Letters to the Editor
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It takes time
Lonely Mama, I have been there! Mothering a toddler away from family and friends is a lonely endeavor, even if you do have your career. All I can say is that it gets better. There has to be another mom out there who thinks like you do. Look at the moms at your child's daycare or preschool. Is there one who resembles an old friend from New York? Ask her how she is, maybe do something for her, a favor: pick up her kid for her or something. I did not find anyone quite right either until I spotted a woman in the parking lot at kindergarten pick-up time. She turned out to be perfect, really wanted a friend, and then she was also very outgoing and together we met several other people. She has since moved, but the other people remain my friends. It is also a matter of time. You mentioned how fakey it feels to force friendship. I remember starting in a couple of book clubs and thinking, these women will never be my real friends, but several years later, they are. Good luck, you have to look for friends, they don't come looking for you (unless you are really lucky).
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It's tough, but hang in there
I think most people that have moved since they have become an adults can relate to this problem. I’ve moved a lot and it is tough to build up that friends network from scratch. It can be so demoralizing and isolating. I think some people misinterpret the LW as being too picky or judgmental. It easy enough to meet people, but hard to find those people that you really click with. You cannot force a friendship, but you can try to increase the odds of meeting the right people.
Good luck with making friends. I echo some of the other reader in suggesting meetup.com or some other online community. The great things is, that these groups are made up of people who are actively trying expand their social circle.
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Longing for her mom...
I'm sorry to sound harsh, but one of the realities of "choosing" to have a baby is the responsibility to put the child's interests first. If your husband's hours are making your life impossible, then the two of you have an obligation to work it out. And the advice to "get some childcare" so you can jet off to get your friendship fix just puts the kid even farther on the back burner. I have been exactly where you are, only I didn't have the outside job. I had two babies in a strange city with no family within 1000 miles and a husband who traveled and worked long hours.
The solution is to work hard at your real job, which is rearing the kid. Yes, it's boring as hell at times, but there are lots of women out there who are doing it - smart, educated, funny women whose egos are on hold for a while, because the essence of parenthood is sacrifice. Join play groups to meet some of them. Eventually you will find women like yourself, and whose friendship won't be forced or fake.
Instead of using that money on air fares, use it on therapy to help you get through this difficult time. You're the mommy now, and your responsibility is to your child. Grow up.
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The essence of parenthood is ...
>the essence of parenthood is sacrifice>
I couldn't disagree more. The essence of parenthood is ... unconditional love. Responsibility. Sharing. Enjoying. Balancing your needs and theirs.
Quite aside from that however, getting a sitter for one or two nights a week is hardly neglecting one's child who, hopefully, will be asleep for a lot of that time anyway.
For those for whom childraising is a job they are still entitled to time off. This will be good for both parent and child.
NB mother describes a relationship, it is NOT a job description. There are many different and great ways of being a mother.
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A bit of compassion is in order here
I have to confess that the first time I read this letter, I found the seeming omission of any detailed comment on LW's new child odd and a bit troubling. After some reflection, however, it occurred to me that that is probably a bigger part of the problem than perhaps even LW herself realizes. Caring for a small child can be an incredibly joyous experience; it can also be damn hard work. LW says that feels almost like a single parent. She is handling the overwhelming (in both the good and bad senses of that word) task of raising a child essentially alone, is deprived of meaningful time with her husband, is isolated from family and friends and finds herself living in a place she wouldn't have chosen but for her family being there -- which it no longer is. I won't presume to have a solution for this predicament (I certainly can't offer anything better than Cary did), but neither will I judge LW. Good luck. I sincerely hope you find some peace and happiness for yourself.
Eric Meyer
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it's the old soul friends you need...
Maybe there are bigger existential/ societal considerations for Lonely Mama. I am in the same predicament. I just moved after already a 2 year stint overseas, to a city where I know only one person (my partner got a great academic job). I am really really struggling with loneliness, and you know what, it's the OLD friends and the family who have known me a long time/ all my life that I achingly miss. It's the friends who have seen me grow up, stumble on my face, mature, and find my way...it's the friends who have funny stories to tell about me, "remember the time when..."
You can't concoct that, I think you build a matrix with people over time...and when we move, we're having to start all over again.
One thing about Cary's advice. If LM doesn't see her husband often, I imagine that they have to take vacations together. Therefore seeing as the average north american has so few weeks off, where is she going to find the time to hop on planes. Plus with oil prices up, plane tix are expensive!!!