To have sex (even once, even with a condom), without informing your partner that you have herpes- are way way wrong.

Herpes is a lifelong disease without a cure. Once infected, you could be contagious at any time, and not know it. A condom WILL NOT necessarily protect your partner. You don't have the right to make that decision for anyone. To lie by omission just because you're really horny and in the moment is really low quality behaviour.

By the way, I feel the same way about Type 1 (mouth herpes). I'm one of the lucky few who doesn't have it (as far as I know), and at this point in my life I don't want to catch it unless he's The One. I'd rather not kiss someone than risk it, and I'd appreciate honesty from those who do.

Just to mention again...

Ladies, you should get the HPV vaccine. It doesn't protect against Herpes, it protects against warts, abnormal pap smears, and cervical cancer. It's only been out since August, and it's available at adult immunization clinics or from your primary doctor. Do it now, before you accidently get infected. They don't test men for HPV, so your partner who tested clean could be a carrier and not know it (or have any reason to suspect it). The virus can hibernate for years in women undetected, so if your man has even a 1-night stand, with a condom, with a asympomatic woman, he can put you at risk.

The vaccine is only licensed for women 11-26, but you can get it even if you are older (ask nicely, in SF they routinely adminster it to slightly older women). Someday men and all women will be able to get it, but not until they do more research (and probably not until we have a new president who values science over abstinence).

Sorry Cary, I guess your journalism wasn't as sloppy as my reading of your answer (though I still wish this "highly contagious" phrase was better qualified.)

Skip the Mayo clinic link and go to the second link Cary provides. Theres an interesting stat. The transmission rate of Herpes from women to men is roughly 4 percent...and that's before condoms. With condoms this puts the risk of transmission with condoms somewhere near the risk of getting pregnant with oral contraceptives. (For men to women, it's ten percent, again before condoms. Lower with.)

So why all the massive anxiety about a cole sore...and relatively little anxiety about pregnancy?

Sex is ALWAYS a risk...But do yourself and your potential partner a favour and get a real grip on how much of a risk this is.

I've had Type 2 for 20 years now and your advice on this issue frankly just sucks, I'm sorry to say.

First of all, the Mayo Clinic doesn't know what they're talking about. Check out the CDC (cdc.org) for the real straight dope... a great deal of viral shedding happens during and just before the first few outbreaks and then lesser shedding occurs immediately before and during other outbreaks. Outbreaks become less common over time. Most people do not shed much, if any, virus between outbreaks.

Further, taking Valtrex all year round has been clinically proven to reduce or eliminate viral shedding between outbreaks, reduces outbreak numbers, and it greatly reduces shedding during outbreaks too. For those reasons, I think everyone who has type 2, good health insurance, and the desire to date/have casual sex should be on Valtrex all the time... it certainly helped me.

I like your leading question... "Are you interested in having sex with me?" The rest of your advice, Cary, is so inept, damaging to the self-esteem, and plain ridiculous that I honestly thought you were joking until I re-read it. Anyone who came across as that much of an idiot (spelling things!?! Even most two year olds can spell better than their parents think!!) would never get into bed with me.

Better is to say, "well, we need to talk about pregnancy and STDs" and just to be matter-of-fact about it. I have had one person in twenty years turn me down after such a conversation and that really is their right, and I respect that.

However, I have found that it is SAFER to sleep with people who KNOW they have herpes. Huh? Well, first of all, 30-35% of sexually-active Americans have herpes type 2, but only a quarter of them KNOW they have it... let's do some math. That means that any given sexually-active adult who doesn't think that they have herpes actually has a 25% chance of actually having it.. 1 in 4. So would you rather sleep with the 1 in 10 adults who knows exactly what sexually-transmitted disease they have and what to do about it to protect their partner (not to mention that they are highly likely to also have been tested for HIV and other STDs, which is very unlikely for the unknowing population), or would you like to roll the dice with someone who thinks they're "clean"? And most people have herpes already anyway, HSV Type 1, which typically causes oral herpes/cold sores... over 75% of the population has that virus, but I don't... lucky me.

It's basically about being adults and respecting each other. Genital herpes is a self-limiting, non-fatal chronic skin disease, not a moral judgment, leprosy, or the end of your life. If you give people good information and talk about it calmly and rationally, making it clear that you respect a person's right to not take any chances, it's very likely that it will be a small conversation in an otherwise interesting relationship... and this conversation, held calmly and with a little sense of humor too, can go a long way towards building trust with a new partner. After all, if you can't talk about this part of sex, you're probably too hung up to talk about what you like in bed too... and that usually doesn't lead to excellent orgasms, in my experience anyway. :-)

Now, I am not judging anyone for their sexual practices, but the truth of the matter is - how can you ever live with yourself knowing that you gave a painful, lifelong affliction to someone? And that they might knowingly transmit the disease as well to a countless number of individuals?

I have always told myself that if I contracted herpes or any other sort of incurable STD, I would embark on a life of celibacy. My own selfish pleasure does not justify the potential suffering of other people.

It is absolutely imperative for the letter writer to reveal this information to his or her partners. It doesn't matter how many people statistically have it and/or are aware of it - if you transmit it to someone else without informing them first - that is one person who did not expect, did not want it, and now has an incurable disease.

If you think your partner would change his or her mind after learning about your STD, then they definitely do not want the illness, and it is wrong of you to engage in sexual activity without informing them.

If your partner, however, doesn't change his or her mind, then proceed - with care.

P.S. There seems to be some confusion regarding cankersores/cold sores/herpes. Cankersores are common, and not any form of herpes. They occur in the mouth, and are thought to be an overreaction of the immune system. Cold sores on the lips are herpes 1, and they can be transmitted to the genitals. Likewise, genital herpes (usually herpes 2) can be transmitted to the mouth, where they will form cold sores.