Site Presented By
Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
Apparently there are a fair number of men in this culture who split women up into two nifty groups: Sluts, and Nice Girls. Yeah, yeah, Madonna/whore dichotomy etc etc, but let's take a look at how this plays out in real life.
Sluts are the ones who have lots of sex all the time -- freaky sex or just plentiful sex, or whatever kind of sex the guy in question is happy to have or fantasize about himself, but disapproves of in principle. Sluts are for fucking and then forgetting about.
Nice Girls are the ones who these men want to settle down and slay the sabre-toothed tiger in the defense of. Nice Girls must always be virgins.
Now, these men -- and keep in mind I'm not talking about all men, or even most men, just the men like the LW's boyfriend -- get extremely confused and angry when women who they have previously assumed to be Nice Girls actually turn out to have Sluttish tendencies. I think these guys are almost more pissed off about what they perceive as their own errors in judgment, than about the fact of the sluttiness. And since sexual history is the be-all and end-all of how they judge women, why, do they have any choice but to act all huffy and disgusted?
Fortunately -- I say with great joy and relief -- these guys are not nearly as common as they insist they are. Most people (men and women alike) might be a little weirded out by their partners' past escapades, but most people have it together enough to suck it up, get over it and not cast stones when they live in freaking greenhouses themselves.
Also, to clarify for the guys who chortle when women say that they wish they could have all the wanton sex that men do: there's an important unspoken chunk of that sentiment missing. I absolutely promise that what your friends mean to say is "Gee, I wish I could have the kind of sex men do and not be branded a filthy whore and treated like shit for it later on." That's what men get to do, that women still don't -- a fact of which this letter, and some of the responses, are dramatic proof.
I've read Cary's column for ages and this doesn't sound like him at all. "THIS GUY IS NUTS" in all caps seems stronger than something that Cary would normally say. Very strange.
As for the LW, she needs to get out as soon as she reasonably can. Better to be single than to be a prisoner.
In college, I was similarly, obsessively jealous about my first girlfriend's sexual past. She had had a long-term sexual relationship with a previous boyfriend. I had had a single fumbling encounter in the sack. We had a great relationship and were even engaged to be married. But thoughts of her sexual experience were like a throbbing ache inside of me and I made her miserable about it. So we broke up. Just a few years later, after I had sown some wild oats, I couldn't believe how obsessed I had been about my wonderful girlfriend's past. Ever since (and I'm now 50), I've never been the least bit bothered by my girlfriends' and wives' sexual histories (though, to be sure, I'd rather not know all the details and haven't asked). Moral of my story: The letter writer's BF may not be a nut at all. Maybe he's just too young to settle down, as I was with my college girlfriend. My insane jealousy was nature's way of telling me that.
P.S. I agree that the response didn't sound like Cary at all. Much too judgmental. I also join the other men in scoffing at one woman's suggestion that men can go out and get laid anytime they want. Women have that prerogative, not men.
The guy is nuts and the woman should dump him as quickly as she can. It is none of his business what she did in the past. I wish I had had a threesome. I bet it was fun.
...but men can get laid and not be raked over the coals for being dirty sluts by people like Alex and the LW's boyfriend. That is men's privilege.
So: have all the sex you can handle, but have it reflect badly on your character, and have the entire damn world sit in judgment of you? Or have fewer chances at sex, but escape with your good name and reputation largely unscathed?
This is a grass-is-always-greener thing. Both options have their drawbacks.
A lot of comments already on this, but I'd like to put in my two cents.
I have long held the opinion that my partner's past (with the possible exception of STDs-- I agree with several people here that it's wise to find out if a partner currently has an STD or may have been exposed to one, esp. fairly recently. In this age of AIDS, it'd be irresponsible not to), is my partner's past. As far as I'm concerned, our relationship and what I need to be concerned with starts from day one of OUR relationship, *not* from day one of any past liaison. We can't change our pasts. We can only make choices about the present, which in turn influences the future. The fact that Regretting Telling's current fellow has deep issues about HER past means he isn't mentally, emotionally, or psychologically mature enough to handle any romantic relationship, period. He isn't the one who she had a threesome with, so he doesn't need to be concerned with it. If he really isn't into threesomes, he could have been mature enough to state he didn't think threesomes were all that great and that he hoped she wouldn't have one while she was with him-- and let that be the end of discussion. The fact that he's crying and carrying on days, weeks, and months later indicates an extremely immature individual, one she's better off without.
However, I do agree with a number of you that past sexual/romantic history should be on a need-to-know basis. Some information about past relationships might be relevant, or "safe" enough to share. But intimate details generally should stay where they belong-- in the past. Sure, some men have issues with wanting to be with virgins or near-virgins-- but so do some women. Everyone has their own desires or fantasies about their relationships, and what an ideal partner/relationship is. The secret is: there is NO "ideal" out there-- if we were all ideal, we'd all be perfect. The fact is, we're all human, we've all made mistakes. It's how we learn from them and how we comport ourselves NOW that says a lot about where we are in life. Regretting Telling sounds like she's comfortable with herself, healthy with her own desires and sexuality, and ready for a relationship, should she so choose. RT's present (former?) amour and housemate definitely needs therapy, and some time alone to do some serious growing up. Sounds like he hasn't found a therapist that's able to help him face his own issues. How he chooses to handle that will determine whether he's able to move on and have a healthy relationship eventually, or remain a mess and muck up his life.
Much of the initial coverage about Fort Hood turned out to be wrong. Is there anything wrong with that?
The accountability imposed by another country for the CIA's kidnapping and torture reveals much about our own.
Fox News' morning show plays to type, talking about whether Muslims in the Army should face "special debriefings"
The survivor and author is upset about comparisons some on the right are making to genocide
Once seen as a lunatic fringe, reactionary anti-women groups are courting respectability
Salon headlines in your mailbox
