I'm not sure how much morals have changed. A good friend of mine is a few years younger than you (63) and has been in quite a few threesomes. Given opportunity, I'm sure he'll do it again.

If it's not your thing and you'd rather not date someone who's gone there, that's your choice. But saying that this is an indication of how mores have changed... well, to support that, you'd need to be a lot older than you are. Or did things change so much in 6 years?

Anonymous wrote:

"Captcrisis:

I wrote the previous note and have not been in an MFF three-way.

Any other false little hurdles you want to throw in the way?"

...

No, I just pointed out that whether you yourself had been in a MFF threesome was quite a critical fact (hardly a "false hurdle") and now you've filled it in. I assume you are being truthful and not lying for the sake of posturing.

As I said before, you are very fortunate. We can't control what turns us on (or off) or what obsesses us. It is good that you are not bothered by such a revelation.

There are some remarkable things about this article.

1. The sheer number of letters it has generated in such a short time.

2. The percentage that go on and on about males being bothered by female's sexual histories and NOT dealing with the actual situation described. This makes me think that a lot of what Freud called "reaction formation" is going on.

2. The lack of any assertion (apart from yours) from males who say that they are actually different from the BF here, i.e., that they would NOT have been bothered by this situation described.

If he can't accept your past and refuses to forgive you, you're better off without him. Don't regret being honest! You're lucky he showed his true colors before you got married. Some other thing would have set him off even if he never found out about that particular incident.

Break it off now, and count yourself fortunate that lawyers and children are not involved.

First, I'm beginning to think the Romans maybe were on to something, except the part about women not exactly being in total control of their sexual choices. I say, let's go back to Roman times but this time we give both genders the same amount of autonomy LOL.

Second, and please read carefully, those of you who are so hung up on the sex part: THE GUY IS NOT NUTS BECAUSE OF HIS INITIAL REACTION TO THE SEX. HE IS NUTS BECAUSE HE HAS BEEN PUNISHING HER FOR SIX (!!!!!!!!!!) MONTHS AND REFUSES TO MAKE IT BETTER OR TO GET HELP.

Sorry people, but IMO the sex part has very little to do with this problem. The problem is the guy's refusal to work on it. All this talk about sex is secondary, frankly.

Or at the very least, a perv defender.

I don't know if the guy is nuts, it may be that he is just young and inexperienced, as others have pointed out, and so has no context, no life to fall back on, to deal with his insecurity. or maybe he really is deeply bothered by it. The LW should get out, keep the cats. Hell, it's too soon to be even be living together, for cripesakes. What's up with you young-uns, you seem in such a hurry to couple up?

Some element of curiosity about a partner's past is natural, I think, but when someone starts asking for details and numbers, that's usually a bad sign. On the part of the person asking.

Feel free to slut it up. Sleep around as much as you want with whomever you want. That's all fine by me. Just don't expect us to commit to you or respect you. Maybe it's not fair, but life isn't fair. Maybe I'm waaay off but I'm assuming that most women don't want to end up angry, used, loose, single and unrespected.

Cut this guy some slack, it's not easy dealing with an ex-slut for a girlfriend. I hope her threesome was worth ruining her fullfiling relationship.

Biiiiiiig difference between one threesome and "an orgy phase." Really bad analogy. The girl did something ONCE. She's not an addict.

It's not the fact that the BF doesn't like threesomes that makes him a jerk. It's his systematic devaluation of his GF. Rather than keeping her around and treating her badly if he has a problem with her "morality," he should just be straight with her that he'll never be able to see her the same way again and let her go. Stop sadistically stringing her along and punishing her for being a whore (his opinion, not mine). THAT's the jerk part.

We've all done things that have caused us feelings of guilt, shame, or, in some cases, just experimental curiosity. When we're in a committed relationship, we don't have to reveal everything we've done, but some information becomes relevant to our partners so that they can put things in perspective and understand where the other person is coming from.

As someone who's in her 50's, I'm rather surprised when meeting someone in the same age range who hasn't "done some stuff" (or claims not to have). The point really is whether it's stuff one has moved past, should have moved past, and/or incorporated into one's present-day values. For example, if I dabbled in something that was considered not exactly legal thirty years ago but have long since given up, it doesn't make me a hypocrite to be blatantly anti-illicit substance with my children. It's a part of my history, and I may choose to reveal that to an adult partner, who, having lived through the same era, could probably be able to relate to it.

The issue, of course, is acceptance by one's partner. The LW's BF could have had a reaction something like, "Wow, what a mindblower. I never figured. But that's in her past, and it's something that brought her to cherishing a one-to-one committed relationship, especially with me." But there's something about the act itself that he cannot come to terms with.

While that's sad, it's also an indication that there may be OTHER things in the LW's past that he would not be able to accept--who knows? If his image of her is one of not having a history, not having experimented at all, not curious about life, and not having developed her philosophy and values from such experiences, then maybe he can only deal with a person who's a tabula rasa--and, surprise, surprise, no such person exists.

The LW should overcome her sadness (understandable though it is) and move on to find someone who's more accepting. She need not reveal specific experiences, but feel that her partner would not reject her if such a thing were revealed, spontaneously, intentionally, or not. There's no point in trying to drag someone through therapy and so on if he's simply incapable of accepting a certain history. It doesn't really make him nuts; it's just a compendium of his own experiences and values that are not compatible with hers. She shouldn't spend more time with someone who tries to make her feel bad about herself and a history that she can't change, even if she wanted to--which, of course, she may not.

LW should move on, appreciate herself for who she is and what she's become, and find someone who can feel about her likewise. Don't try to wring love and acceptance out of someone who simply can't give them.