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• Wednesday, December 20, 2006 11:38 AM

  Anon:

  You said: "whereas women can enforce right speech and behavior (at least regarding open discussion) over men collectively (at least face to face and among men who are identifiable) by issuing general threats of sexual banishment for incorrect behavior/attitudes"

  I'm not sure what you mean by threats of sexual banishment. How can I threaten a man or group of men with sexual banishment if I am not having a sexual relationship with him/them? Believe me, I would not have the gall to tell a man or group of men "if you don't agree with me, no sex for you" because 1) if I am having sex with that particular man, I am risking losing sex, which I enjoy, and saying such a thing is manipulative, 2) if I am not having sex with him, or I am talking to a group of men, the general reaction would likely be: "As if I/we wanted to have sex with you in the first place! Get over yourself!" And that would be totally appropriate.

  If you're saying that you perceive that men in general live under the general threat that if they don't behave, women will all start withholding sex, I can assure you that there is no recognized agreement between women to behave that way, and if that petition were circulated, no way would I sign it.

  Now, I am free to say, and I have said, and I will say again, that I personally will never sleep with or have any other sort of relationship with a man who espouses misogynistic (that mean "woman hating") views. [I'm assuming the incorrect behavior you're referring to is what I'd call "misogynistic" views, and some others might call "traditional" or "old-fashioned". If I'm wrong, forgive me.] That is my perogative. Other women are also free to say that. If so many of us have decided that we do not like having intimate relations with men who behave as if they hate us just because we are women, and that makes men who do display this behavior hard up for sex, then those men either have to work to find whatever women out there don't care about that kind of thing, or get used to masturbation, or decide to reexamine their views, IF THEY DECIDE THAT IS SOMETHING THEY ARE WILLING TO DO IN ORDER TO HAVE SEX. That is in caps because it's important. No one is forcing them to do anything, but if they want to be attractive to modern women, acting like they hate them probably isn't the way to go about it, so they have to decide if their hatred is more important, or if sex is important.

  I am also free to say "I will never sleep with a man who does not shower, clean his clothes, or brush his teeth." Again, my perogative. I would guess that most women would agree with that position. That doesn't mean that we have some sort of conspiracy against men with no personal hygiene. And I don't think you would object to our rejecting men who reek because they have never bathed. This is a similar type of thing-- you might be perceiving a general feeling, on the part of a majority of women, to not be interesting in dating or sleeping with men who act hostile toward us, but it's not that we've gotten together and decided to banish that type of man. We just each, individually, as a result of changing standards of appropriate behavior (as in, now women have to be treated as equal human beings) have decided that we don't find that type of man attractive.

  This sounds to me like a case of someone whose attitudes toward women are very, very out of step with the times. That is not our fault, and there is nothing wrong with all of us, nothing for us to apologize for, and no change we ought to make. I would hope that you wouldn't have an intimate relationship with someone who behaved as if she hated you, and I think women deserve that same right.

  —lww
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