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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
She's already in trouble; his reaction has led her to conclude that her she has something to be ashamed of in the first place.
She should leave him right away, and find someone respectful, stable, and open-minded.
I don't think the boyfriend is nuts, although he probably feels that way right around now. Threesomes are, by a lot of folks' standards, pretty weird. And as long as those standards are applied across the board (you, me, men, women), they are not double standards.
Now maybe it would be really nice if the BF were relaxed about this. But clearly, he isn't. Also, if it bothers him this much it probably touches a nerve that isn't going to get soothed by six months of therapy.
So, yes-- call things off and look elsewhere. Do what you need to do.
But don't knock this guy for thinking that weird stuff is weird.
None of Alex's references to third wave feminism change that fact that his standards of right and wrong are completely wrapped up in his own insecurity. Basically, he can't handle the fact that a woman may have enjoyed a threesome with two other guys. That is entirely his problem.
Ok, Light, I'm insecure. What's your point? Maybe if you'd step out of your ideal little feminist world into the real world, you'd realize that is that this is something that would understandably make a lot of guys insecure. The fact that you can't realize that is your problem. The only things I see on here are typical pre-packaged feminist responses that refuse to acknowledge the complexity of the feelings involved here.
I am not going to debate your points about threesomes being right or wrong; you are certainly entitled to your opinion either way. If opposing it makes you happy, so be it. But i think you are missing the point. The problem is not her past behavior, but his current approach.
If her having a threesome in the past is so bad, why doesn't he leave her? He is totally in the right making her past is a dealbreaker (as it seems to be because of his behavior towards her since) but if he does, he should leave. It is not up to him to punish her for the rest of her life. Cary, you are right, she should leave him, if for no other reason, because he is too weak to do so himself.
Also, remember that by the end of Chasing Amy, Holden realizes that he made a mistake.
Why would a MFF threesome have been better, or not as bad, as a MMF one? One is less "slutty" than the other?
I'm not saying it would have been better, but it probably would have bothered the BF a lot less, since guys don't view other girls as competition.
I agree with you. But if you look at the other comments on here and Cary's response, they are not only telling her to leave him, but also taking her side and attacking him, simply for having the same reaction that most normal guys would.
I think rather that he could have at least gotten off on the idea of the MFF one. It's all speculation anyway...but it showcases the complete irrationality of it all.
Exactly. And people who keep trying to apply rational and idealistic standards to it and refusing to acknowledge the emotional side of it will continue to be disappointed in the same way that LW now is.
ok, some men feel insecure thinking of their women boinking two guys at the same time. i guess some men think that's normal, to feel insecure. but if i turn the tables and think of my SO (male) going at it with two women (in the past), it doesn't bother me at all. not any more than thinking of him boinking any of his exes alone.
i mean, i don't especially like it that he's had sex with other women, but i don't dislike it, either. i just don't think about it, and enjoy the fact that he's having it with me now.
so, yeah, i agree the guy is nuts or weird.
the lw has NOTHING to be ashamed of. just because someone enjoys sex, and has a sense of adventure, playfulness, and experimentation, does not mean that they are messed up attention seekers. sometimes they're just horny, or just really, really like men. sometimes they have a gift they want to share. and there is nothing wrong with that.
a man who can't accept that you're well-seasoned sexually is a man who doesn't accept you for who you are. and acceptance of your partner as she or he is is the number one requirement in marriage. he flunked. go find someone who appreciates all you have to offer.
Just because the writer's boyfriend's fears may be irrational, it doesn't automatically mean that his feelings can be easily dismissed or invalidated. As others have written, this is an issue with some treatment in literature and film. So the BF's reaction is somewhat socialized. It's not that different than a similar reaction to finding out that your significant other cheated in their past. It is a situation that would trouble many people, even though the past behavior is no perfect indicator of a who a person is or their future behavior.
This relationship is over. But no one should tar either party.
First, you should know I am a guy. And as a guy, I totally reject your argument that men are entitled to primadonnaish sexual immaturity. Some guys are rational and open-minded. She should fine one.
His asking you if you'd ever had a threesome was a test, a secret test all his own. You flunked it. My guess is he has the world divided up into acceptable women (they've had sex) and unacceptable women (they've had weird sex). He can't get over it; he's probably even afraid you'll do it again one of these days, and that is that. It's more than obvious you need to get rid of him. The only question remaining is why he hasn't gotten rid of you, since you're such a big F.Are you paying the lion's share of the rent or something?
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