What I have done previously is none of her concern.

LeCastor

What I have done previously is none of her concern.

-- Wes

LOL! Women must love you.

In the words of Bruno, "do you think consistency is important?"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=16lkQ0BkZoo

I elevate above your insults and your neandrathal notions of equality.

Wes is just toyin' with ya. Don't take him seriously.

Me: Such a disclosure would mess ME (a male) up too. It would mess YOU up too (all you males). I'd like to see you deny it. Now tell me how you would try to deal with it. Well -- ?

LeCastor: why are you people always looking to speak for everyone? You're not okay with just your own judgment -- "it would mess me up." You need impute the rest of males too, to speak for all of them. What if you're in the minority (i.e. it wouldn't mess up most men)? Do you suddenly doubt your own views?

...

I haven't seen ONE letter writer saying, "I'm a male and it would have been O.K. with me if my wife/girlfriend had been in a MFF threesome."

That is the only issue in LW's letter to Cary and, except for me and two or three others, not one single letter writer has addressed it.

The LW needs to view this situation as a gift. The hardest part of marriage is how you and your spouse deal with the difficult situations life throws at you. It's easy to be in love when everything's going well, but people, emotions, & reactions can vary wildly when things go awry. Most of us aren't tested when we're dating, it's years later when there's kids, a mortgage or other issues that you're responsible for. The LW and her potential spouse (she said they talked about marriage) know now how he handles problems. In this case, a small problem (whether a threesome is morally ethical or not is irrelevant). If he's willing to give up on the relationship because of this issue, he's not husband material. And no, he won't change and be more committed when you're married. He'll be a pain in the ass when you're married. Sorry, but at least you know now and can move on.

I haven't seen ONE letter writer saying, "I'm a male and it would have been O.K. with me if my wife/girlfriend had been in a MFF threesome." - captcrisis

I'm a male and it would have been O.K. with me if my wife had been in a MFF threesome. In fact, she was. And an MMF threesome. And she did all kinds of other stuff, some of which I've also done, some of which I haven't. Never bothered me.

Why would I care if she had or hadn't? All I cared about was whether she was healthy (did we need to take extra precautions?) and whether was she historically faithful to her partners? (She was).

Your jealousy of a partner's history is a symptom of a world that thankfully, is fading away.

I answer anonymously only because this is my wife's history, not mine that we're discussing and I haven't cleared it with her to share.

Under pressure I will adjust my outlook on this topic...........I can accept anything from my girlfriend's past EXCEPT sleeping with a conservative man. The thought of some Hannity wannabe or some Reagan or Bush worshiper...........well, it's just disgusting.

Speaking as a male, albeit an old gay one, who has listened to the tales of woe, sometimes tearful, told by young hetero males, this kind of controlling, immature, and insecure behavior on the part of the BF is fairly typical. Hetero males in particular have a real double standard where their sex lives are concerned: whatever they do is OK, but their GFs have to conform to a rigid madonna-like standard of eternal virginity up to the time she gave him a BJ. I would dare suggest that this sense of ownership may even be hardwired into the male brain, particularly small ones.

Enlightenment about our sexual selves and the range of human sexual behavior, let alone fantasy, is rare even among well educated, sophisticated, metrosexuals. I am constantly amazed when talking to young males how narrow their concepts are even when they are subjected to endless pop culture and music videos depicting orgies, bisexuality, and for the fantasies of most males, lesbian sex. Plus they think about sex constantly, size up every female they come in contact with even if they are too insecure to do anything about it. Probably the most common male sexual fantasy, especially late teenagers and early 20s, is to be in a threesome, foursome, etc. with females. In this situation we don't know if BF ever had such an experience, or even fantasized about one, but it doesn't sound likely. GF didn't indicate the nature of her threesome, not that it matters (to me).

A young friend, claiming to be 200% hetero, has told me of his mental anguish at learning, at the very beginning of their relationship, that his essentially first girlfriend of any significance, had had five previous sexual relationships. He was 22 at the time (he's 25 now). They are still together, and may get married, but she is not only experienced, but quite liberated. He wasn't, and to some extent still isn't, although she has expanded his horizons far beyond anything he had ever allowed himself to even fantasize about. I kept telling him he should be grateful for what she has done for him, but his hangup is the thought of those other five guys possibly showing up on their doorstep, presumably not all at once, and reclaiming her body thus leaving my young friend out in the cold. I realize his attitudes are particularly immature, and he has performance anxiety because of a small penis (in his mind), but his attitudes are not uncommon. These are weighty matters for young males, and the official puritanism that still infects sexuality in this country makes it worse.

At its root cause in, BF in this case isn't so much concerned about the morality of the threeway as he is about having his sexual prowess, or lack thereof, compared to that of the other males in the GF's past, and that GF has stepped beyond the line of his concept of appropriate sexual behavior. He may also be concerned about the size of his penis (very common), and his ego apparently needs the stroking coming (pun intended) from having satisfied HIS, and only HIS woman, assuming he has. Of course he may be so far gone that he thinks women shouldn't express any sexual pleasure at all, or be an active participant, but the letter doesn't give us any information. However, that too would be consistent with the attitudes this poor guy has manifested. It seems that this female is far more liberated than the BF, and should reevaluate her interest in him before making a further move towards permanancy, let alone pregnancy.

The pain of breaking up now is nothing compared to the hatred and complications that occur down the road if this guy can't get over his hangups, and tries to hold HIS WOMAN to a standard she doesn't agree with, and doesn't want. What's to say BF doesn't, or hasn't, tried to control every aspect of her life, and make her a virtual prisoner to his dictates. it happens.