Thank you for the phrase "studly condom-chewing lover." Every time I see it I crack up.

If you're going to be whoring around, presumably with other whores, what difference would it make. They're just begging for it, they'll probably be grateful.

"At that point just go home with him and a box of condoms. As long as he can get a condom on, I figure you're going to be OK. You've made your point. You've informed him of his rights. You've alerted him to the danger. You've made your recommendations. I'd say that's about all you're required to do."

Honestly, Cary, you could have saved a lot of nonsense (that's N-O-N-S-E-N-S-E) if you'd started and ended with that one sentence. For heaven's sake, of COURSE he has to tell his partners. End of story. In a world that is 99.999% grey, there are some things that are still black and white, and the decency to tell one's parter of a highly communicable disease is one of them.

That's D-E-C-E-N-C-Y.

I dated a guy several years ago who didn't bother to tell me until after we'd had sex several times that he had herpes. To this day I've never had a visible outbreak, but lo and behold a couple of years into our relationship my husband did. I'm a carrier.

Yes, I was young and stupid and invincible (ie, not 100% with condoms) when I dated this guy, but had I known about his affliction before we had sex I still would've had sex with him, but with much greater caution. Instead, due to his unwillingness to fess up prior to the deed, two more people are marked for life. Unless you're on a bitter bent of retaliation against all those who don't have herpes, why would you want to potentially infect anyone else?

And for the posters out there who will inevitably call me a whore, go fuck yourselves. It's clear no one else is.

the reason doctors are telling people this is because it's true. it's called "asymptomatic shedding" and it's just that. person has no symptoms, still sheds the virus enough to give it to someone else.

i understand your wariness in believing what i, a stranger, am telling you. go on over to pub-med, web-md, or the CDC and read the info there. it's pretty much proven.

Just to be clear, my suggestion that the LW wait until things warm up between them and their prospective partner is not the same as waiting until they are half-naked and horny. Rather, I think it's fair to wait until there's mutual warmth and affection between two people before bringing up an issue that is so emotionally fraught. In that environment, the issue is more likely to be handled with understanding than hysteria, even if the prospective partner decides that the risk is too great.

As others have said, in the "real world" everyone needs to have a talk and a quick run of tests before having sex, no matter who it's with. Working in HIV prevention research for 5 years taught me that no one can be trusted by word alone, and there is no excuse for not being tested - and let's not forget that many people have STDs without even realizing it.

So, LW, your hunger for a world without these conversations is a world of the past, and today's protocols of tests and conversations applies not just to you, but to every one of us. Being mature and responsibile about these things will ensure that you can safely enjoy all the things the present has to offer.

i have to respectfully disagree.

i think that a lot of people with herpes/HPV wait to tell so that the person they're startiong to become involved with won't make a snap decision. that they'll be emotionally invested already and will tend to lean toward continuing with the relationship.

i find this deceptive and unkind. for various health reasons/conditions, none of which are communicable, contracting herpes would be devastating and have physical repurcussions. i know that unless i am celibate i can't fully protect myself, but i do the best i can. and i can tell you this much: if i spend time with someone and find out after getting attached that this was the case i'd be very hurt and angry.

I sometimes disagree with Cary's column. However, what is up with the people who slam Salon.com? I am a proud subscriber, but if I had some kind of beef with salon or Joan Walsh or the quality of writing, I wouldn't come on this site at all! If you are reading this drivel for free, and you hate everything about salon.com, then please, who is the fucktard?

Honesty is the best policy.

When to tell? Like Cary said, when it becomes obvious that sex could eventually follow. That does not mean when you are in bed naked. Maybe it is after along make out session. You won't be sleeping together that night, but know you will eventually. You tell the truth.

I was involved with a girl for months. We always had safe sex. She pushed for us both to be tested. We were having safe sex at the time, the exception being me going down on her without protection. She wanted to go down on me, but would not until after we were tested. I was fine with all that. We got tested. I was negative on everything. Then she says, "I kind of forgot to tell you something." She forgot to tell me something? She was letting me perform oral sex on her, knowing she had herpes, yet she did not want to on me until I was tested?

The relationship may or may not have survived herpes. It was not going to survive dishonesty by omission. It was not going to survive the double standard she imposed on it. It ended shortly after that.

Luckily I still test negative to this day.

BTW, every girl knows I am a recovering alcoholic before we sleep together or before we become very emotionally involved. If they have an issue with it, and few do, I want them to have the option to opt out while there can still be relatively little hurt for either of us.