Letters to the Editor
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Develop into an introvert. It's more fun than you think!
You have an opportunity that many introverted, loner types (like me) would envy. You have the opportunity to be alone, a lot of the time. The baby goes to bed around 8, right? Your husband works nights? I can just imagine myself having that freedom. Think of all the DVDs you could watch. All the books you could read. All the Internet you could surf. Having a big, open bed to stretch out in and sleep. Get TiVo and watch some great TV shows, whenever you want.
PS...I'm sure your 3-year-old will love to grow up and read this column, to find out that his mom was "saddled" with him/her. Try to enjoy being a parent, while you're at it. He/she won't be 3 for very long.
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be patient
I was in your situation once. I've worked nights, my husband days, for most of our 30-year marriage. We moved far from family for career reasons. It was lonely, but be patient. The preschool and church ideas are good ones. Look for others in your situation. It took time - maybe 2-3 years - to find new, close friends in the new place. I finally connected with other mothers of young children who were also far from home - there are lots of them once you start looking - and they also need friendship and support. Keep your eyes open and be willing to make the first move. My best friend of 25 years was once a desperately lonely mother of a baby, new in town because of her husband's job, and I was the same - we met at a mother-baby group. We're as close as sisters now. Keep up hope and keep looking.
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Ignore the meanies!
My advice? First of all, ignore all of the mean-spirited, belittling, unsympathetic remarks made here in the comment section. You don't necessarily have to grow up or suck it up. I agree with Cary: Your mom moved just when you thought she'd be there with and for you. "Holy Shit!" We are always children in relation to our parents. Don't feel bad about feeling bad that she moved.
Furthermore, you need people -- the people you love and connect with and relate to -- to feel whole. People who value "alone time" above all else are either introverts or creepy. There's nothing wrong with being introverted, unless you're an unsympathetic creep who bashes other people for feeling lonely. But even introverts need connections, and it sounds to me like connections are what you need, especially if you're an extrovert. (According to the Myers-Briggs personality indicator, an introvert recharges by being alone while an extrovert recharges by being with people.)
I don't have kids, but this advice to 'wait until your child is older and then connect with other parents at sporting events' sounds awfully weak and desperate to me. Maybe that will happen and maybe it will be great. But you need a sense of community NOW, not in a few years. I don't have much concrete advice, since I'm also seeking that same sense of community. I'll probably try volunteering, going to church, and looking for an activity where I can meet other people with whom I naturally connect. It’s hard to find a good fit. I truly hope you do.
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this worked for me
LW-
I started a job last year that had me working at home for the first time. Terribly isolating but I learned how to fight back.
In a word- CRAIGSLIST!
I met lots of people through joining groups- look through the events, groups and classes areas.
Then get going!
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Make Lemonade
I was you ten years ago. Stuck in a tiny town with a husband who was out most evenings, too smart and engaged and quirky for the suburban moms, and bored out of my mind. You do have the power to change some of this. Based on my experiences, here are some things you might try.
First: Your three-year-old is old enough for you to engage a regular sitter one or two nights a week. Hire one, and GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. Some options:
-- Examine your career aspirations, and take a night class to further them. The kid won't be tiny forever, and you could earn yourself another degree between now and then.
-- If there's a professional association connected to your field, join it (or start a local chapter).
-- Take up belly dancing, or pottery. Join a book club or a political interest group. Go where the offbeat, smart people are doing what they do best.
-- The church suggestion was a great one. If you're not a "religious" person, look for a liberal spiritual community like the Unitarians, Unity, or the Quakers. You might be surprised at how much sustenance you can find.
-- Don't limit your friendships to women your own age. Around my early 30s, I started finding myself with friends in their 40s, 50s, and beyond. Most were women; some of them were men. All of them greatly enriched my experience, and eased my transition into midlife (which will be on you all too soon) by providing perspective and role models. Be open to friends of all ages.
-- Somewhere in your town, there's a wonderful 55+ woman whose own kids and grandkids are too far away to suit her, and is looking for someone to mom. You need this woman. Go find her.
On nights when you're home with the kid, you've got the opportunity to expand on these friendships. You do not have to wait for hubby to be around to entertain.
-- Invite your new acquaintances over for dinner. Cook something lovely for one or two of them; or invite the whole yoga class, and make it a potluck.
-- If you join groups, volunteer your house for meetings.
-- You may, if you're lucky, be able to set up a few friends who come over every week on the same night. I had Thursday Night Dinner for a crew of about 10 friends every week for years. The regulars were a nice mix of singles, couples, and others parents (who brought their kids). These were low-key evenings: we just watched movies and talked and planned next week's dinner theme and generally had a great time.
-- If you find other moms with kids that you like, have mom/kid movie nights -- make popcorn, pile the kids on pillows, break out the wine, and introduce your kids to the MGM musicals and Disney classics.
-- Invest in friend bait. A hot tub, a wide-screen TV, a great backyard patio space with barbecue and chiminea, a fireplace nook for winter, a music room in your basement. Figure out what will attract your favorite kind of people, and make your home the place they want to be.
Finally, remember: Even the most remote parts of the country have interesting people in them. They do their best to look conventional while walking around downtown; the trick is to catch them when they've got that armor down, and are doing what they love.
You can do this. You just need to get strategic about making it happen.