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I thought, I was the only man dealing with this problem.
My girlfriend had a couple of a threesomes with two men before she met me. She was in a relationship at the time and cheating on a person has been a delicate subject in my life, because I've seen what adultry can do to people (my mother suffered for years) on a daily basis. So when she told me this I freaked out. Cheating numerous times on your boyfriend (her relationship lasted 5 years) is one thing, having sex with two men at the same tme doing so, is another.
1) She told me about her experiments because she wanted to be honest (that's her first mistake)
2) She wanted me to know from te beginning, because she was afraid I would dump her when I would have found out after a couple of years. She said: I didn't want you to think I was one of 'those' girls back then (she regards herself as one, that's her second mistake)
My mistakes are far worse. I'm entitled to my own beliefs and opnions. But they are not universal. I have no right judging her, but yet I do so. That's one of my many mistakes. I'm a hypocrite, because I have cheated on my first girlfriend as well. I condone my own actions and I disregard her justifications. But no matter how many times she says it's in the past and our love life is much more fullfilling, it's irrelevant to me. I want to make her feel guilty. That's how far I'm prepared to go. Up till a couple of months my girlfriend was very understanding. I told her about my background but there's only so much a woman can take. During arguments I no longer bring up the subject, but in my mind I keep the 'anger' alive.
Let's face it. I'm the one making a problem out of this. And I can condemn her behaviour just as long as I want to, it will never change her past. It will only change her feelings towards me. One day she'll wake up and leave. Serves me right. I have to accept it and let it go. But for me it's a hard thing to do. I'm not proud to admit.
I'm seeing a psychotherapist, because I have to deal with this in any case. I'm projecting the pain from my childhood memories and I use my current girlfriend as a scapegoat. I have no right to do so. I do not deserve a woman like her. If I was a 'real' man, I would let her go. But I'm a coward who preferes to blame someone else instead of taking up responsibility for his own feelings and behaviour.
Screwing around is not wrong but even as a teenager I regarded sex as something sacred, to be cherished and shared with respect for one another. I still have a problem with one-night-stands and threesomes in particular because I consider them disrespectfull to woman. I understand that woman often look for intimacy (rather than sex) but have little problem using sex to get it. Of course woman want just sex as well, but maybe they should be more open about it. It would make life a bit less complicated and frustrating.
On the other hand, my conduct is direspectfull in itself. What she did in the past, is none of my damn business. When she told me, I kept my mouth shut about my personal mistakes. That makes me jerk as well. I still haven't got the guts to tell her now. I convince myself, I love her but my motives to stay with her are questionable. So, hopefully I will be able to get over it. For my sake, my girlfriend's and if this doesn't work out, for girlfriend(s) to come. Until that day I remain a jerk. There's no excuse.
