Letters to the Editor
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Move back
It seems to me the writer ought to seriously consider moving back to New York. Although she states it would be "financially impossible" to do so, this seems unnecessarily pessimistic and hyperbolic. There are plenty of ways to live in NYC affordably, though it might involve living in an up-and-coming outer borough neighborhood, and the challenge finding a decent public school there. It seems like it would be worth it, though, as she would be reunited with her friends and the things that feel familiar to her, sparing her the isolation and lonliness of the suburbs in which she now feels trapped.
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Think Creatively
I am the mom of two and bore people regularly about my kids BUT I have tons of other things to talk about too. I find it odd that this woman can't find anyone with common interests. Are hers that limited? I think it may be a stretch to find moms who want to go clubbing and drinking on a regular basis. But chatting at home over a glass of wine or at Starbucks over a latte is reasonable and I am amazed that this would be a problem. I actually know very few moms whose kids are out of the toddler stage that talk constantly about their children. You do reach a point where it gets old and every little thing that your child does is not a monumental event.
Here is an idea that I have not seen posted but did keep me sane through the toddler years and a difficult divorce: I became a consultant for a home business company. I am not suggesting that she take on another job. She can choose an interest,(cooking, scrapbooking, stamping, spa products, cosmetics, clothes, jewelry, home decor, lingerie--even sex toys) join a company, and instantly become a part of a group that shares her interests. Most of these companies have online bulletin boards where consultants can chat. Mine has one just for non-business related chatting! If she is in a town with other consultants she can attend meetings (often excuses for a relaxing time or a party) with women who will not be talking about their kids! I chose a scrapbooking company because I enjoy doing something creative (which is all about me)that included my kids--because the scrapbooks are all about them. A group of fellow consultants and I go on a yearly scrapbooking retreat for 4 days. We eat, drink, and watch movies We get excited about the art we are creating and great photography. We don't dwell on our kids. We laugh until we cry. Scrapbooking is probably not her thing--although the most likely to offer bonding time with other women since retreats and workshops are so common. I simply use it as an example of an alternative way to make connections with other women. As someone who enjoys night life, she may be more into clothing or jewelry. Why not join a company made up of women who also enjoy these things? Does she like to cook? There are at least two huge companies that cater to cooks and have so many consultants that she is bound to find someone she likes. This REALLY works. One of my best friends is the woman that signed me up as a consultant. Why? Simple-we have TONS in common.
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OK, Carey said "saddled"....Carey, don't do that!
And I didn't mean to put my whole name in, autfill did it for me. I still say that the three year old ought to be the focus here. "Alone at night with my child." ??? You are not alone when you are with your child! I think some training on how to engage with your toddler might be the answer here--you know those playgroup places? If you are depressed and piling blocks on top of each other is not enough fun, then get help. I went to church when I first moved away, because I did need some adult time, something that I could take my child along to. (Fortunately Episcopalians are not too intrusive about the depth of your "faith" and never discuss religion in the coffee hour. I do remember my son dragging me away before I was ready to go, so it isn't as if I don't relate to the dilemma.) Montessori schools usually have hip parents to congregate with; I recommend them. What I am saying is that I don't see enough of the child in this complaint, and I wonder if all the moving isn't the cause of loneliness and disorientation. Meanwhile a toddler has a potentially disengaged Mommy.
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Don't be like Sara!
She is "Stuck in a tiny town with a husband who was out most evenings, too smart and engaged and quirky for the suburban moms, and bored out of my mind."
Dang. Can't IMAGINE why none of the suburban moms wanted to hang out with someone so obviously superior!
Probably being condescending and feeling superior won't work too well if you'd like to make friends.
I'm just sayin'.
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Cut off from Friends? Make new ones! Take charge and go do things!
Join a club, or two or three.
Check out the local Unitarian group if you aren't particularly religious, because many of them aren't either.
Like to play cards? Find a duplicate bridge group, they're everywhere. Like jewelry? Join a rock club and meet lapidaries who make jewelry, they'll show you how!
Did you like school? Register for classes in something, anything. Like to read - book clubs! Learn new stuff and meet people with common interests.
Go hiking with a group, or learn about birds with a birding club.
Don't just sit there getting more and more bummed out!
Volunteer with the food pantry! Ring bells for the Salvation Army...I give up now, but there are more left than I've mentioned. The Library! Music lessons, dance lessons,
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Mothers not allowed to complain
I can't think of a milder, or more justified set of personal complaints than those posed here by LW. And yet her mothering comes in for criticism. Let's just get it out in the open: a mother is never allowed to express any kind of negative emotion or experience regarding motherhood because that would define her as a 'disengaged mother', or 'unsurrendered mother' - whichever way you slice it, a BAD mother.
And then we wonder why so many of us had mothers who some of the time were completely psycho-out-of-their-brains and their kids were the only ones who knew about it.
I think it's GREAT when mothers express their feelings to other adults. Naturally some of those feelings are going to be about mothering. GREAT. Some of these feelings won't be the kind that appear on Hallmark cards. GREAT. It doesn't hurt their child for these women to share their experiences and feelings with other adults. In fact it's GOOD for their child as it takes the pressure off them.
For the record I have a child under two and we most certainly do not keep each other company. He is asleep. Most toddlers sleep for many many more hours than their parents do. Thank God.
It's perfectly normal and healthy for any adult to seek and desire other adult company. It is not good a child to be their mothers best friend/only friend/only source of companionship. It puts too much pressure on an already intense relationship.
I'm amazed at how much mothers are meant to become non-people, sublimating everything into their child. And yet it's clear to me that this sublimation is actually unhealthy and bad for the mother and the child.