I completely understand what you are saying. I am in the same exact position. My girlfriend and I recently ended a relationship because I became very distant when I found out about her past. And she lied about it to boot. It is a terrible, terrible, feeling, and I am not a teenager. We have recently started to work things out, but it was something I wish I never knew. There was drugs, drinking, and two threesomes. Obviously the drugs and drinking was fine. Hell I went to college and experienced the best times of my life, with women, and experimenting.

The terrible part is that I now do not look at her the same way. It is so bad. I am ashamed of that. I decided that I need to see a professional to help me understand why. To not look at her in that way.

My sexual past includes many one night stands, married women etc. And I have no right to look down at her. But if this guy can acknowledge that he has a serious problem, just not with her, but with himself, it's the first step.

Everyone processes info differently, and you cannot blame her or him for their reaction. We just react differently. He built this image of her, and now it has been tarnished, in his mind. He is upset at her because of the way he feels, and it is pretty bad that he is channeling that anger at her to make himself feel better.

I think the only think he has left, is to be man, help himself understand why he is like this, then find ways to improve as a person. I am doing this now, and I am hoping down the road, I can find a way to be a better man than I am right now. I will be the first to admit, it is not right.

There are some big jealousy, insecurity, and self esteem issues that can be addressed. Its not over yet, but it is getting close if he doesnt try to help himself.

I thought, I was the only man dealing with this problem.

My girlfriend had a couple of a threesomes with two men before she met me. She was in a relationship at the time and cheating on a person has been a delicate subject in my life, because I've seen what adultry can do to people (my mother suffered for years) on a daily basis. So when she told me this I freaked out. Cheating numerous times on your boyfriend (her relationship lasted 5 years) is one thing, having sex with two men at the same tme doing so, is another.

1) She told me about her experiments because she wanted to be honest (that's her first mistake)

2) She wanted me to know from te beginning, because she was afraid I would dump her when I would have found out after a couple of years. She said: I didn't want you to think I was one of 'those' girls back then (she regards herself as one, that's her second mistake)

My mistakes are far worse. I'm entitled to my own beliefs and opnions. But they are not universal. I have no right judging her, but yet I do so. That's one of my many mistakes. I'm a hypocrite, because I have cheated on my first girlfriend as well. I condone my own actions and I disregard her justifications. But no matter how many times she says it's in the past and our love life is much more fullfilling, it's irrelevant to me. I want to make her feel guilty. That's how far I'm prepared to go. Up till a couple of months my girlfriend was very understanding. I told her about my background but there's only so much a woman can take. During arguments I no longer bring up the subject, but in my mind I keep the 'anger' alive.

Let's face it. I'm the one making a problem out of this. And I can condemn her behaviour just as long as I want to, it will never change her past. It will only change her feelings towards me. One day she'll wake up and leave. Serves me right. I have to accept it and let it go. But for me it's a hard thing to do. I'm not proud to admit.

I'm seeing a psychotherapist, because I have to deal with this in any case. I'm projecting the pain from my childhood memories and I use my current girlfriend as a scapegoat. I have no right to do so. I do not deserve a woman like her. If I was a 'real' man, I would let her go. But I'm a coward who preferes to blame someone else instead of taking up responsibility for his own feelings and behaviour.

Screwing around is not wrong but even as a teenager I regarded sex as something sacred, to be cherished and shared with respect for one another. I still have a problem with one-night-stands and threesomes in particular because I consider them disrespectfull to woman. I understand that woman often look for intimacy (rather than sex) but have little problem using sex to get it. Of course woman want just sex as well, but maybe they should be more open about it. It would make life a bit less complicated and frustrating.

On the other hand, my conduct is direspectfull in itself. What she did in the past, is none of my damn business. When she told me, I kept my mouth shut about my personal mistakes. That makes me jerk as well. I still haven't got the guts to tell her now. I convince myself, I love her but my motives to stay with her are questionable. So, hopefully I will be able to get over it. For my sake, my girlfriend's and if this doesn't work out, for girlfriend(s) to come. Until that day I remain a jerk. There's no excuse.

Early in out relationship, my girlfriend told me about numerous threesomes/foursomes she had with a girlfriend from work.

Unlike some of the previous posts, I was not offended by this. I wanted to get it set up for me too!!

But then about a month later when I brought it up again, she told me that she would never have a threesome with me EVER. After trying to get her to change her mind, we both got angry.

So now I face an uncertain future. I have to basically accept the fact that I will never be able to live out my ultimate fantasy with her, but I also have to "accept" the fact that she has given this ultimate fantasy to other guys--several other guys.

The columnist's response to the original letter is very short-sighted and too theoretical. Unless and until you are actually in this situation, you will never understand how it tears you up.

I'm worried that the threesome thing between me and my girlfriend will eventually ruin the relationship. It's already starting tension between us. The other day, she was complaining why I don't talk dirty to her and why I don't share my sexual fantasies...

But how can I share my sexual fantasies with her when she's already done that but won't with me??

How can we have good sex when I know that she's reached her sexual boundaries with other guys but won't with me??

Take it from me, you do not want to be in this situation.