Everyone who thinks that this is something that would make "a lot of guys" insecure makes me think that I have lived a charmed life. I am bisexual, been married, was in my first threesome when I was 20, lived a poly lifestyle for almost 10 years... and have since decided that in my late 30s I am done with all that and am now settled down with my to-be second spouse.

Perhaps I chose well in that the men and women I've been with have been mature adults, often older than me, with enough adventure under their belts that we can understand each other. My fiancee and I don't dwell on our pasts, but we know we have them--she's also got a varied sexual resume. Generally speaking, my sex life has not been a source of concern to my partners.

A partner's sexual experience can be an advantage if you're secure in yourself. As a boyfriend of mine once observed, he thought it was great that I'd experimented because I'd had a chance to get some things out of my system. And you know, he was right. I've done most things that appeal to me so I don't have to wonder what I'm missing when I choose to put more energy into other parts of my life.

not in the upset about the threesome, but about having this irrational illogical feelings of jealousy that eat him up inside. I feel the same whenever I think too deeply about my boyfriend and his ex gf... when she texts him if we're together it has the ability to send me into a pit of despair curled up in the corner for hours on end. I know they're just being civil, I know he wouldn't meet up with her unless it was a short and purposeful meeting and I'm confident that he's 100% over her, we're amazing together. it's just a few friendly texts. But still it makes me feel like something terrible has happened and for days I'm upset.

Anyway the point is, I know my feelings shouldn't be happening. Jealousy is normal, but my bf cannot help his past and I can't punish him emotionally for being civil to his ex girlfriend. The LW's bf needs to grow up, stop hurting her for something she cannot change and try dealing with it if he wants the relationship to be happy, however he does it. My solution has been to say look I don't wanna hear about any of the texts she sends or if you're being friendly, just let me know if you're gona meet up or something (his attempt at helping me cope was making everything they said to each other transparent so I could see there's nothing going on, showing me texts etc. But it wasn't the possibility of something happening or imagining something happening that ate me up, it was what I knew to be true) and keep reminding myself when I start to get down about how it's all pretty insignificant now we're together.

It sounds like this guy needs to grow up a lot. I mean, initial shock and stuff yeah we can't help how we feel, but 6 months down the line? Why is this couple still together? He needs to find someone with no history and she needs to find someone mature enough to handle the fact she had a past.

Wow, I haven't read all of the letters yet, but I loved reading Cary's advice on this one. It is bold, solid, simple and spectacular advice. Take it. (BTW Cary, what's up? You seem to be so assertive and to-the-point lately! I LOVE it!)

Anyway, the whole thing about only agreeing to go to the therapist once is a sure sign that you should get out. Actually, I think that's worse than his bad reaction to you having a threesome in your past. We've all overblown stuff and reacted badly to things we've had to deal with. But I think the real issue here is your boyfriend's refusal to go back into therapy to work on why he feels this way. Be glad that you did not marry and then realize that you're married to someone who reacts this way to problems.

A friend once said this to me when talking about a mutual friend of ours who had some issues and refused to go back to his therapist after two sessions: "That would be like me saying I'm not going back to the gym because after two workouts, I'm not a size 6 yet." Therapy is not a quick fix - and it can be very painful. Sorry to be so blunt here, but you simply do not mean enough to him to make him want to do the hard work so that the two of you can move on and have a healthy relationship. He wants to put this whole problem on you and have you shoulder the blame, and not take any responsibility for the way he's reacting. $100 says that he expected the therapist to validate his feelings and agree that you are the one who is in the wrong, and the problem is all yours. Once he realized that that's not what therapy is about, he bailed. That's a bad sign. I wish you luck.

JM

The BF sounds like an emotionally manipulative ass and the LW should thank her lucky stars that this brought that side of him to light before she was even more committed to him and their entanglement even harder to escape. He feels threatened by her past, and feels the need to drag her down to his level by "picking" at her. Jerk!

If it wasn't this revelation, then it would have been something else eventually. Maybe she gets a promotion and a raise and he suddenly makes less than her and his ego is bruised. Or perhaps she shines to brightly in front of his friends some evening out and he feels jealous of the attention she is stealing from him. Whatever. This sort of behavior doesn't just start from nothing - it was there just waiting for the right moment to show itself.

Contrary to popular belief, a relationship does not require lots of hard work to make things work. Maybe down the road - after years together and several kids and new jobs and new responsibilities and the all of the dynamics in the relationship have changed - then adjustments might need to be made. But don't trade what should be an effortless and enjoyable time together for the half-assed comfort of not making waves in a less than ideal relationship with someone who has demonstrated that your past has more to do with his "here-and-now" than your "here-and now" has to do with your present togetherness.

I too, had a past, and out of fear for what she may have heard through the grapevine, confessed my transgressions to my wife early on in our relationship. I thought it was going to be a big deal - prepared for the worst - she simply shrugged and said, "eh. Everyone has a past."

That is the proper and adult response. Don't settle for less, allowing the BF his hurt feelings just to save a dying togetherness - Therapy at this point?!? - Forget it - it shouldn't be that much work. Suck it up and dump the schmuck. You deserve better. Demand it! Yes, breakups are messy. But in the long run you will be happier moving on if he won't.