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Monday, December 18, 2006 12:00 AM

My boyfriend freaked out because I had a threesome

It happened before we were together, but he can't handle it and he's being a real jerk.

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  • Tuesday, December 19, 2006 05:29 PM

    Why a Threesome Ruins Your Prospect for Marriage - A Relationship Primer for Women

    Okay, ladies, here is the info you need to know if you don't want to spend your thirties pining for a loving husband while hating most of man kind a la the Broadsheet gals.

    1. Keep your pants on

    Yeah, that is a tough one, cuz every so often a hot boy smiles at you and your pussy gets wet. Oh, wouldn't the splash of his semen on your leg feel so fine?

    Alas, he is just going to pump and dump, leaving you with brief memories and lasting genital warts. And when you meet that marriage minded guy, he's gonna balk at the ball park entrance when he sees all the graffitti on the walls.

    2. Enforce a "One Orifice at a Time" policy

    Yeah, that can also be hard, b/c what gal in the 21st century DOESN'T want to feel that flap of skin between her pussy and her anus rubbed by two hard dicks at the same time? And it's your body, you can do whatever you want with it, right? Why not be Jenna Jameson for a night?

    Alas, a women who takes on two men at a time has revealed that she craves attention of men more than her own self-esteem and does embody feminie virtues of purity. Such women make poor moms and unreliable long-term mates. Good men know this and pass along.

    3. Control Yourself

    That's what it's all about in the end. You see, ANY WOMAN CAN HAVE A THREESOME. Sex for women is available at all hours in all places at all times of day. It is the woman who ABSTAINS that shows some character. And it is this character which will make her good at manage home finances, shopping, child rearing, etc. Men know this. They can smell a used pussy from a mile away. And they sure as hell ain't gonna give it a house.

    IN SUMMARY, be a good girl and you can marry a good man. Be an empowered slut and you can fuck a good man. Try and have both and you can write a column for Salon. But you can't have it all. That's life.

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