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Okay I just made that term up, but I have faced many of the same demons you have ... actually, I could have literally written your letter. I know now that I feel most comfortable with a kind of participatory journalism where the source and I work together and explore a story together ... i.e. whether through video or radio documentary or through long form print features. It's still very difficult, just a different kind of difficult: you put everything on the table and hope that you can gain the trust of this person (or persons) so that they open up to you and lead you somewhere that reveals some universal truth about life, the human condition, their particular socio-economic class etc. Think "This American Life" versus the daily newspaper experience. It was hard to let go of this image of myself as a hard-nosed investigative reporter rooting out the injustices of the world through obnoxious in-your-face questioning -- like you, I could act the part, but inside I was hating it, and hating myself for hating it. But I let go of that expectation of myself finally (recently) once and for all ... and it was such a wonderful relief!
Good luck and you are right ... you need to stay in journalism in order to stay engaged in this world, this life. But follow your heart and the rest will sort itself out.
