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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
But which cat? (Therein lies another column).
Please don't assume you have any idea what the "normal" guy's reaction to this disclosure would be. Nothing you've said so far speaks for me at all, and I'm just as "normal" as you.
Unless by "normal," you mean "coming from a male ego-centric, morally absolutist, judgmental and hypocritcal point of view."
You have a tell, by the way. Your immediate leap from solving a relationship problem that was clearly as much about communication, honesty, trust and vulnerability to ones' partner as it was about sexual histories, to an lengthy, rambling indictment of third-wave feminism, exposed your troll-like ways.
Of course the BF is irrational about sex; everybody is. If people were rational about sex, they would not have any at all, what with all the diseases, embarrassment, heartbreak, and other assorted risks that are involved. It is the fact that sex is not rational that makes it fun.
I have been in a similar situation to the LW’s boyfriend. Many years ago a had girlfriend whom I cared deeply about and things were going swimmingly until, one fateful evening, we started talking about past (sexual) relationships and I asked a couple rather direct questions about her past experiences. She answered honestly and I experienced symptoms much like those the LW’s boyfriend reported; sickness and constant visions of my girlfriend engaged in activities which I have never done and never want to do.
Long story short, I couldn’t deal and we broke up. The lesson? (with the benefit of years of hindsight) I did not really want to know what she had done in her past. My questions about her past were irrelevant to my then-current relationship. I’m aware of my hang-ups. And, as someone already noted, she could not have gone back and “un-fucked” anybody.
The BF is not nuts just because he doesn’t like it that his girlfriend had a three-way, and none of the people writing comments have enough information to say that this guy is a hypocrite. Everybody has sexual hang-ups. His problems are 1) not being smart enough to realize that an honest answer to a question irrelevant to his current relationship may bother him and 2) not having the ability to either learn to deal with his girlfriend’s past or break up with her. Cary is right; the relationship is over. If he were going to get over it, he would have already done so. It is time for the LW to cut her losses.
And those films dealt with this issue with a lot more humor wrapped around great relationship advice. Cary, you're no Kevin Smith.
It sounds like it was a MFF threesome. This is such a powerful fantasy for a guy, yet so rare.
LW's boyfriend is jealous that he did not get to experience this and it is driving him crazy and irrational. I can absolutely picture this. She has been to the mountain top and he hasn't. Worse, unlike a male who would have to expend a lot of effort and (probably) emotional stress, she apparently just fell into it. She is being casual about idly taking a sip from the Holy Grail that he desperately was fantasizing about.
I think almost all the males who are writing letters judging this guy harshly would in fact also be messed up by this revelation. Maybe not reacting quite the way he is, but it would obsess them and obsess them no end. It's not her fault that she didn't think of the consequences of the disclosure, but now that it's out the effect of it must be dealt with. The best remedy is for LW to find another female so that her boyfriend can experience a threesome. Crazy as it sounds. only then can his head get clear and they can go back to getting their heads into the here and now.
...to burn my bridges in an over-the-top, melodramatic way. Tell him intimate, shocking details about the experience, how delightful it was, and how with that to live up to, he could never have satisfied you anyway, so you're not sure why you've been together this long. Reduce him to a shaking, wailing, puddle of goo. Make sure he'll be impotent every time he gets within 10 feet of any woman for the rest of his life.
And then pat yourself on the back. For heaven's sake, girl, why are you internalizing his crap? Why do you feel you have to apologize or come to terms with anything? Why should his arbitrary, invented-just-by-him-since-he-isn't-religious rules apply to you?
Yep, I'd be tempted. But as entertaining as it is to think about, it wouldn't be very nice. So I'd just get my stuff (it's his name on the lease, isn't it? don't do that next time!), including the cats, shake hands, and say, "Nice to have known you." Maybe next time he has a good thing, he won't be so cavalier about it.
if he'd never heard about your 3-some, it would be just a matter of time before he started picking on you about something else.
I loved Cary's response! That's for you folks who don't think he gets to the point enough.
LW, you are not a slut! Do not let some guy convince you that you are! As long as you feel comfortable with what you've done, there is nothing wrong with it. As far as I'm concerned, respecting one's body means doing things for the right reasons. If you had the threesome because you thought it was the only way you could be liked by the people involved, that is disrespectful to your body. If you had the threesome because you genuinely wanted to, there is absolutely nothing wrong with it.
I think we need to take the entire concept of slut out of the picture. Despite the fact that one poster did mention the "male slut", slut is overwhelmingly a way to put women down for their sexual behavior. There is nothing wrong with women enjoying sex and having as much of it as they desire. There is nothing wrong with having multiple sex partners or having sex that isn't "sacred" with someone you aren't passionately in love with. Men aren't condemned for this behavior, and women shouldn't be either. The word slut implies that they should, and it needs to go.
And, by the way, it is possible to find men who enjoy women with healthy sexual appetites and who are comfortable with the idea of their partners having sexual pasts. They are called mature men without sexual hang-ups.
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Salon headlines in your mailbox
