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• Sunday, December 17, 2006 11:35 PM

  Their relationship, not her past relationships

  A lot of comments already on this, but I'd like to put in my two cents.

  I have long held the opinion that my partner's past (with the possible exception of STDs-- I agree with several people here that it's wise to find out if a partner currently has an STD or may have been exposed to one, esp. fairly recently. In this age of AIDS, it'd be irresponsible not to), is my partner's past. As far as I'm concerned, our relationship and what I need to be concerned with starts from day one of OUR relationship, *not* from day one of any past liaison. We can't change our pasts. We can only make choices about the present, which in turn influences the future. The fact that Regretting Telling's current fellow has deep issues about HER past means he isn't mentally, emotionally, or psychologically mature enough to handle any romantic relationship, period. He isn't the one who she had a threesome with, so he doesn't need to be concerned with it. If he really isn't into threesomes, he could have been mature enough to state he didn't think threesomes were all that great and that he hoped she wouldn't have one while she was with him-- and let that be the end of discussion. The fact that he's crying and carrying on days, weeks, and months later indicates an extremely immature individual, one she's better off without.

  However, I do agree with a number of you that past sexual/romantic history should be on a need-to-know basis. Some information about past relationships might be relevant, or "safe" enough to share. But intimate details generally should stay where they belong-- in the past. Sure, some men have issues with wanting to be with virgins or near-virgins-- but so do some women. Everyone has their own desires or fantasies about their relationships, and what an ideal partner/relationship is. The secret is: there is NO "ideal" out there-- if we were all ideal, we'd all be perfect. The fact is, we're all human, we've all made mistakes. It's how we learn from them and how we comport ourselves NOW that says a lot about where we are in life. Regretting Telling sounds like she's comfortable with herself, healthy with her own desires and sexuality, and ready for a relationship, should she so choose. RT's present (former?) amour and housemate definitely needs therapy, and some time alone to do some serious growing up. Sounds like he hasn't found a therapist that's able to help him face his own issues. How he chooses to handle that will determine whether he's able to move on and have a healthy relationship eventually, or remain a mess and muck up his life.

  —mrsandman29 Read mrsandman29's other letters
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