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Monday, December 18, 2006 12:00 AM

My boyfriend freaked out because I had a threesome

It happened before we were together, but he can't handle it and he's being a real jerk.

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  • Wednesday, December 20, 2006 06:21 AM

    To Anon, part two...

    "The original issue was the guys (probable)jealousy and insecurity regarding his own sexual opportunities, this brought up the more general question of whether the average woman has sexual/social leverage and opportunites which the average man does not have, this was, absurdly, denied." First, I didn't deny it-- I actually agreed, based on my own experience, that I would have a much easier time finding someone to sleep with, if that's my priority, than a comparably attractive guy. The problem with what you're saying, though, is that it reduces everything to sex. Yes, I might be able to sleep with any number of guys, but forming relationships with men is not just about sex. If there's a guy that I like, I want to be with him because of lots of different qualities that he has-- his sense of humor, his taste in music or movies or books, common interests, etc., etc.-- men are not interchangeable penises. So if I want this particular guy to like me, I have to make him like my personality, treat him well, listen to what he has to say and consider his thoughts and feelings respectfully, etc. Same as how a man would treat a woman he wants to like him. If I don't do those things, a self-respecting guy (the only type I would want to be with in the first place) will move on and then, yeah, I could sleep with some other guy, but I don't want to sleep with that other guy, I wanted the first guy (and for reasons beyond sex)! So it's in our best interests to treat you guys well, just as it is in your best interests to treat us well. And it's in my best interests to treat other women well, if I want female friends, and the same goes for guys looking for male friends.

    Again, I say this last thing as sincere advice and not meaning it as a put-down: the fact that you reduce these things to just sex, and that you seem to think that women view all men as interchangeable penises so there's no need to treat any one particularly well because another penis just like it will come along, says a lot about how you see women. It implies to me that you see women as basically interchangeable, and that you're looking for someone to just sleep with and not someone to form a friendship with. If that's what you're looking for, it is probably possible to find some women with the same priorities; there's nothing wrong with it if both parties are upfront that that's what they're looking for. But I don't think it makes sense to get bent out of shape if you can't find a woman who has those same priorities-- we're entitled to be looking for what we're looking for, and just as it's your perogative to not get into a relationship you don't want to be in, its the woman's perogative to not have a one night stand if she's not into it. Getting to know women is just like getting to know other men-- some you will like and they will like you, and some you will not like and they will not like you. But before you see them as women, see them as people-- that will probably help you toward your ultimate goal of getting laid. (And believe me, I completely understand about needing to get laid. I have been there and it is not fun. But even so I wouldn't go out and sleep with the first random guy I found attractive enough, because there is too much risk involved. But boy was the next guy who asked me out [and who I continued to see because I liked him and who stuck around because he liked me] lucky!)

    Now, if you don't have these views of women, and instead are saying these things because the women you have dealt with have all been complete jerks who treated you like crap even though you treated them well, then I am sorry that happened to you, and keep treating women well (like human beings who you respect and like!) and keep looking for a woman who will do the same for you.

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