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i can see both sides of this story. the BF is behaving badly, but his reaction is understandable. even guys who can see past the double standard know that many other people can't. i think a lot of young men probably struggle with moving their thinking past their instinctive reactions. it's often observed that what really distinguishes our species from all of the others isn't opposable thumbs, but, rather, the ability to act against instinct. at the most basic level, male jealousy is biologically instinctive--based on the primal urge to procreate--and therefore natural, however irrational. it may be unstylish to say so, but, frankly, male jealousy and the double standard are actually a much more predictable, logical, and normal part of sexuality than experimenting with group sex.
this past semester i taught a course in creative nonfiction at the university where i'm employed. one of the assignments was to write a personal experience narrative/fragment of memoir. one of my students wrote a rather graphic story about discovering that his GF of nearly a year had slept with 22 men and had 2 abortions before he came into the picture. the girl had lied to him, saying that she'd only had one previous partner, and he learned the truth when one of the prior partners confronted him at a party and told him everything, whereupon he yelled at the girl, called her a whore, told her she'd ruined his life, punched a hole in the wall, and kicked her out of the apartment they were sharing for the summer. the theme of the essay was, essentially, that this girl was an unforgivable slut.
my reaction was to sympathize with the girl. given the extent of her experience at a pretty young age (18), i felt as if the writer owed her a bit more compassion and understanding. in my written critique of the essay, i defended the girl, arguing that the writer was being unfair to categorically label her as an indefensible whore, given the fact that she was not legally an adult when these patterns of behavior began; that people change; that he had no reason to believe she'd been unfaithful to him; that he hadn't been a virgin when they started their sexual relationship, and therefore had no right to question her choices of previous partners; that girls are often wise to hide their sexual histories from unreasonably jealous and possessive boys, who are pretty much guaranteed to overreact the same way my student did, and the LW's BF has.
ironically, when we held the class workshop to discuss the piece, before i even had a chance to defend the poor girl, the class was loudly praising the writer for his honesty and condemning the girlfriend (now ex-girlfriend, natch) as a 'ho-bag,' 'slut,' 'skank,' etc., ad infinitum. 20 of the 22 students in the class were women, and the girls were far more aggressive in their contempt than the two male students (the author of the piece and an af.-am. man who wisely elected to stay silent, smiling bemusedly through the argument).
what really struck me about this experience--and why i recall it at length here--is that the double standard seemed to be held more fiercely by the women in the class. a few of them bemoaned the fact that male promiscuity is so widely tolerated and even encouraged, but only one of them seconded my argument that, at the very least, the girl should be treated as a human being who made some dubious choices rather than a piece of trash. when i suggested that a girl who has had 22 partners by age 18 has likely been the victim of some sort of emotional, psychological, and/or physical abuse, that she might have been trying to change, that the past is just the past and should be forgiven and forgotten, the girls in the class insisted that, no, she was just a cheap slut who had horribly mistreated the boy who wrote the essay.
i know that the majority of salon's readers and writers are more progressive, liberal, and mature than most of my students, but the kids who fill my classrooms are probably a fairer approximation of the mood of the general public than salon's premium members. anecdotal evidence cannot be drawn upon for sweeping generalizations, but this particular anecdote suggested to me that the continuing climate of intolerance some women face over their sexual choices stems both from instinctive jealously and broad cultural pressures that are still very much entrenched among women and men alike.
as i mention above, this girl's BF is behaving poorly, and from the tone of the letter, my guess would be that the relationship is already over. hopefully the LW will find a more tolerant partner, or have learned at least that some things are better kept private, even if they shouldn't necessarily be considered regrettable and/or shameful. but, however childish his behavior, the boyfriend's reaction seems pretty normal to me, and the insecurities and pressures that led him to react so unfairly and irrationally have a rational basis both in culture and biology. what has happened to the LW isn't right or fair, but it's typical, and predictable.
