact that your girl had a threesome in her past?"

As I explained in my original letter, I think it has to do with intense jealousy. An average guy would think of it as his fantasy -- and he wasn't there.

This is not something to ignore or be condescending or critical about. It is a natural feeling, and feelings often are not logical. Hearing about the threesome she was in is far different from hearing that she simply had previous lovers (which is why it has nothing to do with her being a "slut").

It is also not a double standard. Most women probably couldn't handle it very well either if their man started talking about the man's past lovers. Admittedly it's not exactly the same, but that's only because of the special place a MFF threesome holds in the male fantasy world. Again, it's remarkable that few, if any, letter writers admit that this is a special situation.

What's even funnier is the amount of them who are so bold about it..."Waaaaa waaaaaa my wife slept with two men at one time before she even knew me...but if she wants to have a threeway with me and another woman now, that's a different story waaaaaa waaaaaaaaaa..."

Nauseating. Well, I've got news for you men out there who hold this attitude - the line to kiss our asses forms to the right. We have birth control now. YOU no longer control us and our choices.

I sent something similar to Tennis a year or two ago. Maybe this is a composite? I doubt it - freaks me out to think that other women have to deal with this.

OK, so as to the nuts thing: who can say? What LW's boyfriend is is INCREDIBLY insecure. We're talking, like, unbelievably insecure. How do I know? Because I'm dating LW's boyfriend's clone. My boyfriend had many, many fewer past sex partners than I did when we met (although you never would have known - he lied about it), and he couldn't STAND the idea that I had had sex with more than one person at a time. He had the same symptoms: the nausea, the anger, the ability to shriek at me but not to talk to a therapist. And it was ALL about insecurity. It didn't matter to him that he was the best I ever had - it mattered that he didn't feel that he could "match" me.

I went through three years of hell over a threesome that I had had ages before I met my boyfriend. Name calling, screaming fits, days of the silent treatment. Passive aggressive behavior, public humiliation.

He will not get over it. Get out. Move on. There are better guys out there.

AND.

DO NOT APOLOGIZE for your past. Unless you murdered kittens or have serious hurt people, do not let someone else make you regret what you have done. Threesomes can be a blast, and they are nothing to apologize for.

The one more Strange and Funny thing I forgot to mention--is my excellent husband and I got together in a threesome in College! Isn't that funny? So I knew and he knew he was being crazy to be so jealous of my past--but that did not help. ONLY TIME and Patience, and tons of forgiveness of each other fixed that aspect--but I know for sure that irrational in one area does not make the person totally nuts--love is complicated and I had many relationships and this one is THE ONLY ONE I really, fully treasured in every way--so I was determined not to let this absurd irrational aspect destroy something AWESOME. My friends thought I was nuts to deal with him at the time, but they also knew he was VERY SPECIAL, so life is not perfect...and I think it is NOT EASY to find a true love--so you need to work on it if you have found it. GOOD LUCK!

Hey Dr. Tennis, if she is "dumb for telling", maybe, just maybe the guy isn't so "crazy"?

I second the question asked by Tom70: men, can you explain why it would bother you to find out about a threesome in your partner's past? I ask because, based on the men I have known, a threesome seems to be high on the list of male fantasies, so if past behavior is an indicator of future behavior, this knowledge about your girlfriend would mean you might have a chance of being involved in a threesome in the future.

My second question is, again to the men, why does it matter if it's a MMF or MFF threesome? From where I sit, it seems like the salient difference is that, for a heterosexual man, a MFF threesome would be all about his pleasure-- in seeing two women together and in being with two women. But, for a heterosexual male, a MMF threesome would be about the woman's pleasure-- I've never met a hetero guy who has talked about getting pleasure from the idea of a MMF threesome.

The whole bit about not being sure if you're the father of your kids if your partner was once involved in a MMF threesome is not relevant here. Obviously, if the threesome happened before you knew the woman, it would not be possible for any kids she had to be yours. And, if she's having threesomes with you, presumably you'd know that she was using protection. And, if she's having threesomes without you, behind your back, then that's called cheating, and it's a different issue.