Letters to the Editor
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This is why you're lonely
The thing that single folks complain about -- that when their friends get married they have their bodies snatched by domestic bores who can't talk about anything but their kids and their landscaping -- rings completely true to me.
You're problem is not where you live, it's your attitude. If you've convinced yourself that no one who is married can be interesting, you've already limited yourself considerably. If the people you've met so far bore you, try again. Try somewhere else. Try harder. I don't mean to sound unsympathetic - I've lived in the suburbs, I know some of what you say can be true. But I also know it's ridiculous to say that every married human can only talk about their landscaping. Open your mind and maybe you'll open yourself up to some new experiences and new people. (Then talk to your husband about the fact that you're in such a lonely marriage).
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More Advice From the Divorce Lawyer
'Cuz in my profession we think we've seen it all. Some of us have.
LW, first take care of your marriage. Between the lines you seem lonely in part because part of what sustains us in marriage is lacking. The bond is on many levels, and you seem to be feeling that. Yes, marriage can thrive on your schedule. I heard a lady in the office cafeteria the other day telling a coworker she and her husband we about to celebrate their 35th anniversary. She said, "You know my secret? I worked days, he worked nights." It can work. So, make room for the romance in there somewhere. Surely there are some times when you can coordinate to have dates, for lack of a better term. There is NOTHING more important to a strong marriage, especially after children, than time away from jobs, kids, family members, to just enjoy one another's company and intimacy. This can go a long way to sustain you.
Next, Cary is right: do keep those connections up with those far away-- your family and old friends. New friends aren't easy. But still, at 30, you're not 60, you know? People will come and go. And it's true you may need to look beneath the veneer of landscaping and child-enrichment programs, but surely there are others in your community who would likewise like Adult Conversation and Friendship. At 30 you are on a cusp where many (if not most these days among the college educated) in your peer group remain single and "on the scene." This can make it challenging. But don't limit yourself, cultivate relationships with people across the age spectrum. Don't think necessarily of "making friends." Just meet and become familiar with those you cross paths with, and eventually this may lead to friendships- maybe not with those you've met, but others you encounter through their webs.
Don't think about moving back to NY. It won't be the solution, and, frankly, about the time you'd think you're safety replanted among your friends, they will themselves start marrying and moving to the suburbs. At least some of them.
Finally- learn to love, as much as you can, your solitude. Some day it may be a luxury. Write a novel- hey you got a letter published in Salon! It's a start! Read the novels no one else has time for. Find, do, embrace things.
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Been there, sort of.
Here's what saved me when I was an essentially single married mother of a 3 year old with no family, a husband who was out nights and family far away:
1. Find a preschool where there social contact among the families is encouraged. In my daughter's preschool, families had parties for their kids and invited the preschool class. We went to every single one, and it was the start of a new network, and a godsend for me.
2. Find a nice church, if you can. One with an active childrens program. (Please posters, don't beat me up over this one!) There are some genuinely kind, accepting, giving people there who can help you feel comfortable, and help you to meet other moms who won't judge you for making the difficult choices you've made. It also helps to meet and get to know others if you volunteer to help in small ways.
Toddlerhood can be an intensely lonely time ... when the child is too young for sports, still clingy, not ready for real friends. In addition to Cary's advice, please understand that wherever you go, and regardless of what family is around, you will need to develop new friends and contacts for the first time in probably a very long time. It is not easy, but hang in there, take a step, be patient and it will be okay.
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Get involved, also wait
Try volunteering in something where you might find compatible people. Local policitcs maybe? A food bank? Something where you can give a limited amount of time but have some conversation that doesn't center on kids. (Although this might be difficult if you work full time.)
Also, wait until your child goes to school and plays local sports. All of a sudden you find that you meet other parents, and you end up having time to talk as the baseball game goes on for hours, or the soccer match plays out. The people you meet are in the same boat as yourself, and although you might start out talking kids (your common ground) over a season or two you may get to know some people better. I have also found that as your kids get older and get out in the neighborhood on their own more, you tend to meet the neighbors with kids. We have made some good friends this way.
It is a slow process. I also felt quite isolated when mine were toddlers. Use the phone like Cary said, and give it time. And see if you and your husband can manage at least one "date" a week, even if it's beer and pizza at home on Friday night.
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start creating your life
LW,
You would do well to take Cary’s advice – if you want to remain a dependent, unhappy child, that is.
If, on the other hand, you would like to self-actualize as an adult capable of forming chosen relationships (as opposed to those you unconsciously feel obligated to), then put your creative energy into going out and meeting people. You’ll eventually make relationships.
Get some counseling to check out the depression. Ask about cognitive-behavioral work. Get into couple counseling if things don’t improve with your spouse. And stay away from self-help groups, their purpose is to keep people dependent and to help them avoid growth.
Meanwhile forget about mother and siblings. They never chose you and you never chose them. That’s a hard one to understand and accept. The sooner you do, the healthier you’ll be.