I agree with you that a person might tend toward continuing the relationship after getting to know someone a bit. So what's wrong with that, as long as the partner understands and accepts the risks? My whole point was that the LW (or anyone with herpes or an STD) needs to be seen as the person they are with whatever talents, quirks, and qualities exist in them that are *not* defined by their medical condition. Yes, contracting herpes can have serious emotional consequences, not to mention physical. But a person is more than their disease, and it's unfair to *their* emotional well-being that they should be forced to display it as prominently as a scarlet letter. Again, I am *not* suggesting the LW avoid telling partners, but only that it seems fine to get to some small level of comfort before doing so - not months here, just perhaps what a handful or less of dates amounts to. I doubt that just getting to know someone a bit would cloud one's judgement about what risks they take by getting involved with an STD carrier - it's a huge neon sign of a deterrent, isn't it? But maybe I'm underestimating the potential for weakened powers of judgement here. Either way, I do realize some people will disagree with my opinion anyway, and that's fine...it's just a few cents in an angry little forum, after all.

there are a lot of facts being thrown around this board and i wanted to correct some of them for those who don't know. (i had a herpes scare a few years ago and did a lot of research).

herpes testing: unless you have an open sore, there is no good test to find out if you have herpes2. there is a blood test to show if you have any herpes, but it doesn't differentiate between #1 and #2. since the majority of people have #1 (whether it's symptomatic or not), this test does little good. however, if you have a sore the doctor can test it and type it to find out whether it's type 1 or 2.

types 1 and 2: neither virus likes the environment where it isn't supposed to live. ergo, if you get #1 down there it's unlikely it will recur. as for getting type #2 on your lips/face, that's even rarer.

contagiousness: consider yourself always contagious if you have herpes 2. it can be transmittable, as i wrote earlier, whether or not you have symptoms. and a lot of people have it and don't know it. ergo, it can be passed along without anyone knowing they have it.

HPV testing: is only for women, not men. there is no test for men to see if they have it.

so if you choose to have sex without condoms, simply asking a person whether they've been tested is kind of useless. these tests don't exist.

fun, right?

thanks for your comments.

the thing i was merely pressing is that there are people out there, like myself, who if at all possible need to avoid getting this virus. it sucks, because there are a lot of great men out there whom i cannot date. but my health is far more important.

that's just my experience, because i get hurt, emotionally, quite easily and if i've spent time getting to know someone it's because i think they have potential to be more than a temporary person in my life. and if i get emotionally invested, even a little bit, this can be very hurtful.

which is why i *always* ask from the get go. 2nd/3rd date. because there's no point in anyone getting upset later on.

Cary, you danced around this issue, and I think it's so much more serious than a little itch. Herpes sores can be a vector point for other more serious infections, like HIV. Plus, those who do not disclose--who do not disclose their status CLEARLY--can be sued. This is no joking matter. I think the best way to avoid problems and misunderstandings is to be honest and frank before the nightcap, before the kissing happens, as well as considering the option of just not sleeping with him/her right away. If she/he's worth your time, she'll/he'll wait. Go get yourself checked out, and ask her/him to do the same before you drop your drawers.

And if you like the LW and you've got an STD, then you disclose right away, and give that person a choice as to whether they want to deal with you. Anything other than that is just smoke and mirrors, and I'd be ready to fight somebody for lying to me about a serious issue like herpes. What if we were talking about HIV instead? Or Hepatitis C? I guess it wouldn't take a spelling B to figure it out then, huh?

Yeah, it's like that these days.

The poster who said that you can only transmit herpes when you're feeling symptoms is sadly misinformed. Check out www.herpes.org for all sorts of relevant info, but the short version is this: Both genital and oral herpes are highly contagious, can be transmitted from either area to either area, and will occasionally be contagious without any symptoms whatsoever (asymptomatic viral shedding).

Also, to all of you "Cary Tennis - the short version" guys, the question wasn't "Should I ever tell my partner that I have herpes?" It was "Should I get involved with people who don't have herpes, and how will I deal with the obstacle?" I suppose we have to assign partial fault to whichever genius headline writer decided to sum up the letter as "I have herpes. Do I have to tell all my partners?", but if you actually bother to read the letter, you'll notice that the headline isn't really in there in any form. The closest the LW comes is to say "Do I have to tell them before our first date?"

Anyway, the misleading headline doesn't let the rest of you smartasses off the hook for your 3rd grade reading comprehension.

You do have to tell all of your partners.