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Read other letters about this article
Situations such as this tend often to provoke heated discussions which are almost, though not entirely, unrelated to the actual questions being asked. Nothing wrong with this, it's good to talk about such matters. But it means I'll have to divide my reply into two clear sections.
First, to answer the LW's questions regarding her situation: given her partner's reactions so far, and his unwillingness to even attempt to move towards a resolution, the sad truth would seem to be that there is little hope for the wounds in this relationship to be healed. In this regard, I agree with Cary - was that Cary? It didn't sound like him - though I would have put it a little less combative terms than he.
That's the straightforward part, in relative terms.
What's more convoluted, and thus more interesting, is the discussion of the underlying themes that this letter has provoked. This is an issue that, for many readers, touches on some of our most intimate feelings, and recalls memories of when we were at our most vulnerable. Thus it's difficult to disengage and view it from afar.
It's a case of 'when worlds collide', it seems, like much of human interaction. Though when worlds collide in the sexual arena - as with matters of religion - the results rarely leave both parties unscathed.
What was an unimportant, though fondly-remembered, dalliance for Miss A, Mr B views as the actions of little more than a whore. The ill-remembered recounting of Mr X's youthful indiscretions may leave Miss Y entirely repulsed and wondering how she could have allowed such a man into her bed. None of this is unexpected, and to lay Mr B and Miss Y's judgmental attitude at the feet of hypocrisy or prudishness is being neither honest nor fair.
It is vital not to underestimate the importance of one's sense of emotional and sexual security in romantic relationships. Perhaps, now we have grown and matured into the stable, sexually well-adjusted individuals we doubtless are, it's difficult to recall the crippling feelings of uncertainty and insecurity that can take control where matters of sex and affection are concerned. Or perhaps only a minority of us here experienced these feelings. I can speak for myself, of course, but wouldn't claim to do so for others.
When I, as a young man of little experience and even less confidence, was told by my girlfriend of her own - I thought then, and still do now - considerable sexual experience, I was utterly mortified.
Was this because I felt intimidated by her greater experience, and thus her implied demand for more than I could offer? Yes.
Was this because I worried that, regardless of her feelings for me, I could never hope to become 'number one' on her list? Yes.
Was this because I felt upset and somewhat repulsed by the idea of her, the girl I was certain I loved, being penetrated by strange men? Yes.
All of the above reasons. And doubtless many more.
Did this mean I was immature? Yes. Insecure? Yes. Self-centred? Yes.
Am I still this way? I would hope not. But almost certainly, deep inside me, that core of hurt and insecurity remains, ready to be brought back to the surface should the situation arise again. At least now, I am sufficiently self-aware to realise it's there and try to deal with it. And the best way to deal with it, I would think, is simple:
Don't ask a question, if you don't think you can deal with the possible answer.
There are three situations in which I can imagine myself not being upset by any answer to such a question.
The first, if my own sexual 'rap sheet' were so varied and colourful as to render any partner's almost quaint by comparison.
The second, if I had become so centred, balanced and confident that such things were of little importance any more.
The last, if I regarded the relationship so unworthy of emotional investment as to render such revelations unimportant.
None of these situations have so far arisen - though I may have made some progress towards the second - but at the same time I've not found myself crippled with emotional jealousy at any time since the relationship I mentioned earlier, simply because I don't ask the question. Could this be considered a mark of emotional cowardice, of unwillingness to face the truth and an attempt to cover up one's character flaws rather than face up to them? Of course it could. But I do at least attempt to be honest about my insecurities. Perhaps failing to do so is part of the problem.
Apologies for the rambling, from the happy heart of one more bundle of insecurities.
