and one word for the answer.

"YES"

you have to tell.

Hey, CT....

... why don't you just say "a narcissistic jackass is calling the shots for me on these letters"

.... because you don't have the balls to stand up to him?

I never ever talk about this but here goes. I contracted herpes almost thirty years ago. It was so unknown at that time my family doctor didn't know what it was and referred me to a specialist. There was no, and I mean no, medication for it. Going throught an outbreak meant at least a two week period from onset to complete healing. It was, and I remember it well, a painful experience both physically and mentally. It was very difficult girding myself to tell a woman about the situation when sex was in the offing, not exactly romantic although no one ever shied away. Then came acyclovir et.al. I began to take acyclovir when it was first avaialable and have taken some form of medication either intermittenly or continuously since then. Both prior to my marriage of over twenty years, and before, I have never used a condom. Never. I have never passed on this disease to anyone. Naturally I have never engaged in sex at any point while an outbreak was in evidence. While I don't disagree that some possible chance exists in passing on the disease to someone even when not in evidence, it is somewhat like the chance of getting hit by lightning. The possibility may be there ( and I believe it is a slim one) but the probability is not. The medical community's reaction is predictable but extreme. Over the years, outbreaks have occurred less and less, averaging perhaps one per year or less. I, thankfully, cannot recall the last outbreak I had. Hysteria is not the answer and, with the treatments now available, this needn't be the horrendous problem it once was. I know.

for a hot girl with a raging cold sore goes to a bar and tries to pick up guys. I would love to see the results. To follow up, see how many of the guys call the phone number that they took out of politeness, or how many of them find excuses why they can't go on a date with a hot woman who has come on so strongly.

I'd watch that over Survivor any day.

Actually, it is that simple -- you need to tell.

The way you tell is the complex part. Not complicated, though.

See, if you start with this approach, it really does make things easier. You unintentionally make things harder by pairing "the world where one wants sex to be uninhibited" and "if one is a decent, honest person." See, if you want to be both uninhibited and decent, you have to be straight with your partner about things that you do that can affect them.

No offense against those who say that the risk of catching herpes is small, depending on timing, but if that's that case I'll ask this: For those of you with herpes, how did you contract it? Did your partner let you know of the risk ahead of time? If so, I'll bet there's a much better chance that you're still together now.

I'm all for being uninhibited (I'm lucky myself, I've got an amazing sweetie to be uninhibited with), but if you're going to be intimate physically, it might be nice to consider also being intimate psychologically and emotionally.

And if you can't talk to your partner before things happen, you can miss out on a lot of good stuff. Like accepting them for their weaknesses, and them accepting you for yours.

As noted, "only" 90% of the people who have herpes realize it. So go ahead and be one of the 90% of the people who responsibly deal with your illness and other people who might be affected by it.

Yes, that's why colds spread so much. Transmission is highest during the incubation period when symptoms are not perceivable.

But travelall summed it up very well a few letters back. So, naturally, I will rephrase what travelall said rather than just let it speak for itself.

The letter writer is committing the same "sin" as the person who gave him/her herpes to begin with, by considering not telling those with whom he/she copulates. Unless he/she intentionally became infected, or doesn't care whether others have to carry around that baggage for the rest of their lives, simply for the sake of a 20-minute session in bed and a 10 second orgasm.

And either way, that's pretty lousy.

I have some experience with this topic, my wife had a primary outbreak of Herpes before we were married, and long after we started to date and had unprotected sex. She had never had symptoms before, but was going through an unusually stressful time in her life. Herpes love stress.

Anyway, she was shocked and dismayed. I was tested to see if I had given this to her, I was negative, so it was something she contracted long ago and never had any symptoms until this primary outbreak. She continued to have outbreaks almost every month, quite a lot until she started taking Valtrex daily as suppressive therapy. Since then not a single episode. There are trials that indicate that when suppressive therapy is used, it drastically reduces the rate of transmission. We have a great sex-life now with no fears of Herpes. We are anxiously awaiting a vaccine that we have heard is a year or two away.

This all was very traumatic for us, but we made it through. Since we were already sexually active, it wasn't like we had to break the ice over this topic. My advice is to protect your partners by looking into taking a daily suppressive therapy. It has worked well for us, some piece of mind. Women can unfortunately pass this on with out knowing they are having an outbreak if the outbreak is present in the Uterus. Herpes is much more bothersome to women when the sores are present on the vagina. Something on the order of 20-30% of all adults have Herpes, and most men do not have symptoms noticeable enough to know they are carriers. Also, cold sores are herpes too, HSV-1 to be exact, and with the increase of oral sex practices, more and more HSV-1 infections are being spread to the genital areas, and classic genital herpes, HSV-2 are being spread to oral sites. Most times these cross infections do not take as strongly and often never cause re-occourant infections.

One final thought here. The US government has recently stated that all Americans should be tested for HIV/AIDS as part of routine medical visits. Since partners with HSV-2 (genital herpes) are 80% more likely to contact HIV when exposed to this virus though sexual contact because the HSV facilitates the contraction of HIV, it makes sense to make this STD a priority as well. I hope for a vaccine in the near future, more transparency and less stigma over this virus. We can all learn something from Herpes.