- Top Features:
- War Room
- Glenn Greenwald
- Broadsheet
- Joan Walsh
- Camille Paglia
- Since You Asked
- Follow Salon:
Read other letters about this article
I felt sorry about your situation. It hit a strange spot for me because a dear friend of mine was recently involved in a threesome, and it has turned me off of him totally, although I haven't told him. We're not involved now, but I think he's interested in getting back together. We've been involved and boken up, but I used to think that maybe we might grow mature enough and realize we have so much together and all that practical stuff. With this new adventure of his my feelings have changed. Yes I feel disappointed. Having said that, I have had a past myself and sometimes think that the new man I have started seeing might think differently of me if he knew. I'll tell him anyway if and when it comes to that.
Some people are so fortunate to have come through life so completely unjaded that they can feel justified in standing in judgemnt on others who have LIVED, made choices, gone with their feelings, and made mistakes. But do you notice that unless they're crazy, people mostly judge things they haven't done. The way I see it is this, if you believe you've made a mistake it means that you regret what you've done, but then you've had time to think about it and live past it. This is now his turn. Maybe he will get over it, maybe he won't. Do you think he is a good person? Don't be a victim, and trust me I know how hard it is to watch someone you truly love - especially when you've LIVED and know the value of true unglamorous,love - slip away for a reason that seems trivial to you. But you have to either give him time to get over it, with patience and maybe some distance between you, or tell him go to hell. He may not be religious (I am not either, and I share the sex being sacred sentiment) but he might relate to the "Cast the first stone" principle that truly prinicipled people- mature people- can relate to.
He has lost an image of you that he had and loved. But you have got to know you are worthy. The important thing is how important is it from a values point of view. Love does not mean instant understanding or forgiveness. If the subject is something you two feel so diffrently about maybe you need to part ways without judging each other.
If you don't believe you've made a mistake, then it doesn't matter that it happened before him, it is part of what defines you. Maybe you two come from opposite ends of the spectrum on sexual values. You have to understand, and from your letter I think you do, that it is a big deal for some people. If we understand that sex is important, then we have to understand that our sexual choices are also important.
You sound fairly young, and as if you have many regrets. Young men who hurt easy and are unforgiving may grow up and become wiser, or they may grow into older men who are cynical and unforgiving.
