Letters to the Editor
-
Jennifer
I read your letter and thought it was lovely - especially that last line - pure poetry.
My husband works nights and I too am lonely. Just wanted to say how inspired I am from reading what you had to say :)
-
Find you peers
There are so many ways to not be lonely. Checkout meetup dot com, they've got so many interest groups. Knitting, photography, philosphy, screenwriting... or start your own interest. I don't see a lot of landscaping and spit-up groups on there. I'm sure your kid would love to know what your hobbies and interests are! :) I started knitting and joined a stitch-n-b group... that's certainly a crowd of mothers who think - they met online, they talk politics, & kids are welcome to come to the weekly meeting.
There's so much out there to do! And lots of people in your same position that would like to find interesting people to hang with.
-
Hang out with gay couples who have kids
Betcha you'll find us more interesting than the average parent. Even a small town usually has a chapter of PFLAG that can help you tap into whatever gay community exists. Check out http://www.pflag.org.
-
So now you know...
You can't have it all. Meaning, you'll never be 100% happy with everything - work, family, parenthood. There's always something. So now is the time to pick your priorities. It doesn't sound to me like your mother "abandoned" you. Sounds like she had a great job opportunity, and with the support of her family, off she went. Try to see it from her perspective - she put in her years raising you and your sibs and now it's time for her. That most of your siblings moved to be near her says a lot about her.
So now you must decide, what is more important. Your job, which keeps you where you are, or your family, which draws you where you want to be. It sounds like your husband could work anywhere. You could try to find some variation of your job near your mother. Or you could just go back to school and start a new career. There are other jobs. There are no other mothers.
There are families that we have, and there are families that we make. My mother was the glue that held my family together, and when she died, so did my biological family. I've been very fortunate to have found a wonderful family where I live, but I miss my mother very much and would trade every career opportunity I've had in the last ten years for me and my daughter to have spent that time with her and as a part of the family unit. These are the lessons that time teaches us, I suppose. Your mother won't be around forever, and it sounds to me like you'll regret not having her more than you'll regret not having your present career.
These are the holidays. Whatever you celebrate, give yourself an early gift. Go and be with your mother and the rest of your family, and try to find a way to make it permanent.
-
Cary dropped the ball here
She needs to establish a new set of friends. There are many of these around. They are called churches.
Our church, a Unitarian Universalist one, is lots of fun. My wife and I are not hugely religious, but neither is anyone else at the church. We get together occasionally and have nice times. The church is full of couples with young children. Many women come without their husbands, as some couples have different religious ideas. Additionally, being a U-U church, drinking is not only condoned, but pretty common. Usually church functions involve wine. We also have church-related dinners at homes, which also involve drinking. Plenty of people in churches have small children, too. Catholic churches involve drinking, but it is frowned on in Methodist and some Protestant sects. Of course, Mormons don't drink. I note the drinking, because the original letter expressed a wish to get together with friends and share a glass of wine.
-
"saddled with a 3 year old"?
This is the phrase that worries me. I never lived near my mother, my partner left (and then came back) when I was pregnant, I moved away to a new community for cheaper housing when my son was 4, away from my relatives in extra-expensive, high pressure Palo Alto, so that I could get away from income pressure. I built a consulting business, but I still wish I had more time with my child. I would have given anything to have the freedom to spend my life with my child without those pressures. Who is lonely here? You have a built-in friend who needs your attention right now. When your child is in high school you can get back on track with your so-called adult life. Meanwhile, get used to phone friends and moms who talk about their husbands' socks on the floor. Or, find some literate moms. Put your child in group activities where you can meet some other parents. Other working moms are your friends. Take your child to art galleries and places where you might find intereting people, it will be good for him/her. My son is now 23 and quite the art conoisseur, gourmet, etc.
-
I think Cary got it wrong...
Love Cary and the way that he gives advice, but he got this one wrong. LW needs to learn how to make friends, and she needs a view of the world that can give her hope that she will find other people (regardless of their parental status) who she can form relationships with.
Yes, its unfortunate that LW picked up and moved to her mother's town and then her mother left. Maybe it was a surprise or maybe it wasn't. But that isn't a "live on your shrink's couch" kinda problem. Its something to feel, then get past.
Encouraging familial closeness is great, but doing so because LW is lonely and doesn't know how to make friends is just a way to make her family her crutch.
Here's what LW should do:
1. Forge a different, but better, relationship with her husband. He might be lonely too.
2. Both of them come up with a plan to make more friends. For all she knows, he has coworkers whom they have something in common with.
3. LW needs to join a hobby club. That automatically puts her in a place where she can make friends with others who share one of her interests.
4. Once you've found someone interesting make the effort to invite them out for lunch. It takes work to build friendships.
It really isn't easy making friends, and I (as well as many 30-somethings I'm sure) identify. We can't just sit in class next to people and make friends that way anymore. The key is to picture a life that you want, then do something towards reaching that goal. Friends won't show up just because you are interesting and lonely.
Good luck!