OK, so you think that's not a solution. Then stay with him and accept your share of being so goddamn stupid you need to write to a complete stranger asking what to do when some fucktard abuses you.

Or do the thing you know is right without even having to ask. Leave him. Now. This moment. Nothing else matters. Why the fuck does it take Cary so long to get to a sensible point? Oh, the book. I keep forgetting.

Great advice from Cary. I would add some more. Re your friend who says this is a spiritual struggle, get a new friend. And the therapist who is telling you to stick it out, get a new therapist and get out! No one deserves to be treated the way your husband has treated you. I would be careful though when you leave. Don't tell him where you are staying and get a new job. Yeah, it's not fair for you to get a new job, but this is your life here. I wish you well!

Intelligent women find themselves in abusive relationships all the time. Abuse is designed to be extremely disorienting and it is for most people. Thank you for being brave enough to ask for help and outside opinions LW, as a domestic violence survivor I appreciate the courage that takes.

Cary is right, your abuser likes the abuse, I've read interviews with batterers that outline how much they like pushing our buttons and getting exactly what they want. you're a journalist so you know how to research, turn that ability on your own situation and start looking into the cycle of domestic violence, batterer psychology, and victim psychology. You will see that Cary is right. That man is your enemy and he won't stop until he has ruined you.

Traditional men marry women they don't beat all the time. It isn't that he is traditional, lonely, or jealous of your past, its that he is an abusive person and that won't change. There is nothing you can do but leave, but watch your back when you do, a woman is 75 times more likely to be murdered or seriously injured when she leaves as opposed to when she stays.

good luck and please be careful.

Never has the right choice been so clear. If the letter writer stays with this man, she may well lose her life, literally. Abuse has the power to confuse one's basic common sense, so the need to act immediately is urgent. That the LW is already conflicted enough to consider trying again with this man proves that the loss of self, self-preservational instincts, and common sense is already well underway. Hurry, hurry, hurry. Additionally, the LW should not continue to share space with this man professionally. If you were addicted to heroin, would you continue your poppy-picking job? Not a perfect comparison, but get away from the poison. And get a strong therapist who does not equivocate about an issue involving extreme physical and psychological abuse by a clearly sick man. The LW already has a lot of work to do to repair the damage. Get started now, rather than entertaining the notion for even another minute of continuing to let the damage accumulate, deepen, and eventually kill you.

LW - i agree with the advice that has been given here - it's time for you to go. i have some additional thoughts: in abusive relationships it is often a "trick" of the abuser to make the abused feel as though she is the one who is crazy, who is doing wrong, who is a failure, who should feel guilty. it is, as you say, disorienting.

you may want to go away by yourself for a few days and clear your head of all that noise. your decision may become easier if you can really see that you've done nothing wrong, that you made a good faith attempt at a loving relationship and that you have nothing to feel guilty about. you can - and should - leave this man with a clear conscience. i mention this because you sound like me - a hyper responsible person who is always thinking about how your actions impact others and wanting to be good and be nice, even to your own detriment.

i agree with cary that your leaving will hurt this man - and that is OKAY. setting boundaries, saying no and protecting yourself is healthy and normal. your husband is a grown man who must and will manage his own feelings. that is his job, not yours. you don't have to be nice to him. what he needs to become whole, healthy and happy is something you cannot give him. what he needs is a spiritual kick in the head followed by LOTS of therapy - not you to kick around.

what YOU need to become whole, healthy and happy... well, only you can answer that. but no one can feel whole while living in fear. your transition will not be easy but it may also be a time of discovering the self-esteem you feel you lack. call your support system into action now - your loving family, those friends and counselors who will back your decision to get out. you absolutely can do this and there may be an amazing empowered life waiting for you on the other side of it.

To the LW:

In such a fractious crowd as us Salon-readers, it's rare to find unanimity -- so when it happens, it may mean that such a rare consensus is worth listening to. (Of course, only five posts so far; the 7th might disagree. Still.)

My observation would be simply: behaviors can change -- though people are usually slow to change, and usually require both considerable incentives and much inner strength to do so; even more o to maintain the change. But character rarely changes -- and it is in this man's character to be an abuser. He has already given you his word that he would not assault you again, and broken that word. He will almost surely do so again.

Accordingly, you've been more than generous with him already; you owe him nothing more, and you owe yourself everything.

Be glad that you learned early enough -- especially before there were children involved.

Better luck next time. (Oh, and next time - if someone's had no serious relationships before, might be worth finding out if there's a reason for that, especially if he's superficially attractive enough that you'd think he should have had little trouble finding one.)