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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
I have never responded directly to another poster before, but Alex, you may think that the fact that you're a graduate student means you're open minded and progressive, but you sound way more closed-minded than anyone I have ever met.
You've decided, without anywhere near enough information, that the LW is a "slut", has low self- esteem, that you know enough of her boyfriend's mental state to know that she must have slept with a large number of men and that her threesome was MMF, that most "normal" guys would react the same way, that she's ashamed of her past in her own right (rather than under the influence of his belittling), etc.
The fact that you use the term slut shows that you have some antiquated ideas about men and women. The fact that you consider her having had a healthy number of sex partners (which is an assumption-- for all we know she has had four and her boyfriend has only had two and that's why he's freaking out) a problem shows that you are nowhere near enlightened. The fact that you equate active female sexuality with low self-esteem does make you a misogynist.
The LW said that she was fine with her past, until this guy started belittling her for it. She has been the victim of emotional abuse for the past six months, and then you, brilliant, enlightened graduate student, come here and belittle her some more. Don't try to hide behind the fact that you're well-educated and well-read: you're a misogynist pig.
Therapy over finding out about a threesome when he ASKED?
All sex is sacred except other people's sex, I guess. Sacred when boyfriend is getting it.
Sorry, LW, but looks like it's over. And not because you had a threesome; your revelation just quickened the dying of this particular relationship. Living in a conservative and fairly religious state, I'm fairly certain that most guys I know would respond as your BF did. It takes a long, long time for social mores to make it here, and that sort of experimentation just wouldn't fly yet. I guess we're in the baby bird stages of getting past sexual double standards. So, I don't think your BF is nuts, just awfully judgmental. You're the same person you were when he met you, and you can't undo anything in your past no matter how badly you or he wants you to. For whatever reason, he's hung up on this and he's not willing to get over it. Time for you to move on.
That being said, I think you've overestimated this relationship for a while. You claim that because of it, you are happier and more confident, yet in you also say that you've been worried from the start that he would find out something about your past that would cause him to reject you. If you can't be who you are with your partner, what kind of life would you be building together? Certainly not one that you would find fulfilling in the long run.
Perhaps give him one more chance. Tell him you love him, but he either has to find the maturity to get over your sexual history or you're leaving. Quit groveling and apologizing and do it now. Don't wait. You can always find a new apartment and get yourself a kitten or two for Christmas.
I agree with farafield, this disclosure was just an outlet for BF's jerkiness.
It would have been something else: LW isn't "nice enough" to Mom, LW is "too friendly" to Uncle Bob, she drank too much at Cousin Patti's wedding, clothing is "too slutty" or too unfeminine...
This type of man WILL find something to lord over a woman. He has an ideal that he feels he DESERVES. This, because he is so smart, so educated, so whatever... He is inherently deserving because he's a man. This is misogyny.
I learned years ago to run, run, run when a man leans in close & asks for a body count.
(Alex: good luck finding the Virgin Princess of your dreams. You the man!)
Wow. I recommend the LW start finding what humor she can in dodging this bullet. It will make getting past this and putting it into proper perspective easier. Might I suggest you get the ball rolling by referring to him always as Saint Ex from the moment you dump him until the day you honestly feel relieved to have escaped the situation with your self-respect and confidence intact.
She tried. He tried...or didn't...either way he still views her as a morally inferior person. And that is bulls**t. He's not but let's be honest because all of us see someone as inferior to us at some point in our lives if not every day as you read of others in the news or watch the newest reality show. But most of us don't punish others because we think we're better -- something kicks in and reminds us that there is a whole lot of subjective to life and the person we're judging may be thinking the same thing about us.
Saint Ex doesn't necessarily need a makeover of his sexual sensibilities, though that might mean he'd have a little more fun. He needs to mature. He needs to learn how to be kind to people even when he disagrees with them so much that he wishes to limit his interaction with them. And speaking from experience, he needs to learn how rare love is. (It's only cliche to those who haven't learned what it is.) It's probable he will be like me and so many other people and have to lose someone he really loved to understand how stupid it is to care who they've shared themselves with in the past when they've chosen to share themselves only with you. When you're "the one" who cares about all of "the others"?
The bf got upset for the wrong reason.
He should dump her anyway. Why?
If my gf had a 3some, why wasn't I in it?
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