The writer is so blase about her menage a trois. She gives no indication that she wouldn't do something similar in the future. It sounds like she has no superego on sexual matters at all, and she says her boyfriend should get therapy and get over it.

Her boyfriend sounds like someone who had some moral upbringing (apparently an increasingly rare situation).

What really is bizarre to me (a 69 year old male) is the number of responders who agree with the writer.

And that is the bottom line. Whether you think, like Alex, that anyone who disagrees with the boyfriend is just a "typical angry feminist," or whether you think that anyone who has ever had a threesome is a totally irresponsible slut, or whether you think that everyone should always be able to do what they want sexually with no repercussions... the fact is, this guy is being irrationally insecure because this woman's exploit is in the PAST. She is with him, NOW. I cannot stand it when people get upset about their partners' pasts. It's not like it can be undone, and all adults have pasts, unless they are truly virgins. If you love someone, and they are with you monogamously (or at whatever priority level the two of you have worked out), then for pete's sake let go of whatever they've done before! And yes, I do believe there is a double standard with the whole "stud vs. slut" thing, but that is nearly beside the point here. I agree with the posters who said this guy had a "secret test," and she flunked it. Those kinds of tests are never fair, and he certainly has no right to lord it over her for the rest of her life, and make her feel ashamed of something she had previoiusly reconciled herself with. She needs to go find a boyfriend who's a bit more open-minded when it comes to his partner's sexuality.

Anonymous wrote:

"To Captcrisis

I haven't seen ONE letter writer saying, "I'm a male and it would have been O.K. with me if my wife/girlfriend had been in a MFF threesome." - captcrisis

I'm a male and it would have been O.K. with me if my wife had been in a MFF threesome. In fact, she was. And an MMF threesome. And she did all kinds of other stuff, some of which I've also done, some of which I haven't. Never bothered me."

...

It is fortunate that it never bothered you (although it should be self-evident from my letter that my point applies only if the male had NOT been in a MFF threesome, something which you avoid addressing).

Still, that makes one male out of -- what -- 100 letters by now, mostly from men?

The writer is so blase about her menage a trois. She gives no indication that she wouldn't do something similar in the future. It sounds like she has no superego on sexual matters at all, and she says her boyfriend should get therapy and get over it.

What, i'm wondering, is so inherently immoral about a threesome? You don't know whether she has a superego on sexual matters. It's very possible that she used protection during her threesome, and with other sexual encounters.

Her boyfriend sounds like someone who had some moral upbringing (apparently an increasingly rare situation).

What really is bizarre to me (a 69 year old male) is the number of responders who agree with the writer.

And, conversely, what is so MORAL about what the boyfriend is doing, becoming a vindictive, critical, manipulative asshole who's trying to bring his girlfriend down and make her feel bad? What is so moral about that?

Eagerly awaiting your response.

My girlfriend had previously been in an ninesome. Her and 8 guys, who drew straws to see what order they would go in.....Now, finding this kind of thing out would have pissed me off to the point of dissolving the relationship.... if I hadn't been one of the eight, leastways.

Since the GF can't undo the past, the only logical solution is acceptance on the part of the BF or, if that's not possible, the dissolution of the relationship.

BTW: if Alex really is a grad student, I'd suggest that this is just more proof that there are far too many grad students working for over-inflated degrees that bring little to the table - it doesn't take secondary education to see that the past is the past and either deal with it or move on...

I wrote the previous note and have not been in an MFF three-way.

Any other false little hurdles you want to throw in the way?

"My girlfriend had previously been in an ninesome. Her and 8 guys, who drew straws to see what order they would go in.....Now, finding this kind of thing out would have pissed me off to the point of dissolving the relationship.... if I hadn't been one of the eight, leastways."

Your philosophy intrigues me and I'd like to subscribe to your newsletter.

Reading Cary's response and the editor's pick letters I can't help but think "so this is why so many people ignore their economic interests to vote Republican."

Let's be serious here. The BF may be something of a jerk, but his concerns are not "nuts." You just can't disconnect sex and morality, although any two people may disagree over where to draw the line. As an example, let's reverse the scenario. Suppose during a conversation, her BF told her that he went through a big orgy phase, which he had enjoyed. Throw in the he relished stranger sex, or bondage, etc. I can guarantee you that this admission would freak most women out. Reasonably so, because it would reveal something about the BF's sexual values and his inability to exercise anything resembling sexual restraint, a quality necessary if there is to be trust and fidelity in a relationship (especially once marriage and kids enter the picture). The fact that this might have been in "the past" is irrelevant, since past behavior is often our only clue toward future behavior.

The threesome example is very similar if milder. This may be a pretty common experience these days in ceratin parts of the country. And there may be many potential BFs who would take this as an isolated incident and move on. But lots of reasonable people would find this a disturbing behavior that suggested an overly casual attitude toward sex, one that showed little respect for monogamous norms.