I'm seconding Cary's advice. The LW's boyfriend is an immature jerk. Life's too short to wait and see if he'll ever grow up. I doubt he will. Most likely, if LW stays with him he'll lord it over her forever. There are lots of wonderful people in this world, and she deserves to be with someone better. And to the guys who are writing letters defending the LW's boyfriend, you guys are at least as bad as he is. What a bunch of babies.

Here's one more man who wouldn't give a damn if my girlfriend had been in a threesome before. Either MMF or MFF. Honestly. In fact, assuming she did it willfully, I'd admire her for taking responsibility for her own sexuality and for not just doing what the small-minded posters here would have her do.

What I haven't heard is WHY so many of these guys would have a problem the situation. What would bother you about the fact that your girl had a threesome in her past? Saying "every guy would feel that way," in addition to being false, isn't an explanation. Also, why would you assume that simply having been involved in a threesome makes her a "slut?" And what else is on your prohibited list? What if she'd had anal sex? What if she'd used sex toys or done a lot of role-playing? I have news for you guys: All these things are normal, healthy sexual behavior, whether you're made squeamish by them or not. This ain't like bestiality or "gangbanging," which actually are, by most human standards, deviant.

Women, rest assured that I'm not exceptional. There are plenty of guys out there who recognize that female sexuality is a great thing and who don't feel the need to dominate you or make you fit into their controlling little box, even if there aren't that many of us writing letters to Salon this afternoon.

Why don't you offer him the opportunity of a threesome? Perhaps he just feels left out.

I agree with those who think the "boyfriend" has basically destroyed the relationship, by projecting his own fears and shortcomings onto the letter writer.

It's certainly admirable that she wants to try everything she can to save the relationship, but it sounds like she's already done everything she can. She should grieve the loss, but ultimately it's good that she learned about his "true colors" before a marriage and children. I also agree with the writer who suggested that our BF probably has other "issues" that would eventually surface. Send him packing, girlfriend, and hold your head high. You did nothing wrong.

pseudo-intellectual normative statements about what he/she should or shouldn't do or feel..

I'd say that a good portion of men's brains would start going into overdrive if they heard about their possible future wife having had a MMF threesome...All related on a primal, emotional level to the question "Can I be sure I'll really be raising my own kids?"

A FFM threesome on the other hand....I can't speak for the letter writer, but if my wife brought home one of her gorgeous friends that would be quite alright with me.

And is she being chased by a guy named Holden?

I am 48, and my boyfriend is 46. I have been married and divorced three times and my "number" is probably triple-digit, while his only sexual partners were a girlfriend in high school and his ex-wife. However, he never says anything about what I may have done in the past, other than ridicule my ex-husbands occasionally. We are too concerned with what is going on in our lives now, such as taking care of the house, our careers, and trying to raise two daughters.

Back in the seventies, I got involved in the "swingers" culture: attended a club and put an ad in a magazine. I got a number of responses to the ad and kept the letters and pictures for my own amusement. More than 10 years later, my second husband found them and acted like I had run the ad the previous week instead of a decade prior.

My advice to the LW is to stop apologizing, grab the kitties, and get away from that loser. You don't need therapy, you need to boost your self-esteem.

They guy is looney. So looney, in fact, that if he does agree to really DO therapy his therapist is going to come out of it will full tuition for all the kids in his or her family for the next 3 generations.

THAT looney.

Goodness. I understand a significant other being a bit perturbed by the specter of an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend who continues to haunt with encouragement from their partner. That goes the heart of trust issues. And trust issues are bad for a relationship.

But a threesome? REALLY? I mean, what are you battling there? What's the fear? What's the concern?

"OMG once my girlfriend got hammered and got it on with two people at the same time! My life with her is over! I must punish her with nitpicking and blame and derision for her entirely innocuous action that happened in the past, has no relevance to my life."

Yeah. There's a HUGE disconnect there, and the only thing the CAN connect it is a huge pile of weird twisty neurosis.

Hence the therapist. I mean, would anyone put up with a partner who destroyed their relationship after having found their partner, in the '80s, wore shoes with velcro? One could argue "But I find velcro SO offensive, that now every time I see my woman I picture her adjusting those nosiy and horrible little straps as she put on her shoes, and all the lint and detritus that gets caught in their grubby plasticene claws, and I'm just repulsed and driven to madness, and have no outlet but to make her feel bad. I cannot forgive her for her velcroed past."

And yeah. That would be your hangup.

But it's still ridiculous and looney, and still would suggest that therapy might be a good idea.

And would still translate into "RUN!" for your partner.

And so it goes with threesomes.