Yes. Yes, you do have to tell ALL your romantic partners with whom you are sexually active that you have herpes. And you have to tell them before you become sexually active with them.

I am a woman. I do not have herpes. But some years ago I dated a man who did. When it looked like the relationship was heading towards sex, he told me upfront that he had herpes. If I hadn't liked him a whole lot I would have told him, "Thanks but no thanks. It's not worth the risk." If he had told me after we'd already had sex, I would've said, "Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out." As it was, we dated for a while, we had sex and did all sorts of sexual things, we were very safe (thanks to his honesty and vigilance) and I never got herpes.

Not giving your partners the opportunity to make an informed decision about their health and exposing them to the risk of contracting herpes is unconscionable.

Go YOU. If it's hard to tell ahead of time, it must be a million times harder to tell after you've had sex.

I hope all goes well with you two and this causes you no more grief. Best of luck.

(As for BD, he's not worth spending electrons on, IME.)

Then I wouldn't have felt totally betrayed when I came down with it, and I wouldn't have had to deliver my baby via C-section.

Melanie, Brooklyn NY

dumbshit anonymous.

1. I get tested, every year, without fail for everything.

2. I glove up every time.

3. I require (yes, require) that my sexual partners get tested and SHOW ME the tests and results. If they don't, next.

4. I have no STD's, because I haven't been stupid and irresponsible. Obviously you have STD's and are stupid and irresponsible.

My earlier points are accurate and how you should conduct yourself. If is called acting rationally and with consideration. Try it, you might like acting like an adult.

There is no test for men to know that they have HPV, another little nasty virus that is out there. My friend was just diagnosed with it. Men can be carriers but there is no way to tell right now. That's why there was so much press about the new vaccine they are testing. And do you use a glove for oral sex too? You never answered that one. Boy are you trying hard to stick with your fantasy that you can always stay in control. Life doesn't work that way.

I am an advocate of telling before sex btw. Don't argue with you there, but your sanctimonious attitude is so annoying. Pride goeth before a fall.

..Every woman's dream. God's gift to females. Next.

It's simply not possible to be tested for everything, you moron. You can never know for certain you or one of your partners hasn't got an STD. I don't wish anything on anyone, but one day I hope your karma will come back at you and you will be forced to deal with life on life's terms.

The quality of this discussion thread has clearly degraded when we find ourselves even responding to idiots like this. Moving on.

And also, according to the Center for Disease Control, there's a 1-6 month incubation period from initial exposure to the time when HIV antibodies show up in the blood. The scenario you describe about guaranteeing yourself a clean bill of health by demanding paperwork with each date is a total fantasy.

The safest way to avoid an STD, apart from abstinence, is to get into a monogamous relationship with someone who is disease-free. But that would require committing to a woman who would, gasp, eventually grow older. Also, there'd have to be a woman out there somewhere who'd actually be willing.

as already mentioned ad nauseum, condoms have never been 100% effective in preventing the transmission of anything. But good luck to you.

GFY. Simply put, cold blooded pragmatism and making decision based upon facts and that which is obvious is much preferred to acting stupidly as you both do and making decisions based upon old wives tales and foolish emotion. You are beneath me.

Whatever. You sure did put us in our places! And thanks for another example of that sparkling logic of yours. Can you please create a link to all your letters so I don't have to slog through the entire discussion if I don't want? In some twisted way they can be really hysterical to read.

Logic is actually addressing issues and coming back with something more than name calling. You have no answer for our questions, so you're trying to evade our points. If you want to have a REAL discussion I challenge you to answer the below.

1) Do you receive oral sex without a condom?

2) Do you know that the HPV virus cannot be detected in men? There is no test right now. It can cause cancer in women.

3) Do you have HSV1? 70% of the population has this, which are oral herpes or cold sores. You can pass that on to someone else genitally if you give them a bj.

You can spout off some more profanities instead of addressing the above, but it will just show your ignorance and cowardice.

demonstrate how stupid, foolish and utterly out of touch you both are. You did yourself. Thank you.

i know this thread has been going on for a few days now but i've just logged onto it for the first time and boy has it sparked some heated debate. I wanted to address the “tell, don’t tell” problem with herpes from the perspective of someone who has it. i'm a female who has genital herpes for the past 15 years and though I haven’t always been perfect in dealing with it, i tend to believe that honesty is the best policy with this, or anything, in a relationship. and that's not just for the obvious moral reasons, but because when dealing with herpes, not keeping quiet about it is an opportunity to educate people. and hopefully that will eventually lessen the stigma. i've always told partners, for better or worst (though recently, i have to say, it's been for the worst as i've just had a pretty irrational reaction from someone I really liked)… now as I read thru websites to gauge peoples’ feelings about it, there seems to me to be a state of complete hysteria around it. i understand that it's not desirable to have herpes and believe me, the biggest fear for most of us who do have it would be to infect someone else, whether we tell them about it or not. but still, i just don't believe the infection is as bad as (or even worth) all the emotional and psychological trauma that's inflicted on those who have it (and who don’t!). i didn't feel it was worth it when i first contracted it (and my first outbreak was pretty bad) and i don't feel that way now. that’s just my feeling about it. i understand that everyone has their own feelings and that not everyone will be able to deal with it, and i respect their right to their decisions. but the fear has provoked a sort schoolyard mentality about it. herpes is like cooties for adults -- in most cases you don't see it or feel it, and it itself usually has little bearing on your health and life, but you're pointed at, thought of as "unclean," and totally stigmatized. the honesty that's expected of someone who has herpes by them telling of it and the trust that comes with that are a two-way street. if someone with herpes is expected to respect others by telling them, you have to hope that those people will respect them back by not judging irrationally or easily dismissing someone as "unclean” without giving them a chance to show their other human attributes in the relationship. herpes can be manageable. i know. i've done it (have been in relationships, one for 4 years, and, no, have not infected anyone.) of course, it can never be 100% but it can be pretty damn close -- try as much as 99.9% if one is familiar with the disease, is aware of one's own body, and takes sensible precautions (for me personally, that does not include dental dams and those rubber finger thingies that people have been talking about). but when people just freak out and run the other way and refuse to deal with it at all -- just because it's too scary and that's what most people would do, and because they wouldn’t ever want to remotely possibly be in the position they're putting you in now -- that is not respectful and it is not responsible, and it IS cowardly. sure, some people are just really scared, and sometimes the relationship’s just not worth the risk. and sure, it's anyone's right to act the way they want. but you have to understand then that when a person with herpes has experienced this type of rejection over and over again, they too become cowardly and irresponsible and don't tell. most people aren't evil. we all mostly just want love. RESPECT people.