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This letter hit me hard, and I have to say while I agree with Cary that the BF is irrational and even nuts on this issue, I know from experience that this type of thing might not mean the guy is completely nuts.
I have now been married well over ten years and when I first got engaged to my husband it was a "second time" relationship where we had been together for months just "for fun" (for really excellent sex) in College, but we had been apart for many years, then we hooked up again. The second time we actually really fell very deeply in love as two people who really know each other, enjoyed just about all the same things, similar politics, irreverent, areligious and we really had lots of fun in every way. This wonderful guy is REALLY handsome (excellent physical shape), funny, incredibly smart as well as well-educated, he sings beautifully and plays music, loves children and absolutely sensitive and enlightened--one of the very few perfect males for a highly educated, feminist woman. However, my love was obsessed with my past, wanted me to list everyone I'd slept with, wanted me to basically tell him they were all lousy in bed. He got furious when I began with the truth, so then I tried saying I forgot (which I did mostly), then I tried lying to say they were all jerks with this or that problem (which is not really a total lie when you broke up for some reason...)--Nothing worked--he would throw huge tantrums at me....it was absurd.
However, I worked on it because I saw it as a bizarre emotional hangup he just couldn't get past--and it didn't come up all the time. We got married and it got much better--but I just had to never talk to many people from my past--even some of my female friends were threatening--and certainly never mention past boyfriends. After about 4-5 years he found some old journal of mine and read it--and a HUGE fight happened as he caught me in some of my lies ... I just told him coerced lies were ridiculous. About a year later he very meanly cheated on me with a friend of ours, which was horrible and very painful--but somehow it came out he was getting me back for my lies etc.
All this sounds so completely nuts and dysfunctional but in reality--our "true relationship" has always been awesome. He is 95% rational and brilliant and caring and supportive--no joke--but he has this bizarre insecure side. I decided to just forgive and absolutely forget his cheating--which shocked and amazed him that I loved him that much that I took some of the blame (because cheating is always a 2-way street) and we just got stronger. We're together for good and he is the best thing that could have happened to me. I still think he is nuts about my past--but life is in the present and the present between us is GREAT. So I would argue that if one could convince this guy to LIVE in the PRESENT--value what you have and not torture yourself with ghosts--all might YET be Fabulous. Don't give up--SHAKE HIM to WAKE UP.
